Decisions, Decisions

So, what's it going to be? A rap club, or a rock club? Well, obviously, it all depends on how you feel at the time. Oh, and don't worry about your friends Jack, Johnny, James, Jose and the rest of the gang, they've already R.S.V.P’d for both clubs, so you’re good. If you care less about rhythm and more about punching the air and dancing around like a voodoo witch doctor hopped up on coke, then a rock club is for you. If you’re more of a rhythm person, but you want to conserve your energy for the fight that will inevitably break out less than five feet away from you, then your best bet would be a rap club.

Need to release some steam because your boss dropped a three-foot stack of reports on your desk with a note that reads, "Have done by Friday," and that was on Thursday? Then either club will do. It just so happens that one of the most famous psychiatrists, Dr. Mary Jane, has offices in both locations and always has an open-door policy. Thinking of entering a violent circle of elbows, fists and aggressive shoving in the back with the option to buy out by cautiously crawling away? Then a rock club is right up your alley. But, you wanna make sure you're getting the right package deal, because the three-foot stack of reports that you got on Thursday didn't get finished until nine o'clock Saturday morning. Which meant that you had to use a wet paper towel and the gritty, chalky, orange scented soap found only in the janitor's closet to wash up with. No... tonight, you want the fully loaded, balls to the wall, life threatening package deal, that includes spontaneous fights, furniture and bottles flying through the air, and best of all, the mad dash to your car through a hailstorm of bullets that upon exit from the gun, decides to end the life of the young lady next to you, instead it's intended target. OR... or... you can opt for package B, which starts at the back of the line for the bar, which is damn near as long as the line to get in, followed by an all-access pass to the limb flailing, counter clockwise spinning, enter at your own risk choosing, sticky from all the beer and vomit, dance floor. It is here that members get to be free and lose themselves... or their teeth... or a pint of blood. Members will also receive their very own, one size fits all, eighteen-inch subwoofer to stick their heads into, because hey, sometimes the volume just doesn't go all the way to eleven. But wait, there's more. Rock clubers will also have access to a wide range of mind-altering drugs, like ecstasy, shrooms and whippets. Hell, we'll even throw in fentanyl because we care about your experience.

Do you feel like dressing up or dressing down? Well, that also depends. If it's a rap club then you dress up; And by dressing up, I don't mean imported 100% cotton Armani suits and Stacy Adams. I mean having on a clean pair of shoes. Jordan’s, or Air Force Ones will work fine. Not the ones that you peel off by stomping on the back of each one while pulling out your foot, aiming at a specific spot, then kicking them one at a time across the room. I'm talking about the ones that you unlace individually, putting them together like praying hands and gently setting them down, inside of a shoebox, in the closet. If rock is what you’re feeling, then by all means throw on the most kicked, scuffed, stomped, burnt, and drawn on pair of Chuck Taylors you have. The more beat up, the better.

The same can be said for the jeans. Although recent studies have shown that skinny jeans can be worn at both rock and rap clubs. However, the condition of the jeans for a rock club must match, or be in close proximity to the condition of the shoes. Although sagging IS optional, it is recommended for both venues but there is a rule. If it's a rap club, you must show ALL of your ass cheeks. I'm talking full moon here, people. It also requires that you wear a device called a belt, which coincidentally was designed to prevent just that sort of thing from happening. The belt must be tight enough to keep the pants above the knees; Somewhere just above the mid-thigh region. After all, having your pants at or below the knees, would just look ridiculous. Am I right?

T-shirts are a must. But what kind of t-shirt? And how big or small should it be? Well, it's simple. Rock clubs require smaller t-shirts with any kind of death metal or grunge band engraved on them. The scarier the better. And they must stop right at the hip bone. It is imperative that the entire belly region is shown when stretching. When you get tired of thrashing your long semi-dreaded head around, we need to see all of your dirty, cigarette scarred belly while you’re pulling your hair into a ponytail. If we happen to get a nipple shot, then it's obvious that you're a pro.

Rap clubs are the exact opposite. The t-shirts must be plain white, have no logos on them and have a minimum of three x's printed on the tag. If the bottom of the shirt reaches mid-thigh and you can still see the back pockets on the jeans, then you are what society refers to as a fashionista. Yes, all you need is to follow these simple guidelines and your night will undoubtedly be kick ass… or crackin… depending on the venue, of course.