Does Anyone Remember Megan McCauley?

I first saw Megan McCauley grace a stage in Indianapolis in the early 2000's, after she had released two songs for superhero soundtracks: Die for You on the Fantastic Four soundtrack in 2005, along with Wonder for the Elektra soundtrack that same year. I was attending X-Fest as my first "big" concert experience the summer before I turned nineteen, hanging with my father and his wife (which was actually a lot cooler than it sounds.) We picked up some commemorative t-shirts that listed all of the artists intending to perform, and I noted the names that didn't sound familiar as we headed toward the second stage.

You know how big summer concerts go; the first half of the act on second stage, the crowd isn't as huge as it is for the headliner, but the music is usually good stuff you haven't discovered yet (unless you're more musically adventurous than I am) so it's always worth the time to check out. My father's a drummer in a local band and has played music nearly all his life, so he managed to instill that type of appreciation into me. Second stage performers, for me, are where the real magic happens, and magic came in the form of Megan McCauley that day.

I'll never forget watching her perform, thinking she seemed close to my own age yet more daring to be herself out in the open in a way I craved: rebellious style, artistic in a dark fashion, and singing her heart out about life. I listened to a song end, and she chuckled and said, "This next song is a very special song I wrote. It's called I'll Pay You to Shoot Him." A dramatic pause, then, "It's about my Daddy."

Then, with as much passion as she could muster, she belted out a song about offering money to an officer if he would kill her abusive father. Upon reading later interviews, I discovered that she had written the song from personal experience, having actually asked an officer to shoot him in exchange for payment, which furthered my fascination with her as a human being. If a teenage girl had that type of audacity, a type I'd never found myself capable of, then I wanted to drink in her experiences and songs.

The remainder of her set on stage wasn't quite enough for me, and her music became something I spent a great deal of time looking for on the internet. Luckily, in 2007, she released the album Better Than Blood so I finally had a hard copy of multiple songs I'd grown inspired by. I couldn't wait to pop in the disc and listen to every last tune.

Better Than Blood has multiple memorable, enjoyable songs, all of which deserve a mention for one reason or another. If you're a fan of alternative pop/rock, she just might be your undiscovered thrill as well!

Migraine

You're all the same

I'm way ashamed

Don't try to hide

With alibis

Can't take the blame

Fucked up your name

Please come inside

Never mind

How classically "early 2000s millennial angst" is this? Just the right amount. She was so back and forth, just like I was, disgusted but also unable to stop trying to reach out over and over. This was the first track on her debut album. It has an upbeat sound to emphasize just how much bounce and "all over the place" the written portion contains.

Fragile

I am fragile, but I'm strong enough

I am wanted, enemy number one

I am lying, cause I never fell

If you need me, follow me to hell

Coming in as the second song, this tune appealed for a few reasons: the difficulty of knowing you're strong while being weak, being loved and hated simultaneously, and accepting that you're just going to be the bad guy in the end either way. That kind of concept is easily relatable among the tired and broken who just don't want to fight the image others are giving them anymore. The sound has a high pace without being as energetic as the first song.

Wrong Way Out

Think I could have stayed with you...

Instead I took the wrong way out

I did no wrong until now

I can only see what I'm meant to see

When it comes 'round

Instead of breaking myself down

I took the wrong way out

Painfully obvious statement: these lyrics are extremely relatable. While the song specifically references a relationship, this is an applicable concept across multiple situations where taking the wrong way out was the painful outcome in the end (and really, don't we all interpret lyrics in our own way?) What a way to feel seen. This song was one of the slower types on the album, matching the mood of the lyrics beautifully.

Reverie

I can't find my way anymore

And I

Cannot heal the wounds I've created

And I can't let go

Of what's killing me

Falling from this edge

I am lost to all I know

Slow pace, a powerful voice, magical piano, and painful lyrics combine to create the melancholy tune of Reverie. The lyrics speak for themselves, but it's a song that can strike the soul when it feels at most unrest. You know that need we all have to be understood through music when our feelings are at their most powerful? This song was always one of those songs I played to feel my pain through someone else's art so I didn't feel alone.

