do you feel the wind rush through your body?
Please do not read if you feel like you may have a negative reaction to reading about mental illness.
and it is and always has been the little things that get us through to the next breath. it is the bird songs and the taste of wine and the way the wind feels when you stick your hand out the car window. the little things will carry us until we are able to carry them in our hearts. we will be able to love them as much as the warmth of a campfire loves you. as much as the sea longs for your attention. and we will become one with the things that bring us sanity and peace and, above all, the feeling of true happiness. the little things will get us there. they will take us to that spot in the sky we dream of when we cannot even fathom dreaming at all. the sway of the trees, the glow of the stars, the slow rocking of the swinging bench at the house on the beach. it is all here so that one day we may feel the weight of all the worlds we carry, lift right off of our shoulders. and i need that. so i will dream and write and laugh and sing until one day it is all i know.
i sit and hold my knees to my chest, which somehow keeps my body from falling apart, starting with tears and then my heart.
Hi friends! I hope your December has begun with all the holiday classics like candy canes and snow! My December started out with a visit to my family’s favorite Christmas tree farm, that we’ve been visiting annually for as long as I can remember. It’s called Hillside Tree Farm in Bonney Lake, Washington and it’s probably one of my favorite places on earth. Ever since my brother and I were little we’ve had a fascination with trying to take as many of the delicious Sweet Stripes mints they hand out there as we can (I won this year, as my brother seems to now think he’s better than stealing candy from a tree farm). Per our yearly tradition, after we’ve found our perfect tree, my mom and I will then walk over to the stand that gives out free scalding cups of cocoa or cider (and more mints) and then we’ll stand by the large fire pit being tended throughout the day. Then, my dad will drive up with the tree tied to his truck and away we go!
I am not okay. I go through periods where I am basically pretending I am alright, but the reality is I am absolutely overwhelmed by my mental illnesses, and have been feeling smothered by a weighted blanket of depression lately. Everything is fogged up in my head and my thoughts run together so fast, and memories are distorted and I feel poisoned. I don’t know what to do. I have been trying so hard for so long to keep living, but it’s getting too heavy of a burden for me. I just want to sleep forever in my hazy, misty mess of dreams. Dreams that will never see reality because something in the universe does not want me to succeed. Something does not want me to create. I feel so much and so little at the same time. I just want to be erased.