My Teen Version ('90s)

When the 90s started, I was 13 and living in a small fishing town on Vancouver Island, Canada. I was in grade eight, my first year of high school, and I was secretly incredibly happy to be back in the same school with my brother, who was in grade 11. He was a senior, he was popular, and he was even a bit famous for his athletic achievements.

The hopes of riding to school with my brother in “Betsy”, his red Toyota Tercel, were quickly dismissed by my brother, who insisted it was not cool for him to have is baby sister with him. So I would grab my Walkman or my discman, and make my way for my 20 minute walk to high school. For the younger generation, I point out that we had one cassette or one CD on us for the entire day – no option to shuffle through our library. My friends lived in different neighbourhoods and had different paths to school. I rarely ran into anyone I knew on my walk, so my music listening was generally uninterrupted.

My music tastes at that point were transitioning from my elementary school interests that were developing independently of my family – I listened to Madonna, Debbi Gibson, Tiffany, Michael Jackson, Cat Stevens, Billy Joel, Motley Crew, Def Leppard, Poison, and my favourite band at the time Guns n’ Roses. Our end of school dance had all the top hits from these artists and more, and of course there was the classic “Stairway to Heaven” to end our dance.

Aside from mainstream music I was exploring, I also had my classical and blues/jazz collection. I was training in classical piano, and by 1990 I was in grade four with the Royal Conservatory of Music and had a range of bourrées, minuets, or sonatas I played. My other main instrument was the trumpet, and I could get lost in Miles, Louis, or Dizzy (yes, I was on a first name basis with these legends) and Chet Baker. Before I would practice my trumpet, I would lay on my bed with one of these gentlemen, close my eyes, and feel their music fill my room. They were my inspiration to play blues, which was a release for my sadness, and jazz, which allowed fun and creativity to happen with improvisation and solos.

Then my parents delivered a bomb…

- Nothing Compares 2U I felt her pain. She lost love, I lost my future.

We were moving. Not just from our home to stay in our small town, but off the island and literally to the middle of BC. An even smaller town, landlocked, and unknown. The house we grew up in had been built by my dad, it was everything I had known, I believe my brother being a few years older than I has memories of our family in Richmond, where he was born.

My whole world was changing – instead of celebrating the finish of my first year of high school, I was looking at starting a new school, in a new town, in a new role that placed attention on our family. We were just one of many families in our roughly 25,000 populated fishing and logging town, and this was where we belonged. My dad was stepping into the position of “General Manager” of the local mill in this middle-of-nowhere town, and we were to take-up residence in the “Mill Manager’s House” on “Snob Hill”. Lovely, I say full of sarcasm.

- Vogue “Strike a pose!” I was helpless in this decision. Voiceless. “Everywhere is a heartache” – I was leaving my childhood home. “I know a place where you can get away, it’s called a dance floor”. Dancing helped release pent-up anger I could not release.

Rather than any joyous or celebratory memory, mid-1990 saw me full of emotions of anger toward my parents for doing this to me (and my brother had it worse as he was set to enter grade 12!), but I knew even at that age that the anger was pointless because we were moving, mum and dad had decided, and we needed to focus on our path ahead.

That summer vacation, I remember my older cousin and her friends, my brother and myself playing endless card games and listening to music constantly. There were a few teenagers from other families that would join us if they were visiting their grandparents’ cabin on the lake. My cousin is five years older than me, so her tunes included U2, Tracy Chapman, George Michael, INXS, Queen, Supertramp, to recall a few. My favourite memory was us playing “Name that Tune”, to which I can say I always did exceptionally well which made me feel accomplished in front of my older companions. As the youngest, there was always a desire to stand out on my own, not just remain in the shadows.

- Superman's Song the deep tones of his bassy voice, and I remember my brother and cousin’s husband singing along. I remember laughter and feeling at home in the middle of our move.

Contrary to our family vacation, where I did feel happy, the deep undertones of my summer were sadness, loneliness, and voicelessness. I was so sad…I felt empty, lost, confused. Everything that had grounded me from a baby to now was disappearing, and I could not make any sense of my feelings. I was 13, and up until this move, my interests had been piano, trumpet, swimming, friends, boys, whales, the ocean, eagles, puzzles, and reading. I was leaving me behind and I had no idea who I was going to become in our unknown destination.

