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My Love for 5 Seconds of Summer

(reposted and edited from March 27, 2021 because I deleted the band review the same day after posting it and had eventually decided to run away from the process of being there for them again because I’m insecure and sure not what for… anymore… anymore.)

By Keanna Barry Published about a year ago Updated 10 months ago 22 min read
This is everything I didn’t say to my four kings.

5SOS? Did you mean my favourite-perfect-dream band?

If so, you’d be more than correct! This band is my life.

When I say “my life” I’m talking about by being my main obsession in an existential crisis of an existence that really drowns out positive outlets and although all of that sounds childish, sullen, and questionable yet I’m still for certain I can still get away with loving them because they are them and they are emo and my heart just overjoys in gladness at the bare thought of thinking of the ists of sad boys that need whatever my sort of woman is deemed to be.

Since when I was 14 I discovered the band that changed my life for the better.

Hmm, or at least everything they stand for and everything trapped in their sorry hearts that can’t be released in sobriety can…

Now; whether that be all four of them agreeing on something such as fleeting from “5 seconds of summer” and just being 5sos I think they really should. Or maybe that’s just a Calum thing. Or an Ashton thing. Just Luke? Maybe Michael?

How about a Calum, Ashton & Luke thing?Just Ashton, Luke, and Michael? Just Luke & Calum? Or just Michael & Luke? Or you know Ashton & Calum. Calum & Michael. Luke & Ashton?

Okay, you know the rest too because I’m lazy to keep on figuring out the math on that equation.

Now then to admit this… but for this to be admitted…I must tell that being here entertaining my own humour and then this being the worst of it…all four of them not agreeing or not knowing to agree on their companionship of being a band (my fave band) and actually to finally make music that’s so fucking amazing that they can vibe to it too and love it so much and crank it so heavily they forget their fave new shit is their own music. Since they suck very bad because what are love songs doing in a rock alternative band anyways? <oops haha. !!!

Things being like self improvement, and everything they attempt to bring out into the real world almost feels like I’m stuck in a dream when I think of them. But it’s a dream so vivid it’s almost scary to provoke.

Although now that they’re all of a sudden so grown I get sad because it means I’ve grown too. Since May 2013 -current day; December 2021 I never wrote my fan letters for them to give them or completed the surprises I only figured years later but felt maybe this band review would make up for any of it.

I wish they would return to my city of Winnipeg. But I do get it if they just would much rather not. I mean COVID-19 and all. Plus I’m about six years late on apologizing and accepting the fact that my begging of them to tour my country really did happen and that I had missed the opportunity of a lifetime to be found by them. My heart cracks and is completely smushed because I was too poor in material wealth and too poor in spirit to feel loved, needed, wanted, accepted or welcome that it latched a piece of tender hurt onto me for me to understand the riches of a wish coming true, being too sad to even admit and drop everything to ensure that I would fulfill my blessings, and by being too annoying to myself in ways where I couldn’t afford to attend their concert or to go celebrity hunting that day back in 2015.

I wasn’t prepared because I didn’t know the precise or correct or least embarrassing/ridiculous way of being prepared with the way my life flipped out to be for a possible capture as I’m aware that they had been venturing my city and had been in the looks for a fan. I had ever still wished to be that fan because my heart yearns to appreciate them and to love them (any 1/4 but realistically speaking I still adore all 4/4) in an emotional way so that way he whichever “he” will know love from a lonely girl and might actually take her obsession into a peaceful consideration of pure appreciation, approbation, and actual utter complete and pure-generous-gentle-sweet and a sly kind of a nice happening.

That is all I want. Oh... and let’s not forget the side of things where I’ve also been begging for their more emo, more meaningful, and alternative rock sound or which ever genre they’ve been avoiding but has it deep in their hearts to make still and share with us.

I’m a big time supporter but I suck as a stan or fan or whatever the proper term is that would be “correct.”

But I’m truly sorry about that! I wish I could let them know of how sorry I am. I’ve been in and out of the fandom-family? and not because I’m a flake or anything like that but truly because I don’t know how to be a fan girl in the proper ways.

I’m embarrassed of myself and of how this is now a major issue in my legal life but I used to tweet stupid things in their mentions because I never took social media seriously back then.