Tap That

I know you wanna talk to me

Just tell me what you wanna see

And maybe we can do something

That sometimes leads to other things

And yeah I kinda want that

Show me all about that

Show me you got what it takes to come with me and do it tonight

So, it's obvious that the tone of this song is a drastic change from the last one. The music is fast, peppy, and the lyrics are dirty. Of course I love this, because it's playful and it works for my personality, but the entire sound is very "pop" and not so much alternative or rock in any form. I enjoy Megan's jump for something so invigorating and somewhat off-topic, but it almost felt like a strange pause in the flow of the album. On its own, it's fantastic, but admittedly I tend to skip it when I'm in the mood for the whole album. You be the judge, though! It has potential all on its own.

Wonder

When breathing's a burden we all have to bear

And trust is one thing we're taught never to share

Somehow you just seem to shine

When loving means breaking and saying goodbye

And I can't help but wonder what it is you do

You help heal the pain, and the thoughts of the truth

You're a question to the universe, a wonder to the world

And somehow, when I'm with you, I never get burned

Also appearing on the Elektra soundtrack, Wonder returns on Better Than Blood to be enjoyed once again. It's another slower tune with passionate singing straight from the heart that talks about an actually positive romance. Since most emotional songs tend to hit the worst of ourselves, this comes as a nice lift after Tap That covers the physical aspect of many relationships.

I Realize

And I realize, that I've lost my mind

And I realize, that I am the lie

It's over, my time to shine

I'm already dead, so why can't I die?

This hit me on a poetic level. At the time this album was released, I wasn't at my best emotionally (I guess you could have surmised as much from my current exuberance about the relatability factor) so the lyric about already being dead hit home with me. The song isn't quite as slow as Reverie but slow-paced enough to highlight just how exhausting it is to be alive sometimes. If you need a song that just gets it, this is it, and it doesn't overwork the emotions too much.

See Through

And my visions are undeniable

And the words you speak are so undefiable

You're a drug, you're just so incomparable

And you're the only thing I can do

I'm see through

If you're a human being who has ever been attracted to someone, this song will speak to you. Not overly complicated in emotions or sound, it simply speaks to the heart in a gentle way. It's soothing, slow, and Megan sings it to correspond with such a message.

Come to Me

I believe in how the past can never be undone

And I believe that now, if I hold you, you can see the sun

And I believe it now, in the future you'll let me inside

All it takes is time to see

All you need is room to breathe

I can feel it through my mind

Now all you need is me

Though romantically charged, I actually love this song as one to apply to relationships of all kinds that mean a lot to you. Megan sings with more power in this song which stands out beautifully against the musical tones; the sound is whimsical, playful, and pretty, but the words contain the feeling, and I love that combination. Unfortunately, it's already the eighth of eleven songs on the album, so we're quickly coming to an end of the enjoyment.

Porcelain Doll

If I sit here waiting to be wanted

Something good will pass me by

Many people look through the windows

But seldom do they ever look into my eyes

Why doesn't anyone stay here?

Why do they leave me?

Don't they realize I'm a porcelain doll?

Fragile, helpless, unwanted

Breakable

I always heard this song as her tribute to a soulful Blues piano solo, but I'm not sure if that was her intention. The piano intro, the way she sang the song so slowly yet so powerfully, the pain in the lyrics...it felt like it was possibly her take on a strongly influential genre of music. Whether that was her influence or not, the song struck me and as someone who enjoys piano music in general, the music behind the lyrics complemented the words strikingly so.

I'll Pay You to Shoot Him

Officer, what will you do?

Officer, I'll pay you...

I'll pay you to shoot him now

I will you pay you to take him out

I will pay you to shoot him now

I'll pay you to blow his brains out

Last but certainly not least, the memorable song that made me love her: I'll Pay You to Shoot Him. There aren't many people who can excuse an abuser, and Megan's teenage angst and determination to get him away from her and her mother come out in this powerful and even charming (yes, charming) song. When she sings the last line quoted above, her voice becomes overwhelmingly sugared up, adding a touch of her own smart mouthed response to her father's loss being meaningless to her. It's a beautifully crafted retort to horrible fathers everywhere. Whether you have a father like this or not, it's a great song to enjoy should you happen to be very anti-abuse.

Megan McCauley was an early 2000s obsession for me: the musical embodiment of my pain, love, happiness, and feisty side that I wore in comforting energy shawls over my shoulders. These were the songs that inspired my need to be understood, and while a lot of them don't apply anymore, I'll never stop loving returning to her songs to remember what I've overcome. That is what continues to make her special for me. Maybe you'll find a reason for her to be special for you, too.

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