Every couple of years, and now seemingly every week, something is trending. Unfortunately for me, now it's spirituality. I loathe this era. All these "love and light" chicks burning incense with rocks in their bras telling me everything is going to be alright if I just "believe".
I believe I didn't just lose my job and there isn't only $44 in my bank account and rent isn't due in 17 days. Let's not forget to light a white candle and spray the room with essentials oils to break up the negative energy for a little razzle dazzle.
It wouldn't be so bad if my room mate didn't see a special marking on her arm, and now she believes she's a descendant of the one of the witches of Salem. I still find it hard to believe. Not because it's ridiculous, but it's likely impossible. Weren't they all burned? Or hung? However the story goes. You can tell I didn't pay much attention in history. Whatever the case, I indulge her because although I'm not a fan of the double, bubble, toil, and trouble, I did pay attention in economics and without her, I can't afford to pay the rent. So don't ask me if we got a cat to ward off evil spirits or if I stole IV needles from work to help her draw blood for spells. I said don't ask me! I can't give anyone anymore evidence to incriminate me and justify why I should be fired; or why Schedule I narcotics are missing from the locker as well. I had nothing to do with that! Work is a scam anyway.
"I'm home!" My all too enthusiastic room mate screams as she bursts through the door. Having heard that I was ruthlessly extradited from the work force should have warranted a little more compassion. She wasn't all that good at reading the room anyway. I'm guessing clairvoyance isn't one of her gifts.
"Hi Des! I'm in the bedroom"
Not 2 seconds after the words wafted off my tongue, was the most eccentric character on the planet standing in the frame of my door. She was draped with a smock splotched with paint to match the unintentional pattern randomly thrust unto her jet black hair and a pair of dirty Keds I swear she had since 1998. Before I was able to get a full scan of her, she shouted which again I felt was inappropriate given the circumstances.
"HAYLEY EVELYN O'NEIL!!!!"
She knows I hate when she does that, and to add insult to injury, she pauses for dramatic effect whilst reaching in her bag.
"Desiree' Monroe" [forcefully through my teeth feigning some semblance of excitement]
"Guess who's going to Costa Rica!"
Laying on my bed as I looked up at that innocent face riddled with excitement, recalling my recent loss of employment and the $44 in my bank account, even though the gloating was almost unbearable, I listened for the last words I could have imagined I would have heard, and uttered begrudgingly "you and who else?"
"You silly! I couldn't imagine taking anyone but my best friend!"
The jury is still out on the "best friend" thing, but loose lips sink ships, so I'd better see how my ship is going to make it back to shore and how this Costa Rica excursion is supposed to happen with my circumstances. I mean she is partially the reason I got fired . . . if you know . . . I actually stole some IV needles from work, so she kind of owes me, but I didn't want to push it.
"Des, you do remember that I got fired" [as I looked at the two electronic first class tickets stating:
Passenger 1: Desiree' Monroe; Passenger 2: Hayley O'Neil]
"I know it's the craziest story"
Which is a very common occurrence in regard to Desiree'.
"So my cousin was dating this guy and he works with stocks and stuff I think. Well he got arrested. Something about insider trading. He's not in jail, but since he's a flight risk, he had to surrender his passport. My cousin has to spend the week looking for a place to stay until all of this blows over so she can't go. She transferred the tickets to my name and I added you as a traveler. Everything is paid for. All we have to cover is our souvenirs and maybe some excursions, and yes I know, you don't have a job. I can pay your portion. SURPRISE!!!! Gosh I said I wanted to manifest a vacation, but I didn't think the universe was going to work this fast on my behalf. There really is power in your words."
Her annoying giggle almost made me forget that I was getting a free trip to Paradise. Forgive my cynicism, but is it really that magical that an old balding creep in a suit that preys on 2o something girls and eats $600 steaks and exploits immigrants would be arrested for committing a crime? You know what, I heard it too. Let me pack my bags.
I have never flown first class before and the free champagne was the icing on the cake. It's kind of bittersweet the fact that in a week it will be back to reality and I go from the princess to the pauper again. So I focused all my energy into staying present and enjoying the trip and not worrying what happens when we get back to America for the time being. Especially since we made the flight by the skin of our teeth because Desiree' was trying to bring her divination tools through security. The TSA was surprisingly reasonable about her expressing her religious freedom and her fated purpose, but 9/11 is still a thing.
As we began our final descent into San Jose International Airport, I couldn't believe the gorgeous verdant terrain and crystal blue water that would be surrounding us. "Daddy Warbucks" spared no expense. We were picked up in a luxury car and whisked away to a 5 star hotel. The food, and drinks and entertainment was unimaginable. Then of course Hurricane Desiree' swooped in with her antics.
"Hayley! PLEASE!!! We have to go!!!"
I had already braced myself to hate her idea, until I read the words
She went into her spiel about how spiritual it was and how connected to the Earth I would feel, and how it would give purpose and meaning to everything and the experience would change my life. I just wanted to get high; which disclaimer, has absolutely no connection to the missing narcotics at my former place of employment.
"Okay Des, sign us up"
I wasn't thrilled about the 8am wakeup, but if the high was anything like I had heard about, it would be worth it. We met the shaman and a couple other hopefuls on their spiritual journey at the van and proceeded to retreat into the jungle. While the shaman droned on about the history of the practice of what we were going to do, I plugged in my headphones and was carried away on the wings of my playlist. No disrespect to the locals, but I doubt the Costa Ricans would want to hear the history of Disney World; they just want to ride the rides. At least that's what I told myself. The only information that stuck out to me is that we might vomit after imbibing. If that was the worst I had to look forward to, I think I'll be alright. Sounds like a regular Friday night after about 7 shots of Jose Cuervo.