So now I’m shying away but do still want for them to know how much I actually respect them. Regardless of how annoying, bratty, clingy, dumb, emotional, feelingsless I am, glad to be an influence of theirs, happy to be…? To be…? To be…? To be…?, interested in knowing them in the real to help mend their pains and fuck them up myself for ever being sad ;), just letting the world know how much it’s fun to be like this, (being) keanna as heck because that’s who I am and “keanna” is the queen of this band well at least in her dreams, lost above the surface yet drowning beneath the waters, maybe feeling better in life since drug dependence is moral rather than addiction, never assuming the worst in life and it’s situations because building peace is much better than tearing down the positivity and destroying anything that was made to eliminate hurt and all the other negative stuff, oops haha is all I want to say but oh no I’m in a constant state of denial and pain from the wanders of the earth being right in front of my face and I can’t stand talk to reach them because my fears and insecurities present and pressure and prevent me from doing the right thing… each and every time too, please forgive me for being like this is what I beg and pray for each day because I keep failing, I keep disappearing, I keep disappointing, and I keep running away from more scenes featuring me being there to be laughed at or mocked or silently judged by people not knowing or caring about me, my feelings, my story, or why my story happened, went on for so long and didn’t end, quiet your hearts from my last one… I’m sorry I’m expressing pain like that here but if I keep storing this amount, quality, & quantity of pain than I’m going to wind up being just another one of the rotten apples grocery store workers end up tossing out by no choice because well who wants something expired anymore anyway?, responses lessening due to my lack of communication with myself right off tha bat and then on how I neglect my loved ones because it’s hard to be an expression when the world collapses at your feet time and time again, shutting out the system is okay but not okay enough to do it alone… or on your own… or in your home, there’s always bits and pieces of misunderstandings that sit there in our minds sit their in our hearts and build a house in there to narrow down a function of what is going on rather to what should be going on rather than to express and explain the differences where revengeful sets begin in processes that correspond with the problem and land up corrupting the solutions to extents so high, broad, correct, and functional that I lay here crying in my lifeless heart where it’s unhealthy and unheard but very much it’s noticeable if my body language spoke universal terms, ugly. Feeling it and looking it from extreme external affairs going on in society and my personal life that impacted me so hard on the inside that it interfered with my exterior, very hardcore of a couple courses that climb this ladder leading towards onto more hardships that doesn’t need to happen, exist, or roam the air for time periods equaling ever, with everything going on about in the worldwide system I am not sure what about it is exactly causing my confusion and concerns but for the most precious moment I announce that it’s all to any-thing that is wrong/negative/impractical where it’s not really there in the sense of causing more of it for me to ever be enough to speak out on the topics plagueing my mind, body, soul into the formation of somebody wishing they can reincarnate as a leaf or something else that won’t have to deal… with any-thing to every-thing., x… nothing starts with an x but I believe we must get punny here and (e)xamine the qualities and supports we as toxic beings don’t portray, understand or fulfill…., yes I know I’m a stuck up chicken but how am I supposed to do this when I’m surrounded, trapped, hounded down by so many careless beings that create hurt rather than eliminate it, z… nothing starts with z either but for a conquest I’m on I’ll say that maybe for starters zombies are really real as the living dead resembles a me and a me is a me who can’t bare being here but yet as though I carry on struggling and trying to stand tall overtop my burdens it’s in everyone’s business that doesn’t have the means to pay it forward and demonstrate a product where I can demolish the helpings of selfishness. ~The end of one of my alphabetically inclined poems. :-).

Okay. Now, before my finding of or before really even knowing of tha 5sos I made a prayer asking for a band of boys close to my age and that they were specifically highkey gothic and emo and made rock alternative music. I know it’s a smidge off from who they have been and still currently are in the section of their music but I know one day they will retreat and take full control of their sound and possibly help change the world from their beautiful lyrics.

I believe in them so much. I know that I will always think of them like that and ever so highly. Maybe because they deserve it. They deserve the positive side of things and to disallow the stress of existence in that way they may be able to focus on their music, focus on what their music does for people and by time their next album is out they will have it in them to be known as the best band out there. Or at least in my eyes they are the best due to everything they stand for.

Again, I say this because I believe in them. I have full complete belief and love in them and for what they want to achieve and because there is no set of repetition because they have wanted to be that band like that band that does the most! From even the start of their career but they had been following “dumb guidelines” in which resulted in the misuse of their talents and the mission of completing whatever is in their hearts to do for the world.

I called their way of believing that they weren’t good enough to make that music I was hoping for from the very start a ‘dumb guideline’ because I know there are people out here that believe you have to move in levels when doing things such as being famous and making content for the world but in my mind they would have been more than allowed and welcomed even to have done their perfect genre and make the music they’re destined to create for us to benefit from, from the very get-go.

I only speak figuratively but once you add up everything it makes sense.

I believe at least 1/4 of them and I’m truly hoping not the rest of them has a mentality like that but it’s probable that it’s all four because since it is where they show their beliefs of how things get done in ways that are slowly turning me to believe that they don’t act on the matter of how great they are but they may still show them to each other in this kind of way that’s admirable and truly something I ache for to know myself.

