Flashback to Living My Dream

Just four short (or really long, depending on how I feel in the moment) months ago I was performing on the Marriott Stage at 11:00 pm on the closing night of The NAMM Show 2020 in Anaheim, CA. It was my biggest show to date, and I can still feel the adrenaline from that night when I think back to it. Coming off of the show, I had momentum like I've never had before, and I was more than ready to keep rolling with the live shows, the travel, and the growing of my music career. Then COVID happened.

I'm a pop singer-songwriter and recording artist from small-town Tonkawa, OK. I've been pursuing a career in music full-time for about 3 years now. Getting accepted to perform on one of The NAMM Show stages this past January was one of the biggest moments in my career to date. The week of the show me, my parents, and my brother (also my drummer) loaded up the Ford truck with our equipment and gear and made our 7th road-trip in 12 months to California. My guitarist, Noah, flew in to Anaheim from Austin, TX. My two backup vocalists, Brittany and Krista, flew in from OKC. My bass player, Kenneth, drove down from San Luis Obispo, CA. It was important to me for this show to have some of my favorite and most reliable people by my side. I also had five friends fly out for the show too, which meant the world to me (Caleb and Deb, Stephanie and Braden, and Hannah). We had hotel room practices the day before and the day of the show. We all explored the halls of The NAMM Show together during the day, and then enjoyed all of the live music going on in the evenings. We were all trying to make the most of our time there, soaking up every minute of it all.

Before the show, Jerry (my label guy, manager, and simply awesome dude) took us all out to dinner at P.F. Changs. I was so nervous for the show, eating wasn't really doable. I hadn't been nervous for a gig in a long time. I feel very comfortable and at home on the stage. However, NAMM is a conference full of music industry professionals. This show wouldn't just be for the average music lover and consumer; the people in the audience would know their stuff. I think we all felt the weight the show held for us.

We walked back to the hotel after dinner to start getting ready for the performance. I can remember my hand shaking as I put on my eyeshadow. I still can't believe I got my liquid black eyeliner on right the first time. I drank hot tea with lemon and honey, gargled pink salt water, and warmed up my voice in the bathroom while my band practiced their instruments. Then it was time to put on my costume. I wanted to go all out for this show. My momager blinged up my bright green dress and boots with rhinestones so I'd shine on the stage. In a sea of black clothing, I stood out. I wanted to be noticed. I wanted people to be like, "What's going on? Who is this girl?" So they would stop and watch the show. It worked. While we were walking to the venue for the show people were stopping us to ask why I was dressed like that. It's actually pretty funny, but hey, when you travel for 1,400 miles for a show you want people to be interested in seeing you!

Jerry invited us up to his room at the Marriott before the show to just relax and chill for a bit. I was really nervous. I tried to relax and focus on just having a good time. I've come to find that as long as I'm being myself and having fun on stage, the show will be good. If I'm stressed or worried about any aspect of the show, my performance suffers. So it was really important to me that my whole band just got up there and had fun.

The rest is kind of a blur. We went downstairs, set up on the stage, and then started performing. It was crazy. I think I was in shock the whole time. A lot of gigs when you are first starting out are just you singing for an empty bar or room. This was not that. The space in front of the stage was completely packed, and people walking through the lobby stopped to watch. It was our biggest audience to date. It was also our best audience to date; the crowd was so engaged and responsive! It's so much easier for me to relax and enjoy the show when the crowd is into it.This show was cool for so many reasons, but one really awesome part of it was that it was our first all-originals set ever. We didn't do a single cover song, and that in itself was a milestone for me as a singer-songwriter and artist.

About 3/4 of the way into the show I made my way to the keyboard to perform my solo piano slow song, "Messy Parts". It's a piece I wrote about my own struggles with anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder, and how I'm not alone in my struggles. We all have pain, sorrow, and fears. It's important to remember that when we interact with people, because you never know what someone is going through.

After "Messy Parts" we go straight into my song "High School", a track about a very messy time in my life. I opened my mouth to sing the first words and I look out in the crowd and there's my husband, in a new suit with a clean-shaven face (I like it when he shaves) smiling all big and cheesy up at me.

I almost lost it right there on the stage. I had absolutely no idea he was coming. He secretly flew in with my bother and sister-in-law to surprise me. He was the one thing missing from the whole experience, and then all of sudden he was there. (He waited until after "Messy Parts" to make his presence known; he knew if I saw him before or during that song that I would've broken down completely!) Joshua kept his trip to NAMM for my show a secret for 3 whole months leading up to the event. It was the best surprise ever and the sweetest thing he's ever done for me. I still get giddy thinking about it now.

When I think back on my performance at The NAMM Show 2020, I feel so much joy and excitement and gratitude for that experience. Since COVID happened the travel and the live shows have come to a halt for me. We had so much momentum after that performance, and it feels like that energy has been lost in some ways. However, I'm very hopeful for the future and all of the possibilities that lie ahead for my journey in music. I realize how very blessed I am. During these past few months I've been able to write music in my home studio, produce tracks with my brother, and do some weekly Facebook Live concerts. I miss the people, though. Live music is so magical, and it's my hope that it comes back soon.

Even though it seems like things have been at a standstill, I refuse to give into the fear and discouragement that tries to take hold of my mind. We all have to just look ahead and keep running the race before us. Don't give up, don't give in. There are so many possibilities available to those who don't quit. That's my hope for humanity during this time. That we would champion each other, root for each other, lift each other up, and run the race together. I hope my music can help people do that. Music is powerful, and it's my dream that mine would use its power for good.

I'd love to share my new song "Possibilities" with you all. Never stop dreaming, always look ahead, and follow the light.

P.S. I know that so many have suffered at the hand of COVID, whether it be through the loss of work, loss of family or friends, or any other terrible outcome of this sickness. My heart goes out to those who've been impacted negatively during this time.