Growing up a brown girl in Astoria, Queens I never really felt like I fit in anywhere; on one hand I had my strict Bengali parents who forced their religion on me and demanded top grades in school and on the other I faced the peer pressure to assimilate with American culture and let go of the good girl image I put on at home. Though I couldn't change the color of my skin I still tried in vain to be as white as the kids I'd see on TV or in magazines because I thought that that's what it took to be liked by the other girls and boys in my class. It didn't help that I went to a Catholic school where there were only a handful of minorities and everyone turned a blind eye to any racist bullying. I was taunted for being different, for not being allowed to accept communion at church, or attend a birthday party or even a sleepover at a friend's house. It felt like the word fun didn't exist in my parents' vocabulary and home was like a dungeon I was trapped in.
So the frozen embryo transfer (FET) happened today. I'm not quite sure how to process this yet; there are so many feelings welling up inside of me that I don't know if I should be ecstatic and hopeful or hide under the covers until it's all over. I think I'm somewhere in between those two extremes right now to be honest. A friend of mine who's been in my shoes more than once told me that for her the hardest part was waiting those 2 weeks to find out whether or not implantation was successful. My doctor told me to think of this window of uncertainty as a little vacation but how can I relax with all these fears and doubts in my head? I thought that maybe writing it all down would help so that some day, even if things don't go as planned, I can look back on this time with a better sense of appreciation for what I endured.