To know that side of them and then embrace all of it for them and wishful thinking here: with them, because that’s just how the act of love and adoration should be brought out as from a fan to their idols. Seeing them work and being their authentic non problematic wait I meant to say pretentious selves would be a wish, a dream, an ulterior and ultimate experience because that’s just so damn beautiful. Like them.

My mind wants to see it for her self if it were to be possible to fall in love with any of these wholesome men in the real but it’s unlikable that it would happen since I guess they would want nothing to do with me after having 7 or more attempts and zero explanations besides an annoying attempt at being a social media fan again.

I mean to fall in love and keep the guy is something I’m desperately in need of.

Unrealistic but something I may crave.

I mean I would ever want to protect the guy but also I’d want to be protected by him. Not exactly for certain of who I’m talking about because I’m in love with all four of them!

Now I’m just wishing for someone just anyone with that good connection who would be proud to have me and not feel guilty to keep me.

They pull at my heart strings because now that I am older and more mature with my feelings and less childish with my antics and cries for help I’m ready to give my heart away and take care of a sad boy that needs my love just as much as I need his.

Yet for my now broken fan girl heart I know that I can’t have any of them but that’s okay because I love them still and as much as my clingy and overly obsessive ex fan self hates being like this…it is allowed right?

Things I’d admire myself all so highly to run my mouth to C.T.H. if I could would be: “Hi, I love you! You make me happy all on its own and even happier that you exist in a place that needs someone (you in specific actually) to make the world a better place because from your testimonies, to the things you’re afraid to say, to everything you have in your heart to show me and the rest of the world, to the major ways of you beginning and holding a role of being looked up to and then maintaining all of it. You’re doing great and I admire it all! You once posted on Instagram a group photo with the caption “These are my best buds. They’re in a band. It’s my fav band. My best buds are in my fav band.” Which was sweet of you to say but then I had to go and comment: “cute caption and all but u neglected the fact U are in YOUR fav band???” So pretty much all I’m saying is that same love you have for your friends and for your band needs to be put out there a little more for yourself. And by “a little more” I mean completely more!!! You little liar of being a narcissist. I mean that in a complimentary sense. Anyway you’re special to me and I am forever holding you in high regards but it makes me sick that you’re not withholding more of a self love at all times kind of heart because hmm I mean how can you not when you’re apart of 5sos and are one of my favourite peoples? So please for my own sake and then on your own sake please let that guy do his thing and appreciate you for all your worth and just in case you got confused by my choice of wording this I’m only saying how you should be your own love of your life because it’s beautiful when you can feel, see, hear, and consciously know how much you love, appreciate, respect, and care for your own self first most and second most and then on being able to shift from caring about yourself because you’re at a comfortable all good state that can actually allow you to guiltlessly care for others overtop of yourself.”

Things I’d get loud to A.F.I. over if I could: “Hi, I love you! You’re an amazing song writer so I’m here to ask you something... where is the music? The words? The inspiration? The limits that your heart is aching to make? I mean the life changing ones. The ones where you’ll feel so satisfied about your masterpieces and then on not be so down on yourself for not showing the world what you have in you! Which is so much that your shallow sober mind is contradictory towards your escape of self hate and for the elimination of escaping mental health issues, concerns and illnesses that makes your life an unfair game where you may forget that you’re it’s main character and that you’re game can be paused for literally however long you need to pause it for and just learn the route of what you want to fulfill and go and get right there because it’s being done all for you and from you so I try in my attempt to say something to an out risk issue i have with you which would be your self hate and other unknown sources of fearing anything positive. I want to just say the music most of us have expected from you, the rest of the band too but from you especially Ashton needs to be the releasement of your pretentious emo-ness as you mean the world to me and even though I’ve barely shown it to you in the fan girl world you still hold a special place in my heart as you’re soaring through my mind constantly with ideas I’d love if you just dominated the scene and said “yea we’re doing it this way”. Like instead of just suffering with the decisions of the bands past conspiracies of doing it a certain way and not your fun and loving way you wish you could have done from the start but since you’re about almost midway through your career I say you can still and I could go on for days maybe even years because of the lost time I’ve shed into my chance of being a supporter of yours. A lousy one but I’m still here. Also!!! Also!!! Also!!! I want to congratulate you on your solo album. Your songs make me sad though. Like more than my usual kind of sadness. Especially the “I’m to blame” one but we don’t have to go there right now or at all. I just want for you to know how much I look up to you and by how much you have influenced me greatly for my own life. So I want to say thank you for all of it.”

