Sorry Music That I haven’t Been Nicer To You — You’re More Than Worth It

I took my bike, and I put my violin on my back. I also put my music stand in the basket of my bike. I was a little bit nervous when I closed the gate of the garden. Somehow I felt like having butterflies in my belly. I started smiling when I closed the door of my garden. I was beyond excited to play the violin with others again. I stayed smiling during the first part of my cycling trip to the outbuilding of the church.

The path that led to the street was very dark, and I was scared. What if someone stood there waiting for me?

I didn’t know what my level of playing the violin would be. I haven’t played the violin for three years. Also, I didn’t practice the violin as I should have the way I did before. I felt a little bit ashamed. Many people helped me get into the conservatory of Zwolle, The Netherlands — when I was nineteen years old. I felt ashamed that I didn’t practice as much as I should have. Don’t get me wrong. I love playing the violin. My pregnancies, the course in journalism I followed, and volunteering work came on my path.

Three weeks earlier, I printed the music they sent me via e-mail. I practiced every day to be ready to rehearse with them. I asked them for information. When they started playing together, their rehearsal time and who the conductor was?

I found out the conductor studied the cello at the conservatory of The Hague, The Netherlands. He is a great cellist, and he played in several professional orchestras. He also played in these orchestras under the best conductors of the world. Then I knew I had to practice much better (and much more) than I did before.

I thought the orchestra was good, and thus I practiced a lot on my violin weeks before. Every day, I realized I didn’t forget how to play the violin and how to practice. I loved it even more, and I forgot how much I love playing the violin, as well as working towards something I love so much.

After the birth of my second daughter, I wanted to do something for myself again. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I stared at my violin, and I realized how much I still love playing the violin. This break, not playing the violin for three years, did very well for my music abilities. It did also well for my mental health. I loved to meet new people when I did my volunteering work; to surround by other people than my family.

One day, I decided to play in an orchestra again. I was scared of what my violin playing would be after three years of playing the violin. I only played a bit for my children: to introduce them to classical music. Unfortunately, they love listening to pop music. Thanks to the influence of their friends, but a good attempt of me.

In 2011 I realized, I was missing something. I didn’t know what I was missing, but after playing the violin again for my children. I wanted to play in an orchestra again: together with fellow musicians.

After a dream that night, I knew what I was missing; playing with other musicians for fun. I dreamt I played in the best concert halls. And with great musicians with great symphonic programs.

When I woke up from that dream, I immediately opened my laptop. I searched for orchestras in my neighborhood. I wasn’t sure what my level of playing would be — after not playing the violin for that long. I know I have been playing well in the past. I prepared myself for the conservatory. The judges thought a pregnant woman never will finish her studies. I also have played in the Youth Orchestra of The Netherlands, and we had concerts in the best concert halls.

On a website, I found an orchestra about five kilometers from where I lived at that time. I found a low-key orchestra. These people love playing together. Giving concerts was not a priority, and how they played was to mourn about.

The rehearsals were on Friday evenings in an outbuilding of the church in that town. A white-small building, like the color of the church.

When I woke up from that dream, I immediately opened my laptop. I searched for orchestras in my neighborhood.

It was Friday the 13th. The first time I went to the rehearsal, I cycled on my purple bike, made for Mothers, to the outbuilding of the church. My purple Mother Bike was a little bit at the end of its life, and it was doable for that night to take me to my musical destination. I started playing with them in January of 2011.

It was very cold and dark outside, a little bit scary too. It was a beautiful route, even if I couldn’t see anything in the dark during the trip, but I was happy to go to a rehearsal again. Luckily, there were lots of lights, and still, I was scared too.

What if someone stays cycling behind me that wants to take my violin? What if the person pulls me off my bike and wants to hurt me? It didn’t happen at all. The trip towards the first rehearsal went well without anything crazy.

I didn’t expect anything from the orchestra, like how their level of playing music would be. I also didn’t expect anything from the people themselves, like their character. I didn’t know how they would be as a person and what they did in their lives. Should I even know? I didn’t know how many violinists played in the orchestra. I didn’t know how many winds were playing in the orchestra. I didn’t know that much, which makes me scared too. I was uncertain about how I would be in their presence. How old are they? Would they accept me as a person? A vital and energetic person with lots of ideas and a decent musician with lots of other interests?

I was at the location where the rehearsal took place. It was an old building outside and inside, which took care of very well. It was a small building with a few rooms and a small kitchen. I saw no bike near the building. Because I was fifteen minutes too early: I always want to be very early, as much as possible. I want to unpack my stuff, let it sink in the surrounding, warm up my fingers and arms. I also want to meet new people and have a small talk with them before the rehearsal. When I looked around, tried to open the door, there was nobody. I am disappointed, and I thought I was mistaken by date and time.

When I looked around me, I saw nobody. Scared in the dark, I tried to open the door again. Still not open. I thrilled a little bit.

I looked through the windows, I didn’t see any lights on, and I even knocked on the door. Nobody answered the door.

