Songs that Need to Die a Slow, Lingering Death

Before we begin, let me quickly add a disclaimer: a bad song isn’t a bad song simply because I hate it. It just means that I, personally, hate it. There, I saved you the trouble of defending crappy songs that suck.

OK. We’re off.

Hotel California

I disliked this song from the get-go, then grew to despise it from epic overexposure. By 1979, this song was physically painful for me. I hated it so much that it kept me from enjoying anything else by the Eagles for ages.

Ugh. And those lyrics. They sound like the winning entry of the sixth-grade poetry contest.

Speaking of the lyrics, I thought the opening words were:

On a dark desert highway

Cool Whip in my hair

For a very, very long time.

Once I sing along with the first two lines and giggle, it’s time to change the station, even if it’s just static. I’ll still enjoy it more than Hotel California.

Satisfaction

Seriously. This band has been together for 95 years. You can’t find another song by them? The Rolling Stones have a massive — and amazing — catalog spanning back to the Dead Sea Scrolls, and all you can play is this and Jumping Jack Fucking Flash? Fuck’s sake. Gimme Tumblin' Dice, Time Waits For No One, or Bitch any day over those beyond tired jams.

This is the greatest rock and roll band in the world. Stop making them look like one-hit wonders. Thank you.

Celebration

Dear god, no. Not again.

This song is mandatory. You’re not really married unless they play Celebration at your wedding reception. Hey, I dont make the rules.

People love this fucking song. Why I don’t know. Get Down On It is just as dance-floor friendly and sucks way less. In fact, like most of Kool and the Gang’s jams, it’s superb. But Celebration makes me want to violate my ears with Phillips head screwdrivers. Ya-hoo!

Flashdance

What a feeling, indeed. What a feeling when it’s 1984 and this song is literally playing on every station every second of every day. The feeling was nauseous. But I did like the ripped sweatshirt fad, so there is that.

Fun fact: I’ve never seen “Flashdance.” I haven’t seen “Footloose” either. That song sucks too, incidentally.

Dirty Laundry

Don Henley wasn’t done punishing me, apparently. Kick ‘em when they’re up, kick ‘em when they’re down indeed.

I Want to Know What Love Is

Yeah, whatever, just stop fucking moaning about it. We’ve listened to you whine for decades now. This song hits like a 12-year-old girl scribbling in her diary.

And dude, got news for ya. If you don’t know what love is by now, you probably never will.

The Devil Went Down to Georgia

Good. Keep him there. (great fiddle playing, though)

Africa

I’d rather pull my toenails out with pliers than be subjected to this mess. The 80s produced some of the best music EVAH, but also a copious amount of painful drivel.

Endless Love

They should call this one Endless Airplay. It would be more accurate.

I used to love this song. I mean, LOVE as only an overdramatic teenage girl can understand. It touched my adolescent heart and continued to do so until I hit middle age and had all the romance sucked out of me.

Great song, but if I never heard it again, I’d be OK with that.

My Heart Will Go On

When I saw Titanic the first ten times this song really pinged me right in the fee-fees. Now it just makes me impatient for the damn ship to sink, preferably with Celine Dion on board.

Nothing personal, Celine. OK, maybe a little personal.

Eye of the Tiger

No. Just no. Stop feeding me this souffle of suck.

MacArthur’s Park

If I live to be 127, I’ll never understand the appeal of the musical equivalent to raking fingernails down a blackboard. Even Donna Summer can’t make this drek not suck.

Achy-Breaky Heart

I mean, c’mon. Any dissenters on this one? I’m thinking not.

Surfin’ Bird

Fuck you, Peter Griffin.

Well, that’s all.

For now.