We finally got to the location and sat in a circle while the shaman began to brew the tea. It was finally time for me to sip this nectar of the Gods and I began to float away.
I don't know how much time elapsed or when I passed out, but I woke up by myself in a barn. When I think of Costa Rica, barn doesn't come up as something I would expect, but here we are.
I was about to find my way out when I heard fluttering in the near distance. I turned around and saw a very haggard owl. I turned back around to continue my exit because I'm not a veterinarian when I heard;
"Hayley, please help me"
Oh Costa Rica, you didn't disappoint. This stuff is great!
"Hayley, please bring me something to eat. I'm so weak and I can no longer fly"
"What should I bring you, a Tootsie Roll pop?" I asked as I hysterically burst out into laughter. This owl was really talking to me.
"No. I eat bugs, fish, and mice. Could you catch any of things for me? If you do, I'll make all your dreams come true. All you have to do is feed me"
The owl is talking to me.
"I'm Rosalinda. I've been here for quite some time and I really want to leave. Could you please help?"
When I finally decided to give into my high, I expressed to "Rosalinda" that I'm sorry I couldn't help her because I don't know how to hunt and I needed to get back to my group so I don't get left, and good luck.
"Well what are you going to do about money since you got fired for stealing?"
"Okay, I didn't steal, but let's see if I can find you a mouse and a new location for you to inhabit".
Miraculously, there was a mouse behind me and even more surprising, I was able to catch it and she ate so appreciatively.
I put Rosalinda on my arm and found my way back to group. Between the fact that I rescued an injured owl from a barn, hunted, and saw Desiree' behind the van puking her brains out, I was quite amused.
So apparently in order to bring a bird into the United States, it has to quarantine and you have make arrangements 30 days in advance. Well would you know that my social butterfly of a roommate met a guy who forged some paperwork for me, stating I worked at Wildlife Conservatory and I was authorized to bring Rosalinda into the United States to save her life. Who knew?
I was under the impression that the ayahuasca would wear off and I would come to my senses. At least one of these things happened, but . . .
the owl from the barn was still talking to me.
"Every time you feed me, I will get stronger and then I can grant you a wish. Your energy will give me strength"
I'm still not convinced by all this, but the fact that Desiree' doesn't want the owl here because it's a bad omen and it freaks the cat out and they both stay away from me, I'd oblige Rosalinda with anything she wants. Especially since I don't have to hunt for her food; I can just buy it at the Pet Store.
The more I fed Rosalinda, the stronger she got and a series of coincidences began to happen.
I got a job assisting a socialite. She pays me exorbitant amount of money just to perform menial tasks for her, party with her, and show up places with her. She doesn't mind Rosalinda being there either. Before you ask, yes I do give money to Desiree'. I wouldn't get all of this abundance and not share it with my best friend right?
I met this amazing guy and he checks all my boxes. Desiree' had me do this stupid list with her, stating all the things I wanted in a partner and he is everything and more. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I'm having a really amazing time with him.
My job had to compensate me for wrongful termination. To avoid a long drawn out trial, we just settled for 3 million dollars out of court.
My life was a dream.
I was about to meet the socialite for a drink when I felt the worse pain in my body. I went home and I saw Rosalinda flying around the penthouse like a phoenix. She was unrecognizable; The more she flapped her wings, the greater my pain intensified.
"Rosalinda, please take the pain away. I know I'm supposed to feed you first, but I don't have the strength. Please help me!"
She circled around me a couple more times, and then I saw my reflection looking back at me. Rosalinda had shapeshifted into me!
"I'll take the pain away. I'll take everything away. Your life is mine now"
I couldn't believe my eyes or my ears.
"Take my life? After all I did for you? I rescued you from that barn! I helped you! How could you do this to me?! YOU USED ME!!!
"Like you used Desiree' the whole time you knew her. She truly cared for you and you only kept her around to benefit from her. Even the IV needles were confiscated in the event that her money spell did work, she said she would give you half of anything she got; but when you moved in with the socialite you only gave her the security deposit and 1 month that you were late even though she constantly covered for you. Well unbeknownst to you, the socialite and I are true best friends and she vowed to help me reassume my human form so we can spend our lives together. I didn't need insects or mice. It was your greed and fear that gave me power. Wisdom was the only thing that could save you, but you didn't do better when you knew better. Now you will end up with nothing! I bet you wish Desiree' had her divination tools now huh?"
I gathered what little strength I had and tried to strike Rosalinda but the next moment all I saw was black.
I often hear Desiree' crying for me and I'll randomly see a glass of water or wine or some of my favorite food pop up out of nowhere. I guess she put my picture on her altar. I see the fire from the candles she lights for me, but I never have the strength to make it back to her. When I was alive, she told me how souls could cross over, but I never listened to her. So Rosalinda has my body and my soul is forever separated from me. I'm only a shell of my bad intentions and energy. I only had one friend in the world and I didn't appreciate her. Now I'll never see her again. I still don't believe in all the spirituality mumbo jumbo, because everyone can't have everything they want because they "manifest" it; but if you ever see an owl in a barn, just turn around and don't look back.