Summer of 1990 playlist

- Like a Prayer (Madonna) – the opening line, “Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone”. To sing along with her in this song was a way for me to release a small amount of the sadness I was experiencing.

- Eternal Flame (The Bangles) – at 13, I was idyllic in my view of relationships. This song was one I loved to sing (I am sure my mum and brother felt differently) and I could feel her passion for love. Something I would hopefully one day feel.

- Every Rose Has Its Thorn (Poison) – my friends and I were in love with rock bands, particularly the love ballads. We had not been in a relationship or love; we were on the praecipe of entering those level of relationships. Grades seven and eight we danced, held hands, went on group dates, and made out at parties. “Even though it has been a while now, I still feel so much pain.” I was empty without my childhood friends that I had grown up with since age 3, 4 or 5.

- I Remember You (Skid Row) – crush alert (remember, I am only 13). Sebastian Bach was one of my heartthrobs (Axel Rose was definitely another). This song reminds me, even to this day 31 years later, of my best friend, Katie. We no longer had weekend sleepovers, we could not giggle and whisper about boys, no more horseback riding, and no more family adventures (our mums were best friends, our brothers were best friends – we took family vacations together).

- Time For A Change Present day, when I heard this one, I cried. I do not believe I have heard this song since those first few months in our new town…but this song was pivotal during this transitory period for me. I felt heartache and despair when he sings, “Change, now it’s time for change. Nothing stays the same.” I was living those words during that summer and it hurt. This song I could cry to and release those emotions of confusion as my life swirled out-of-control around me.

- Livin’ on a Prayer (Bon Jovi) – again, this is music that my girlfriends and I listened to, and gushed over Mr. Bon Jovi of course!). For a child emerging from the 80s into her teen years, this was definitely a transitory artist that still lives in my music library. Sometimes you just gotta shout out lyrics, and this takes me back to sleepovers and friends, having fun, life before our move.

- Sweet Child O Mine to pick just one, I chose classic. As I left my childhood town and friends, I listened to this a lot. GnR was my friends and I finding our own music in grade six, separate from our parents influence or any older sibling. Both albums, Appetite and Lies, were constantly played for years in my room, always taking me back to grade six and my hometown. Friends. Fun.

- The First Cut is the Deepest (Cat Stevens) – no, I was not heartbroken from a romantic relationship, I was heartbroken from moving away from my best friend. I knew we would find new friends, and all my soul wanted was to be back home, in my town, with my friends.

- Just a Gigolo (David Lee Roth) – in memory of my mum – this song was her song from the 80s and resonates through her life since its introduction. She would dance, snap, and have so much fun performing this song. “I’m so sad and lonely” – how many times my mum would sing the lyrics to me in my moping days in hopes to cheer me up. And this song would – have a listen and you can see the catchy groove will certainly bring a smile to your face at some point. The band feel to this song certainly appeals to me – something not common in “rock bands” in the day.

- Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (Cyndi Lauper) – this was the classic song for my friends and I during our 80s elementary school life. This was the dance song where we would all dance, and not worry about waiting along the wall for a boy to ask us. This was the emergence of my mentality of the importance of girlfriends – something that carries my soul today.

The day we arrived in our new town, was weird. As we drove into this unknown town, we were entering our new community on our way to our new home. The house itself was decent for a house but I hated it. No way around it. I hated our home; I hated the town and I wanted the f*ck out of there.

- Man in the Box with the benefit of my older brother, who had completely different music tastes than my 13-year-old self, he was a huge Van Halen fan. When their debut album was released, Van Halen liked this band so off my brother went to buy it and he did NOT like it. He asked me if I wanted it, of course! Anything from my big brother, please and thank you. I fell in love and it was this album, Dirt that eventually propelled me down my grunge path. But that was not for a little bit. “I’m the man in the box. Buried my shit. Won’t you come and save me.” Who was going to save me from this town?!

My parents tried really hard, they knew this move was hard on my brother and I, and at the age I was at to develop anger toward my parents, that paved the way for much angst and discord between my parents and I. My brother only lived in this town for a year before he was off winning medals and races all over the world with his skiing.

I had turned 14 shortly after grade 9 started at my new high school. I was the new kid, everyone knew who I was, yet I knew no one. By Hallowe’en time, I had a new group of girlfriends who really did welcome me into their circle of life-long friendships. I missed my past but was able to live in the present. We were a tight group of girls, spent endless hours together or talking on the phone (mostly about boys also music, hair and clothes), and went to school dances or parties. The next couple of songs are only included as a tribute to the memories, these are not songs I listen to or had in my library, but these were certainly played at dances and it is this group of friends I associate these songs to, so cheers to my Macktown girlfriends!

