How Does this Movie Exist? 'Rockula' 1990

This might just be me being a little… hyperbolic, but, the 1990 musical comedy Rockula starring Dean Cameron is disease somehow rendered as a movie. Watching Rockula, which was released 30 years ago as of this writing, in February of 2020, was what I imagine contracting the plague must have been like. It begins as discomfort that grows into genuine aches and pains before developing into an all consuming feeling of slow, painful, agonizing death.

Again, that could just be hyperbole. Nevertheless, I felt legitimately set upon a I sat to watch Rockula, a movie I assumed would be bad but did not imagine to be the lost, higher budget cousin to such poorly made, unwatchable nightmares like Little Nicky or Hostel or the post American Pie career of Chris Klein, or the post American Pie career of most of the American Pie cast for that matter.

Rockula stars the Dollar Store brand leading man Dean Cameron in the role of Ralphy, a more than 400 year old vampire, who is also a virgin who lives with his mother (Toni Basil), and talks to an imaginary version of himself who lives in a mirror and no, I am not making this up out of some fever dream. Ralphy is cursed to fall in love with Mona (Tawny Fere) every 22 years. That’s when Mona comes of age and is subsequently murdered by pirates. The sheer volume of cocaine needed to create this movie is unimaginable.

The latest reincarnation of Mona is rocker chick with her own band. This inspires Ralphy to win her heart by starting his own rock band for which he takes the name of Rockula and the band’s gimmick is that he is a vampire lead singer who is secretly a real vampire. Whether Ralphy is secretly a vampire or is known as a vampire is a plot point so unspeakably sloppily introduced that I cannot begin to explain which way the movie intends us to understand it.

Did I mention that Rockula, on top of having one of the most insipid plots imaginable is also a musical that features some of the most stomach-clenchingly cringe-worthy songs of all time? Oh yes, there is no end to the inhumanity that makes up Rockula. To underline just how misguided the movie is, the film co-stars Toni 'Mickey' Basil, Thomas 'She Blinded Me with Science' Dolby and Bo Diddley, but leaves the musical performances to star Dean Cameron and co-star Tawny Fere.

Oh the cringe, the unending cringe. After debuting Rockula the band with some exceptionally bland power pop about a vampire rock band, the movie has the next live performance be a rap song with the wretch inducing title of "Rapula." To say that Dean Cameron is not a rapper would be akin to saying Post Malone is not a bicycle. The hip hop of Rockula makes Jamie Kennedy’s Kickin it Old Skool look like Straight Outta Compton.

I have to be careful making reference to Jamie Kennedy as saying his name three times causes him to appear like a demon of the underworld, making terrible hip hop references, and performing deeply unfunny comedy. It’s a wonder that Rockula was not saved for someone like Kennedy as it has his style of highly processed, marketed and deeply unfunny comedy down pat. In fact, Kennedy is a rather good example of a slightly more brand name version of Dean Cameron. He’s the Dollar General leading man to Cameron’s Dollar Store version to abuse my previous metaphor.

So, you might be thinking, dear reader, that if Rockula is so bad then why hasn’t it been revived for late night screenings and culture wide mocking? Surely something as toxic as Rockula must be good for an unkind laugh and a few good riffs, and I understand why you might think that. But no, no my friend, Rockula is not good for any kind of a good time, it’s not even good for a good mocking. Rockula is the kind of bad from which no pleasure can be derived. Rockula is a black hole of awful from which no light can escape.

Rockula turns 30 years old on the weekend of February 21st and will be discussed on the Everyone’s A Critic Movie Review Podcast.