Soon, there was an older woman. She was in her fifties. She was the flutist. She was also the chairman of the orchestra, who introduced herself to me when she saw me knocking on the door. She scared me a little bit. She came from across the country, she told me. She wanted to play in a low-key orchestra — in the middle of the country. “It is very nice that you will play with us.”, she said. Her tone was soft and delicate: an ‘I-know-it-all’ tone. I liked her immediately. She was very nice.

A few minutes later, someone else of the board members came: the pianist of the orchestra. She had medium blond hair onto her shoulders, a soft skin tone, and she was about my height. After our introduction, she asked me: “How did you find us?”. In the meantime, she opened the door for us all. I said I found the orchestra online on a — for me — dubious website, but they put it on that website; not so dubious after all.

Another few minutes later, the conductor, as well as the concertmaster, also arrived. They were two lovely men, and the concertmaster was a family doctor. I understood the conductor was a very good professional. The conductor is the person who stands in front of the orchestra giving the cues. The orchestra’s conductor played the cello under high-class conductors in the past. Also, he played in professional orchestras. A few weeks later, I realized he was such a good conductor that he could explain the music very well. He also had an education degree in law.

I didn’t expect what I saw during the first rehearsal with my new orchestra. I also didn’t expect what I heard during the first rehearsal. In the first place, I thought they played pretty well, but I was wrong. Their level of playing the violin was not good. They were not even a good amateur musician. There were a few of them who were fine players, but not all were. Most of them couldn’t even make a good sound on their instrument, and they couldn’t make good music. Some of them didn’t hold their musical instrument how they should be.

I unpacked my violin, music desk and put the music on my desk. I practiced hard at home, I thought. I convinced myself that I did practice well. It was not very difficult music to play. Most arrangements were from well-known classical pieces, like the 41st symphony by Mozart. Not only classical music was on the repertoire list, but some film music as well.

When I sat down, I played some scales to warm up my fingers, shoulders and feel comfortable on the chair to play well. I always love to feel great when I play the violin. I shouldn’t have any pain while playing. That is one of the most important things when playing an instrument. I started playing, and as soon as they heard me playing the melodies, they were silent. Everyone looked at me, and they told me I have a good tone, and they said I play very well.

I am flabbergasted that people told me that. Of course, they would, but I never believed people when they told me I could play well until I met them. They were so honest and so pure, but also afraid to play on their instrument.

As everyone sat and tuned their instrument, we practiced. Also, the chairman introduced me to the whole orchestra. Everyone seemed to be very content with me as a new member. I was glad I could have a goal again to practice on my instrument. I missed being involved more in my musical activities.

I realized I had to work on some issues; my rhythm, playing together again, and looking to the conductor more. I already knew that but forgot that a little bit. That happens sometimes. At least, I forgot. I learned and worked on that.

In the rehearsal break, there was coffee and tea with some delicious cookies. I talked a little bit with these folks, and they asked me a lot. They asked me about my personal life. When I told them I already had two daughters, they looked surprised.

I loved it when they looked surprised. And when a twenty-three-year-old woman already has children.

After the break of the first rehearsal, we continued. I — again — played very fast. Everyone looked at me again. The concertmaster told me: “Please, ease up, not so fast.” I crawled into my skin. I also felt guilty and a little bit sad. I was too enthusiastic. Happy to play the violin again with other people. I know I can be like that and a little bit sad when someone puts me onto two feet again.

The evening went too fast, and it was dark outside, still, and I was scared again to cycle home. Thoughts were flying through my mind. I thought a lot when I cycled back home. With every thought on my mind, I cycled home faster, at least I thought so.

I walked through the gate that led to my house. It was dark, and I looked back as if nobody was walking behind me. I am always scared of being taken advantage of when cycling or walking alone outside in the dark. I couldn’t get my bike through the door to the garden and made some noise to get it through. I didn’t want to stay outside all night. Finally, I was inside the house. Put my bike back in the scullery. I needed the toilet.

When I sat down at the table with a small cup of tea, I reflected on my evening. I needed to feel what I saw, what I felt, and what my musical goals were. What did of it? Was this orchestra something for me? Did I fit in with these folks? Do I want to belong with them? What do about them as a musician?

In 2011, I didn’t want to play at a high level but for fun with others. This orchestra was perfect for me at that time and being back at practicing. Although, the orchestra members were not that good players. I still liked the orchestra members a lot immediately. I felt accepted in this orchestra. They loved having me in their orchestra.

This story have been published earlier on Medium:

About the writer

Agnes Laurens is a writer. She writes for the local newspaper. Agnes lives in The Netherlands, with her husband and three daughters. You can find her on Vocal, Medium, Elephant Journal, HubPages, Music List. Writing is — aside from playing the violin — one of her passions since childhood. She is on Twitter and Instagram. You can subscribe to my mailing list, and you can subscribe to my Thoughts. Check out her books. She has an online web store, and she has a merchandise store. If you want to be informed about my online store and my merch, please follow this link.