New Life in our New Town Playlist

- Fresh Prince this show debuted in grade nine – epic. That is all that needs to be said. I had TV to watch, something to talk about with my friends back home.

- Ice Ice Baby (Vanilla Ice) – school dances, and you could tell all the boys had been practicing Vanilla’s moves at home as the girls watched them dance along to this tune. The first note always makes me think of “Under Pressure” – a song certainly more my style and preference in my present life.

- Things That Make You Go Hmmmm (C&C Music Factory) – again school dances, but also girlfriends and getting ready for the Friday or Saturday night party at Phil’s house or if summertime, then pit parties. I confess, while I have not heard this song in years, it certainly got me up and grooving when I heard it today!

- Let’s Talk about Sex (Salt N Pepa) – yes, let’s talk about sex. I went from a healthy upbringing to a town filled with male dominated control and violence, and sex was a big problem in this town, yet none of the women had a voice that was heard.

I believe my parents were unaware of the trouble that lay ahead for me in this town. During my 17 months in this town, once I had friends established, I was getting drunk every Friday and Saturday night. Drugs were aplenty in this town, mostly acid and cocaine, and I never veered down that path. It was not long into 1991 that my life changed, and I spiralled down a silent dark path that only my friends could sadly relate to, as they had similar experiences.

I started dating a boy, and it turned out to be living hell. It was this relationship that would eventually get me out of this town. During the months of enduring abuse, all my friends did so silently, yet we all knew our “cooler/popular” older boyfriends liked to hit their girls. This was not a “sex, drugs and rock n roll” town, it was a “rape abuse and no one talk” kinda town.

On nights I would cry myself to sleep, I listened to songs on repeat, feeling and crying through the life I was living in silence, alone.

Silent Pain 1991

- More Than Words

- Nothing Else Matters

- To Be With You

- The Unforgiven

The turning point was one fateful night when Brad made a public display of his behaviour toward me, while my friends and other girls stood all too aware that at any point it could be them, the crowd of boys laughed and jeered him on. My girlfriends took me home, nurtured me, and concocted the latest story to tell our parents. The next morning, we went on our school ski trip. I had to sit next to him on the bus, in pain, knowing everyone on the bus knew what happened, and not one single person could offer me any comfort. Except the music in my head, that was my solace and escape from my personal hell.

- Unbelievable “oh, what the fuck”! I could hear the drums in my head “the things, you say…you’re unbelievable. Oh, what the fuck?”. “I am gonna shoot through and leave you.” “Oh, what the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? MOVE IT!”

- The Sign (Ace of Base) – “I saw the sign, and it opened up my eyes” this song helped me emerge from the darkness of abuse and some lyrics really started to sink in. “You’d hardly recognise me” and my old hometown friends probably would not. How had I changed since moving here? I did not want to be this me anymore.

Frist run and I had an “accident”. The ski attendant splinted my arm for me, the story bought, and now I had the day to sit alone in the lodge while everyone else skied. My head reeled, change needed to happen, and as I sat there warm and resting my fractured arm, feeling spasms of pain shooting down my legs from my tail bone, I knew I had to ask my parents to move me out of Macktown. After the bus returned us to school, I was driven the hospital, x-rayed, and casted. The saving grace from this ski trip was my parents agreed to send me to a boarding school in Vancouver.

- Winds of Change (Scorpions)

In the process of determining which school I would attend, my dad put in for a transfer from his work. In February, our family was presented with the opportunity to move to Australia. By this time, Brad was no longer my boyfriend, but he had not relinquished his control over me. On Valentine’s Day, my parents and I started our six-day whirlwind trip to Tasmania, Australia to see if we wanted to live there.

