"Perfect" Throughout My Life

Although it came out years ago, there's no way I could completely forget the feelings I've felt when listening to "Perfect" by Pink.

Let's set the stage: be close to (if not in) the last year of middle school. As someone who was getting dangerously close to the teen years. You used to get a lot of praise for being "gifted" when you were younger, but you were no longer getting the kind of grades that everyone expected from you. In your eyes, your family was starting to hate you because you were starting to behave more like a human than a scholar. It's that perspective that makes you wonder if those around you would be better off if you...no longer lived long enough to fail more. During your pastime of watching music videos, "Perfect" by Pink pops up on VH1 JumpStart, YouTube, and even the radio. At some point, you read a magazine because it has some youtubers you were familiar with and you turn to a page that talks about weight loss and it makes you cry since it serves as the straw that broke the camel's back for self deprecation as you're listening to the song. Your family is aware of your thoughts and has done everything from attempting to reassure you of things that aren't even the main issue to punishing for having thoughts like that in the first place. You know your family will act helpful for a little while and then act like nothing is wrong later and you grow to adapt to it and expect it, but you remember "Perfect" being a song that provides a message that you desperately need: you're perfect as yourself.

Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I was becoming a teenager or maybe because I'm a person with Asperger's Syndrome who was headed into young-adulthood at the time, but I had trouble praising myself a lot or taking screw-ups very well. As if that wasn't tough enough, since I am on the autism spectrum, I saw things differently in contrast to how others saw their surroundings and situations, so heading towards teenhood was as troublesome for me as it might've been for anyone else. The interpretation that my family only liked me for my successes and not for who I am was a tough thing to handle.

As I got older, I still had the same struggles as a teenager and even found myself wondering if my family would prefer me going through the dramas with drugs, rebellion, and parties instead of struggling with classwork like a human. The extreme thoughts of me ending my "failure streak" by ending it altogether still popped up every once and again unconsciously or when something proved that I wasn't as smart as everyone wanted me to be. Throughout that time, "Perfect" served to be one of the songs that I played on my iPod when I felt I needed...maybe some reassurance that things will be okay or that my end wasn't long overdue.

Nowadays, the teen years are behind me, but I still have struggles that I haven't found myself able to escape from;

the impression that my family berating me no matter how much I try to do the right thing and the hope that I can someday say "You can't seem to acknowledge good in me, so why should I see any in myself?" and see my family look stupid don't exactly help my mental state. There's a good chance I might listen to "Perfect" again like catching up with an old friend who has been there for you back then. Maybe I won't have the most perfect mindset, but as long as a song like "Perfect" exists for someone like me, I'm sure things will be better one step at a time.