Things I’d punish L.R.H. over if I could: “Hi, I love you! You sing pretty boy vocals to not so great songs... and by not so great I mean some of them are rude & mean and that’s not very nice of you to complete as your songs are communication so I want to target you on the “where is the emo music at?” Side towards you and mainly you! I mean your pretty boy voice is so attractive in ways where it’s attracting the right kind of things. Like my sad girl self getting excited to hear you on her Spotify random plays. I’m hoping that you create more stuff you’ll be into. Key word: “YOU” so yes I’m calling you out and targeting you for it. I can feel that your band has a Three Days Grace, Rise Against, Billy Talent and all of your favourite rock alternative kind of vibes type of way of music that you’re looking into exampling for yourself and for the rest of the band too. I may miss the old stuff one day but we have a world to influence for the better sake. And that’s a reason of why I love 5sos because you’re my emo boys that want to make a difference in the world today. So all I am saying is that you got this and you Luke, are not lame so please keep trying for that better sake. You got this! For yourself and yourself really only because we can’t walk through your life for you only with you and as much as I’d like to be you for you I can’t so please just let in the answers to your troubles and fulfill the taming of your pains that way your future self can begin a forgiveness venture where what needs to be done will get done and you’ll be able to float and function with less harmful energy in your head to yourself and to any others that may upset you to the point you hurt even more from the drastically inclined proportion of unkindly taking away the hateful energy in your breaths reachable air’s atmosphere.”

Things I’d just let M.G.C. know in my cute ghetto tone if I could: “Hi, I love you! Sing more please! I love the sound of your voice especially when you’re yelling... yes I know but it’s still music to my ears and I would keep that on repeat! I don’t know why I figured this but I believe that you’re the “man in charge” of the band and I say this to maybe wake up that side of you that may ever feel useless or actually by any negative thing that confronts you without benefiting from it and for you to then do the best that you haven’t currently been doing because I’m still proud of you and need for you to know just because you haven’t accomplished everything you have in your heart that it doesn’t make you suck. It only means there is time to grow and time to pick up the pace and finally fulfill your love and appreciation for your life and for the world you live in. That last part may be tough but it’s a reachable concept so I say: you got this! And I’m here to support you and the band for a life time! Also your ugly (ugly for being bullies)-bullyful- & also quite incorrect (in the matters of why they hate why they should actually) fan base!!!! that well... hmmm shouldn't be bullies !!! especially!!!! because !!! they're emo lads too !!! and !!! they: like/love/appreciate/respect/uplift/embrace/& want whats best for our perfect, emo, dream band that well aren't flawless. ((((but has it in them to be that way/be better/be the best/be in my heart again/ be who they should have been from the geck go/ & rise above the limits of any to all of their deceptions))))!!! Now for the matter of fact that they aren't superior to the idea that they suck at their career because the ones that let them down hard wouldn’t and hadn’t done that if only they knew they mattered to someone let alone them... their band the band that would have taught and learned by them. The ones that just wanted the "I hate me and wanna die" songs & music not the 'lovey dovey' songs about her or of whatever woman that hurt y'all to the point your brinks have been cascaded through your appearances and made you guys so sick and sad that she ran away from being the cause and reason of the sickness going on around and within and then along with that she blocked all of ya on every form of social media (except tumblr) because your army of angry-misunderstanding-incorrectly judgers that would and ever have been judging a very sad sad sad sad girl that you wouldn't know how to handle or control because maybe she's too insecure of herself to even say hi to people at the age of 22.”

So I may be tailed of who am I to say these things? From any others that don’t see my sincerity in this band review. Well I am a fan of theirs and in no way would I ever try to dog them out or put them down on anything they haven’t achieved yet because I do know they’re trying their very best and still have it in them deeply to succeed at being the band everybody will admire from then on because their music will be more beautiful and more meaningful.

I know this because they will have taken on the tactic of wanting their music to be purely something we can all love and benefit from.

Not that we don’t already but for more people to find peace in life from their music they won’t later on be ashamed of making because it will be so awkward of them to continue on and act like boys when real men handle their mental illness and outreach their pains into their work that will be sent out to the clouds and be so loudly vibrant that for portraying sensations they will strengthen their faults and become the first ones in the public eye to exclaim their right to freedom and freely doing as what they want to do as we expected or knew from the beginning that they were like this or that they really are and that they are far more than just in the rotation of trying to complete their duties as famous ones but that they are actually very capable of it they are just sad over bad evil reality like many but as being them they are at least my favourites because they being the most attractive, genuine, important, and assertive ones I claim they should be able to be able to quickly call out the bullshit issues wrecking the repairs of what went on before their (our) time here on earth.


About the Creator

Keanna Barry

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