The night we arrived home from our trip changed all those plans my family was excitedly concocting. Brad had broken into our house and was hiding in my closet, waiting for me to be alone. My dad heard. My dad charged into my room and saved me. What I remember may not be what happened, but through my eyes…my dad grabbed Brad by the back of his neck, one hand, and had complete control over him. He dragged him down the stairs to our front entrance. I followed because there was a part of me that wanted to see Brad controlled, I wanted to see him scared. And he was. There was no anger in his eyes. My dad held him strongly against the wall, his weight crushing into Brad’s, and said in a tone I have only ever heard once from my dad, “Don’t you ever touch my daughter again or you will deal with me.” There was a stare down, I could not see my dad’s face but I knew his eyes were burning into Brad’s soul. He was serious, and he needed to leave that impression. Time went slowly, no words, just breathing. Then with his one hand still controlling Brad, my dad used his other hand to open the door and he threw him out.

Given the severity of abuse and concern for my safety, three weeks after that incident, my parents moved me in with my Grandma in Richmond. I was healing with my matriarch, who held me, let me cry, and assured me that I was a good girl and life would be better now.

- Skye Boat Song my Grandma, our Scottish matriarch, had ten grandchildren, this was the song she would put us on her lap for, wrap her arms around us, rock and pat (rather hard at times), while she sang this song. At any age, this song is welcome into my life for my Grandma’s love lives forever in it.

I lived with my Grandma for March and April. During this time, I did not attend school so spent time with my aunts (I have four of them; all really close sisters) and grandma during the day, and my younger cousin and her friends during the evening and weekends. During this time, I made one friend who used music with me to release my hurt and pain, to find comfort and solace in life again, and we spent many hours listening or jamming to these tunes.

A New Me Journeying to Australia

- Under the Bridge For me to sit and pick or strum strings while my voice gently sang “Sometimes I feel like my only friend, is the city I live in…lonely as I am, together we cry”. My emptiness and loneliness from this era come through in this song.

- Come As You Are (Nirvana) – this song introduced me to playing the bass – easy but the reverberation through my body when I would play…still impacts me today.

- Rainbow Connection (Kermit)

- Beauty and the Beast (Disney) I was still a kid and had notions of a better life ahead

- Sir Psycho Sexy (Red Hot Chilli Peppers) – this is a physical song to me – whether it be dancing or running or working out. “Sometimes I find I need to scream…” In this song, I could release bigger, perhaps described as angry, feelings about my relationship. The sexual nature of this song is playful, fun, and it gave me hope that in time, maybe sex for me could be like that. I was in no rush, I just did not want to carry negative sexual feelings forward.

- Shiny Happy People (REM) – a get up and dance song, always a desire to feel happy. As a teen, it was too easy to feel anger or wronged or that parents were just simply unjust and simply didn’t get what it was like being a teen. When that was put aside, there were moments of sheer carefree joy and this song is epic!

- November Rain (Guns n’ Roses) – this was the first time I was living without my piano or access to a piano to play through my emotions. This was a song I would close my eyes, place my hands on the table, and imagine I was at a piano playing.

My transitory period of two months before we moved to Australia helped ground me and music was a big part of that. Hours in my friends’ garage jamming, singing, or cranking tunes loud. Music was instrumental in my healing and it carried me into some wonderful high school years in our new city, in our new country.

I made friends with some amazing girls, as I started grade ten two months into their school year (although I was five months into grade 10 in Canada when we left). I adjusted well, I wanted to focus on school, friends, and preparing for the next phase of my life. I wanted to live a fun carefree life in my high school years, as I knew once I was done, I’d be like my brother – working, going to school, and living independently as a young adult. I was not talkative with my parents; my friends had no exposure to any part of my past…I was creating a new me that bore the scars of Macktown but no longer hindered me and weighed me down. Volleyball became a big part of my life, particularly in grades 11 and 12. And it replaced my playing of music, certainly not listening or enjoyment of music.

Music in the final years of high school represents life-long friendships, once in a lifetime experiences, my high school sweetheart, sports, adventure, school achievements and successes, peer connection, and the ocean. My three years spent in Australia took my early teen hurt, allowed me to heal and harness that energy into a teen who sought freedom and her voice through the exploding grunge movement happening back home. Some of my music was new to my friends, and I loved how they really exposed me to the 60s/70s.

Aussie Life, School Friends, and Matriculation 1992-1994

- Shivers my first Aussie band that I listened to once there with friends. This song was a massive hit! It is about suicide, which as a teen is an issue that needs to be addressed. We sadly lost one boy at our brother school in year 11 to suicide.

- We Are The Champions (Queen) – Rockasteadfer – a whole new experience I encountered in Australia and this is my friends and I singing after our school won – no I was not a dance participant on stage, just in the crowd cheering on our school. This was perhaps the first time in the 1990s that I felt I belonged in a community of peers – connection, belonging, love, comfort, and safety.

