As you can pretty much tell from the title, I am a big woman. I like to consider myself just to be a BBW, which stands for Big Beautiful Woman. But if you have ever been on urban dictionary, I would be considered an SSBBW which simply means Super-Sized Big Beautiful Woman since I weigh over 400 pounds. No, that was not a typo, it is truth. When I was younger, I never imagined that I would get this big. But when you grow up and you don’t really feel loved, you turn to things to comfort you. Since I did not have anything to really comfort me, especially after my grandfather passed, I turned to food. When I was eating, I wasn’t thinking about pain, loneliness, and how empty I felt inside. I did what all fat people do, I ate my feelings and I never exercised. I just kept getting bigger and bigger. In spite of what others may think, I wear my size boldly and with confidence!
“A daughter is just a little girl who grows up to be your best friend.” Well, that wasn’t true for my mother and I. I always knew that my mother loved me. She did after all raise me to be the smart, beautiful, strong, and amazing woman that I am today. However, I never had a close relationship with my mother. I am my mother’s only biological daughter. But when she met my father, he had two children, a son and a daughter. When I was born, my mom wanted to make sure that I had a relationship with my older siblings no matter how far away they were. She took in my siblings and cared for them like they were her own. She was always good at that. She always looked out for people and she was always someone that people could depend on. I got that trait from her. But there were a lot of other things that I did not get from her, such as her affection and attention. She gave most of that to my sister. This made me envious of my older sister and as you can imagine, it put a strain on us growing closer. We didn’t get to be each other's best friends as sisters are supposed to be. Instead, I grew up hating her because she had my mother wrapped around her finger. Even to this day, my sister and my mother are closer than I am with either one of them. My sister and I’s relationship did get better. I started to feel like I could go to her and confide in her. My sister is the only relative that I have that I have ever told about my suicidal thoughts. Who knows if she ever told anyone but she was the only person that I was close to at that difficult point in my life.
I want to find whoever came up with these double standards and kick them where the sun doesn’t shine. There are double standards when it comes to men and women, the races, employment, and dare I say it, racism. Since Donald Trump became the president of the United States, more and more people are letting their racism and bigotry just hang out like laundry on the clothesline. We all knew racism existed but when African Americans were given more rights and were actually treated like human beings, those bigots and racists didn’t just disappear. That type of thing doesn’t just go away. It just gets buried and hidden so that it can’t be seen. When Trump was elected, he gave those people back their voices. Suddenly, it became okay to compare someone to the Planet of the Apes. Trump has, without a doubt, set this country back because he was so dead set on reversing and undoing everything that President Obama had done to make this country great. I will never understand how protecting and preserving health care coverage for Americans is a bad thing. But when you are used to people going without and having less, seeing them gaining access to a better quality of life will burn you up inside. Just as I suspect that it did for Trump and all of his supporters.
It has taken me a long time to realize that the love that you give in this world, will not always be the love that you receive. I have constantly learned that lesson throughout my twenty-six years of life on this earth. I have learned it from my parents, my siblings, my friends, and especially from relationships. I have also learned that lesson from the companies that I have worked for. It wasn’t until I graduated from high school and my closest friend sent me a text that said “I don’t need you anymore.” Talk about crushing someone’s heart. I knew that we would be going in separate directions but I had no idea that we would no longer need each other. Or should I say that she wouldn’t need me. As I went off to college, I realized that I didn’t really have as many real friends as I thought, although I got along with and talked to everybody. So I turned to dating, which is something that I had not done much of. This comes from being sheltered. I never got out much. I always spent my time at home or with my parents. If I went out with my friends, it was maybe once a month. When I started to date, I realized just how much men could lie and how every single one of them were sex-crazed. The very few men that I have given my heart to have yet to hold onto it. When I found a relationship that I actually thought was worth it, I realized that I was the giver. Which isn't surprising because I was the giver in all of my friendships and you see how that worked out for me. I would always give more to people than I got back. My time, attention, love, thoughts, effort, and on very very few occasions, money.
Somebody, anybody, please well me why it has to be so hard? Finding a job even entry level to begin my career is probably going to be the death of me. I graduated from college in 2015 with a Bachelor's Degree in healthcare administration. No one told me that it would be so difficult to find a job, let alone an internship, once I was done. But then again, no one told me how quickly the people would be begin to call wanting to know when and how you would be paying back student loans. When I was in high school, the guidance counselor stressed us so hard about preparing for college. My high school was a preparatory academy so not going to college was not an option for the students that attended. Even if it was a community college. They made sure that we had every option. They made sure that we were prepared for the SAT and ACT. They also made sure that we had numerous college representatives coming to speak to us. Everyone boasted about how great their campus was and what the school could do for you. I’m sure we have all been there. Ever noticed how they never speak about the cost or the chances of finding a job once you have completed your studies? They never spoke of it and my counselor also failed to mention that it would be extremely difficult to begin your career post-graduation. “College is going to be a great experience for you.” Wrong! My college experience was AWFUL! I exhibited the most depressive moments when I was at college. It wasn’t until I left the incredibly expensive four-year university and resumed my studies online that I felt some peace and comfort with the whole college experience.
In the summer of 2017, I was diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder. For years, I knew that something was off with me. Whenever something bad would happen in my life, I took it extremely hard. I would cry myself to sleep every night—and I don’t mean just a few tears,I mean crying like someone had broken my heart; literally snatched it from my chest and shattered it into a million pieces. I would also think of ways to end my own life. I always found myself utterly alone, even if I was surrounded by people. I always put on that fake smile and I even managed to work up some credible laughs to go with it. But when I was alone, I was in a dark state of mind. The only reason that I could come up with not to end my own life was the bible. The bible says that suicide is a sin. If I took my own life, all I could see was me burning in hell for eternity, which was exactly what I did not want. So I continued to suffer in silence until I just couldn’t anymore.