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Music speaks when words fail

by Jesse Proctor 24 days ago in fact or fiction

My journey in music

Music literally saves my life and mind everyday. My name is Jesse Probibiliteez and i’m addicted to music. Growing up with a physical disability(Arthrogryposis Multiplex Congenita) was very tough and often times felt out of place, like I didn’t belong. Because I was born disabled, the education system placed me in a School for Specific Purposes which taught me nothing exept how to color within the lines at 2nd grade. Luckily for me, my mother would teach me numbers and words at home, read to me, and got me used to doing arithmetic. When I would attend school, I would get bored and start practicing my numbers and words because all they had me do was color. My young brain was very eager to learn. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely appreciate art on so many levels but my young mind craved knowledge. After 2 weeks of me writing simple math and basic words instead of coloring got the attention of my teacher and from that moment the education system realized that they had to place me in mainstream education. Because my mother took the time to teach me numbers and words, it saved me from becoming stuck in a School for Specific Purposes.

7 years old

Years past and now i’m in middle school, it’s 1992. Still feeling out of place because of my disability and just trying to fit in just as any 12 year old boy does. Not having much luck with socializing I turned to video games and computers which led me to a game called toejam & earl for the sega genesis system. This game fascinated me with beats and music. Soon after I was begging my mom for one of those casio keyboards with a drum machine built in. “Joy to the world” was the first song I learned on the piano.

When I entered high school in 1994, I tried hanging out with all types of groups but always felt outcasted from each…exept for one group, it was the punks, metalheads, and skaters who accepted me for who I am. They didn’t care that I was in a wheelchair, they didn’t treat me differently like so many others did. It was a feeling of freedom. Freedom that I very much needed. I absolutely loved my new found friends and freedom. Going to punk shows and listening to music is all I wanted to do. This new lifestyle also introduced drugs and alcohol into my life. My grades started to drop because my interest for school had diminished and the hunger for music began. Started off listening to NOFX, Lag Wagon, Guttermouth, Bad religion, Pennywise, and Pulley. Eventually progressing to bands such as Nausea, Glycine Max, MDC, Siege, Dystopia, Instant Asshole, Lost world, and GG Allin.

I finally made it through high school and was on my way to attend college. This is where I discovered EDM. Electronic music opened the doors for me to find rebirth made by propellerheads now known as reason studios which eventually lead me to reason 5. It would be years before I actually constructed my first song because I couldn’t figure out how to use reason. Perseverance and the hunger kept me from giving up on music production. After reading the user manual a thousand times, I still only understood about a quarter of this awesome DAW. Frustrated and feeling overwhelmed, I sadly put a halt on reason 5 and got drunk at punk shows. After years of watching my friends have thier bands made me wanna have one of my own but this doesn’t happen for some time after. It was a difficult task for me to start a band due to the fact that my hands are twisted and deformed preventing me from playing most instruments. Nobody wanted to work with me. This sent me into a downward spiral of depression which led me to develop a drinking problem. It wasn’t my disability that depressed me, it was the fact that I wasn’t making music. For a while I convinced myself that making music was a pipe dream. So I put music to the side for many drunken years. Many years were spent on the streets of waikiki getting into trouble and up to no good.

It was in waikiki where I met one of my many ex’s. Her name is kukki. We formed a punk band in 2017 called the pearl shitheads. Word of advice…dont date anyone in the band!!! We lasted as a band for a year then kukki left me. No worries though, it was a blessing in disguise. I went on to form N.F.A.(No Forgive Action). That band lasted about 2 years before me and the drummer had a falling out. I really wanted to record an album at the time but money was very tight and I didn’t have any of my own equipment. Losing two punk bands in the matter of five years made me realize that I needed to change my ways. Having the DIY attitude that I grew up with I decided to do it myself and count on nobody but myself.

The Pearl Shitheadz

N.F.A.(No Forgive Action)

Today I run a studio called HandzDownProductionz. I still work on my own projects but what I mainly focus on is recording other people and making their music sound very clean. My partner bigg happ has taught me a lot in the past year. We handle genres from hip-hop to island jams to reggae and of course we always cant forget PunkRock. It is a very satisfying feeling to work for yourself but this did not happen overnight it took a lot of hard work and a lot of perseverance to make this happen. I guess the reason why I’m writing the story is to show you to never give up on your dreams. If I gave up on my dreams who knows where I’d be I’d probably be dead in a gutter somewhere or in jail. Thank you for taking the time to read this if you have reached this point.

fact or fiction

Jesse Proctor

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