On Music and Mistakes

When I first heard of this scholarship, I thought, “Oh, how easy! I listen to music all the time!” As I began to think about it, however, I realized that I didn’t actually have a song that changed my life. Of course I have had songs that I absolutely adore, that make me cry, that make me scream out against the injustices of the world... After all, my music has shaped me into the person I am. However, I have never had a song that truly saved me. So I kept this scholarship in the back of my mind, but was ready to let it go if I couldn’t think of one.

Then February 21st happened.

One of my favorite bands released an album. BTS, a Korean pop group who has been changing the world, released Map of the Soul: 7. I really had no idea what to expect, because every single album of theirs is absolutely unique. But it was everything I needed.

I hold onto a lot of guilt- so much, actually, that I feel it has molded into my personality. I grew up with a single mom who only wanted my sister and I to have the childhood she wasn’t allowed to have. I grew up with everything I needed, because my mom never let our financial situation get in the way of us being a family. But because my sister and I oh-so innocently asked for a dad, my mom tried her luck with dating. Needless to say, I decided that dating would be out of the picture for me for a long time.

Throughout my childhood, my sister struggled a lot. She required hours and hours of therapy, which didn’t leave room for much else. I was happy, though, because I had a family. But I was still guilty. I thought that I should have been able to solve everyone’s problems, that I should have been the one to keep my mom from crying at night when she thought we were asleep, or that I should have been the one to glue our family back together.

I have always struggled with anxiety. It was passed off as shyness to my peers and introversion to my teachers, which meant I kept many of the thoughts to myself. As I grew up, I did most of my talking in my head. And the thoughts I had contributed to my guilt, which eventually turned into enough anxiety that my brain had to find a way to cope with it.

When I was around 12 years old, I joined good ol’ Instagram. For fun, I made an account based off of my favorite series of books. Through that account, I somehow discovered that there was a whole community of people who loved music the way I did. From then on, my music collection only grew.

And grew, and grew, and grew.

(I don’t think it will ever stop growing.)

I discovered BTS three years ago when they began taking off in the United States. Due to their passion for and dedication to helping others through their music, I fell in love with them. Their music proves to me time and time again that I am not alone.

And then I was diagnosed with OCD.

In October of 2019, I was headed to the doctor with my mom to discuss the sleep I was unable to get. We pulled into the parking lot, my mom asked me a question... and I just broke down.

I don’t even remember what the question was. I don’t think it matters. All that was going through my head were repeating thoughts of “Am I crazy?” I was spouting nonsense to my mom about numbers and locking doors and the fact that I have to stand at my stupid desk chair every night until it "feels right," and it really felt like I was sharing a big secret. And I guess I was.

We went into the appointment and I told the doctor the same thing I had told my mom. Without hesitation, she said, “You have OCD." My world shattered.

Never in my life would I have thought that I have OCD. The only thing I knew about it was from television, which I now know was completely inaccurate. But because I had never seen myself in any of those depictions of OCD, I thought that these thoughts and consequent actions were just who I was. Though they were distressing and utterly annoying, I didn’t think that they had a name. As it would turn out, OCD was how I coped with the anxiety that I couldn’t control.

After that, I really didn’t know how the world would go on. But it did. I woke up the next day, went to school, and the thoughts were as incessant as ever. Since then it has been a whirlwind of research and education for me and for the people around me.

OCD makes you doubt every single aspect of your life. It constantly sits at the side of your mind, one leg crossed over the other, chomping gum in your ear and questioning your every move and every thought. Among these doubts, OCD constantly brings up the mistakes I’ve made, wondering if I hurt anybody. “Just now, why would you say something like that? Now they hate you because you said the wrong thing. They can’t wait to leave this room, and oh, yeah, your hair looks like a mess! Their hair never looks like that, so now they think you're gross! Why would you come to school like this?”

Anyway, the point is that my OCD makes me feel immense guilt, whether I did something or not. And the thoughts get almost unbearable when it actually is my fault.

00:00 was the first song I listened to on this new album. The lyrics floored me. It tells the story of someone who is utterly exhausted and lying in bed at the end of the day. They’re thinking about the mistakes they’ve made, whether they’ll bounce back from them, and then they look at the clock. It’s midnight. It’s a new day.

“Come home and think about it in bed. Was it my fault? Dizzying night. Suddenly, look at the clock soon, 12:00. I don’t think it’s going to make a difference, but this day is over. Zero o’clock.”

I always ask myself if it was my fault, whatever it was. And the worst thoughts come at night. But when midnight strikes, it is a new day. It’s 0, where we always begin. I don't have to respond to the thoughts. I don't have to feel guilty. I’ve thought about it enough. Whatever mistakes I have made are in the past. I believe that everyone deserves a second chance, so why not give myself the same kindness?

“Turn this all around. Everything is new. Zero o’clock.”