'All My Troubles'

I'm not perfect, but I don't really think being perfect makes for very good songs anyway. I always get my best inspiration when I'm feeling some sort of way, especially if I'm angry, sad, or frustrated with a situation, with myself, or another person. And in the case of this song it was all of the above. I wrote this song in probably ten minutes; and if you ask any other songwriter that's usually the time frame of either genius or disaster, but I'll let you be the judge of that. The day this song poured out of me like warm molten lava from a volcano, it was extremely cathartic. I sat down on my cloud bed (yes, that's right, my bed feels like a cloud) with my guitar, pen, and my journal, and I wasn't really upset in that moment, but I had been thinking about myself and my past, and how I'd gotten to where I was at that moment. And then it hit me. I'm human, I make mistakes, and I'm not perfect; And that includes my relationships, and my stupid choices with questionable characters. I often question my own character, and I'm definitely not an angel. But, that doesn't mean I deserve or anyone else deserves to be treated less than, because of their mistakes. And that's where the lines, "If I turn myself inside out; Bare my soul for all to judge me now; You would see, I'm far from an angel baby; I make promises I can't keep; I want to make love instead of breathing." come from. I was never afraid to jump, but always afraid once I was in the water... of the unknown consequences looming in the darkness. I've always associated love with sex. That's how I thought you were supposed to receive love. And when I wanted to feel love, that's what I sought out in my relationships. It wasn't about finding a 'soul mate' although I craved that so desperately (and I still crave that type of dreamy connection). I convinced myself that's what it was; but it was never about love for the other person. But, also for me I think it was more of wanting to feel wanted. To feel accepted, and to feel enough. And that was definitely my first mistake growing up. And where I firmly believe 'all my troubles began... at 15 at a homecoming with a boy I thought I loved. Let's call him Toby. I met Toby the summer before my Sophomore year of High School through a friend when I worked at a skating rink in my home town. She was dating one of his friends and Toby was tagging along one night. Afterwards we went to this old lot that had a bunch of sand dunes and goofed off for a while and talked. I was very green to dating, never even kissed a boy and I was just super excited to have someone interested in what I had to say. Someone who was completely different from me in every way. I was really into punk rock and emo and wore a lot of black then (I still wear black and listen to emo haha) and went to an Arts High School (for creative writing). He was really preppy and was on the baseball team at his Private School. We went on a few dates after that, normal things like bowling with a group and the movies. A couple months later he asked me to his homecoming, and that's when I met his first girlfriend, who wasn't yet over him. And she was a cheerleader. His school was really small so everyone knew everyone, and I was the odd one out in more ways then one. I wasn't into sports, I didn't listen to rap, and I hated heels. I was so uncomfortable. He had been pressuring me to give it up to him for a while; we had been together 6 months; he also told me that he only did it with virgins, and my insecure, naïve little head didn't see anything wrong with that. But, despite everything, I thought he loved me, and I thought he was worth the beginning of a long and crazy journey of discovering my own worth. We ended things a couple months after that because his ex kept texting me mean and awful things from his phone (like she was going to tell my father that I had sex) and I just couldn't handle it anymore. I kind of became a little depressed and withdrawn after that. I wrote a lot of sad poems and stories and let my grades slip. But, I ended up meeting a really nice boy who started working at the rink, and (again using a boy to validate my happiness) I thought I was 'whole' again. The lines, "I want to feel even if it's pain," I think are my favorite out of the whole song, because it's so true. When you're hurting you want nothing more then to numb yourself in any way possible. But, I think actually owning up to those feelings, staring them in the face and saying, "I'm not afraid of you," and letting yourself really feel it, and consume it, and understand it completely; that's when you start to heal. "I've got my scars no ones ever seen; Yeah, I'm real good, I'm real good at hiding my shame; I'll be the first to smile, and say everything's okay; Then I'll leave you before you can walk away" — I'm always the first to say goodbye, the first to push people away, and the first to run away when things get hard. For the first time ever in my life, I've been in a relationship longer than 4-6 months. I really have no idea what I've done differently with this one other than not ending it when I really should have. I can tell that this one (we'll call him Nick) really does care for me, but he has some scars too, and not just metaphorically; he almost lost his life in a motorcycle accident a few years ago, and maybe I just feel compassion for him. More than I've ever felt before. It hasn't been easy, though. Nick has had some trouble with the law, and I have no idea why that didn't scare me away, either. Maybe because I'm in my 30s now, and he's 26 and makes me feel young. Or maybe it's because I'm in my 30s now and I'm afraid of being alone. We're always haunted by our mistakes, the ghosts of our tribulations constantly floating in the back of our minds, and our hearts. But, in the end they're what shape you, make you grow, and learn, and able to conquer the next misadventure, loss, or struggle. You are strong, you are loved, you are worthy, and you are enough.