Juicy Made Me Cry

Yes, birthdays were hard for me too! Now I can drink Champagne (or any beverage) when I am thirsty.

I burst into tears as Notorious B.I.G blared through my speakers, speaking to my soul. It was “Juicy.”

There I was, just a couple of weeks ago, a thirty-year-old white woman in Australia, crying with a sense of kinship. It was almost like “Juicy” was also my story of overcoming struggle. How much can a white Australian woman, cushioned by white privilege, really relate to Biggie and his story in this song? Probably very little. I didn’t hustle on the street to feed my daughter, for starters. Yet, this song hit me; with very current emotion and nostalgia from the many times, it lifted my spirits as a teen.

I cried because I made it. I was no longer in a constant struggle like I was in my adolescence and young adult life. The line about birthdays being the worst and now being able to drink Champagne whenever always makes me smile. Although, in my case, when I was a teenager, I drank goon when I was thirsty. It was a very economical choice.

Luckily, as a much wiser person, some almost fifteen years later, I no longer drink goon when I am thirsty. Now, it could be celery juice, coffee, fancy super-food smoothies; I can have what I feel like.

That line also gets me because I remember often feeling let down and alone on special occasions when I was younger. Were these frequent low feelings simply teenage angst and melodrama or, was my life generally a disappointment? Perhaps a bit of both.

I remember for my seventeenth birthday; I got a $2 hairbrush from my Mum. I was the lucky one. My sister got a $2 tissue box, wrapped and all, as if this is a typical gift to give an 18-year-old on their special day. I wonder if the tissues were to cry into, knowing she got nothing for her birthday?

On reflection, I believe my Mum thought it would be best to have something for our birthdays rather than nothing. An odd, cheap gift felt worse at the time, though. However, we were pretty used to unusual things and not always getting consistent parental support so, we could almost laugh about it. My friend’s families had special events planned, and wads of cash slipped in their birthday cards. It was an awkward question to answer that year; what did you get for your birthday? Teens aren't overly sensitive either, so nobody held back their laughter.

Yes, I know, it wasn’t the worst thing that ever happened to someone. I am sure you are not crying for the poor, disadvantaged girl who didn’t get enough presents. However, I was a negatively focused teen, and this tiny event was just another example of why my life was difficult and shameful, another thing to hide. We often struggled for money back then, and I was consumed by a world of one thing going wrong after the other.

Anyways, back to the music. I remember cranking “Juicy,” 6 am and the windows down, driving to work. I was around nineteen and emotionally lost. Biggie gave me energy on those early mornings. I was still in the struggle then though, the song was more aspirational and really, just an awesome song. How could it not make me feel good?

Over ten years later, the same song made me cry, mostly tears of relief. I made it, just like Biggie talks about in the song. Sure, maybe my ‘making it’ wasn’t as impressive as his, but very strangely, I can relate.

There are so many other songs that remind me of all that teen angst. I started to add some to make this more of a list, but decided this one is enough. This one Biggie song has so recently surprised me with how it stirred emotions of the past. It also helps me celebrate overcoming the teenage angst years, letting go of that negative focus, and now actually living a pretty amazing life.

Listen with me: