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I can’t carry this anymore

by SsFemmeFatalesS 2 years ago in song reviews

I can carry this now.

Loneliness is my best friend

The first time I heard this song, I was at work, doing my end of night standard procedures. Sometimes I like to listen to music because I know it will take me a while. I’m a manager at a pub. People look at me and see any other person and know nothing about me. The song is by Anson Seabra, the title “I cant carry this anymore”

The very first sound that I heard & my body froze, I connected to the lyrics & the music on a whole other level. I’ve had depression since I was 15. My best friend commit suicide and a month later my mum passed away. As the years went on the death toll increased, I at 24 had 1 friend still alive and though I have siblings we’re not close so almost no family. I don’t have a father only a biological sperm donor, or at least that’s what I call him.

I felt every word that he sung, I felt that pain, I related to it. I’ve lived it for 10 years now. It was in that song I realised I’m not as alone as I thought I was. Knowing there are others that can put into words what I can’t even begin to explain has had a wave of relief crash over me like waves crash into a cliff.

That night as I finished up my work, holding in so much, I got into my car and sat there .... played that song over and over and over .... tears streaming down my cheeks because for the first time in a long time I felt connected to something. I think of finding my best friends body and how heavy that has weighed on my shoulders ..... how much I’ve blamed myself for not doing more ..... I think of the day my siblings & I found our mums body, she looked peaceful .... I think of my siblings falling out, I think of the multiple attempts I’ve taken against my life, I think of how I reached out for their help and got nothing .... I think of how my life had spiralled out of control. I can never not go back to it. It is a huge let out for me. It’s where I go to vent. It’s my safe zone. My security net. Nothing can describe just what that song has done and continues to do for me.

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