- Foxy Lady (Jimi Hendrix) There was about six of us who rode the same bus home after school, and we would occupy (perhaps dominate) the back of the bus. The two guys would sing this song to me, a boost to my battered ego. Memories are lovely of these high school adventures.

- Alive “I’m still alive…I’m still alive” and I was!

- Killing in the Name Of “Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me” – ya, probably the biggest sentiment I had to any authority or parent. We were in a private school surrounded by incredibly strict rules with parents who had incredibly high aspirations for our careers. “Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me”

- Zombie (The Cranberries) – a female rock song to just belt out and feel her passion for whatever mood I was in.

- Break on Through (The Doors) – yes, my friends and I wanted to break on through this side of school to the other side – university, parental freedom, independence!

- Black Hole Sun (Soundgarden) – this was the whole album as we piled into my mum’s Nova and took off on road trips. This created my love of road trips, and the importance of girlfriends.

- Creep (Radiohead) – this album was incredibly depressing, melancholic with tones of anger. The intensity of music builds as it does within until you “RUN”.

- Wonderwall

- A Whole New World childhood friends’ graduation song

- Today Macktown graduation song

Alastair (special category as these songs will always be dedicated to him, and he was the nicest boy to show me not all boys are mean)

- One – our first date

- Black – our song

- Van Diemen’s Land – where we met

- All I Want Is You – Saturday, November 13 – Alastair and his older brother Paddy went to Melbourne for the Zoo TV Tour. His brother had a cell phone, and for each of our songs, Alastair phoned me and shared those moments of the concert with him. Happy memories for my later high school years.

I matriculated from high school in mid-December 1994, and on January 1, 1995, at age 18, I flew alone from Australia to Canada to return home and start my post-secondary career. Another move, more friends to journey away from, and welcome college and knowing no one at school, with maybe one or two friends in Greater Vancouver. I spent time focused on my school, more so over the outfits I had to now coordinate every day, and then I met Jenn, who would become one of my good college/uni friends. She helped me navigate the new waters I was in and delve into the freedoms of college life.

I had moved away from my friends, a home and country I had learned to love and call home, and my love. We maintained our relationship long-distance for over a year after my return to Canada. It was not easy, we allowed ourselves one phone call every couple of months (just due to cost and we were both students), and we used the newly introduced IRC programme to “instant chat” with only a 5-10 second delay between messages. We spent hours on our school labs messaging around our class schedules and the time difference. We wrote letters and mailed them, waiting weeks for their arrival, and he would send flowers from time to time. We would mail parcels back and forth, with a cassette that we were sending our music by. We could not just text a link to a song in order to share it. It required serious dedication to compile a tape to send half-way around the world!

As I wound down my teens, my mood and angst has levelled out, and these were my go-to songs at age 18/19. Elements of pining for my love, but elements of songs that reflect an ability and outlet for me to release any pent-up emotion. Each song can be belted out and each song can be sung in your head as you cry along with the feelings that move over you when you hear it.

College Life Playlist (Last of my teens) 1995-1996

- When I Come Around

- I Can’t Be With You

- Only Want to Be With You

- Spoonman

- No Rain

- Fire Water Burn late night drives after work. It was the only chance I could listen to music loud and sing!

- Hand in My Pocket

- Lightning Crashes this is probably one of the most emotional songs for me from this time period

- Basket Case

- Say It Ain’t So

I feel being a teen with the emergence of grunge in the 90s was this highlight of music for me. The rawness, the uncultured sound, the garage band emerged and guided me through these years. There is no song that can be picked to highlight this decade, and the songs in my list only scratch the surface. Children or adolescents from the 90s are the last generation, I believe, to appreciate music for the artist and for listening to albums cover to cover. When Pearl Jam released their album “Ten”, the whole album was absorbed into our young ears. Then Nirvana emerged with Nevermind, and again, we were lost in the entire album. Artists for me like Green Day, Weezer, Smashing Pumpkins and Red Hot Chilli Peppers are still entire album-worthy listens.

I appreciate the convenience of buying one song from an album, sometimes the only song I like, but like my teenage angst and emotional journey, that art is gone by the way side and in its place, an opportunity to listen and experience music on a whole new catered to your unique style level.

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