I'm a 38 year single woman who writes from a passionate place of love and life.
I felt a chill run slowly down my spine and suddenly my eyes were wide open. What was going on? Where was I? As I slowly moved my eyes left to right, then right to left, I saw nothing. I feel my heart pounding—thump thump...thump thump...thump thump...I slowly crossed my arms, grasping each elbow with my hands and then slowly lowering by body to a squat. My body started to rock back and forth, back and forth, my lips shivering from the cold air surrounding me. Not wanting to yell, I slowly and cautiously uttered "Hello!" I could hear the sound echo, hello, hello, hello, softer and softer until it is gone. Again, I softly utter "hello" and I hear nothing but the echo of my very own "hello." I continue to rock back and forth, back and forth. I rock in this pitch black, very cold dwelling. It's so difficult to breathe (gasp, gasp). A sound *slam* my heart jumps to the noise and my body is now still. I hear footsteps and keys rattling, they sound so loud! I'm so scared. Fear of another sort. My eyes begin to fill with tears and palms become moist with sweat and the the worst, you stood there. You looked at me with those shallow, dark—almost black eyes. They seemed so empty. I am seeing you, that black-haired man with a mole next to his nose, a black mustache, and a body of disgrace. You stood there piercing me with a god forsaken look that could only come from a man full of sickness and evil. The lights flickering behind you allow me to see myself naked and alone. I hustle by body into a corner of the room, eagerly trying to shield myself from you. I can feel the cold that comes from such a soulless person. I screamed for her: "Mother," again and again I hear my own screams, "Mom," "Mama please." Where was she? How long would I have to be left here with you? "Mama please," "mom." Nothing. I was terrified, shaking, crying, my heart racing, my head down in between my hands, trying to hide from you. My heart is pounding, faster and faster, thump,thump,thump,thump,thump...You started to move towards me, I yelled as loud as I could "mama please," and then I awoke.
Our 1st Encounter
My body was a little shaky, but you approached me so confidently and immediately I was filled with a desire of interest. I had seen you with my friend, although it didn't feel right to be with you after her, I went for it, she persuaded me. I looked at you intensely, trying to see why so many had bragged about the way you had made them feel. So many others had spoken of their devotion to you, and that un-nerving need to always have you around. I too needed you, I grabbed you and took you in. I was feeling you for the first time, you had entered my body, immense feelings rushed from head to toe, every single cell in my body was feeling an unfamiliar pleasure almost unreal. The room in which we were in had once fully been lit, but now it seemed dark and a little chill, as all I could feel was you. It was an instant love for me, from that day on you knew as well as I did, no one could or would break us apart. You had made me feel alive, that part of me I needed to feel complete. My heart was pounding, my body full of sweat and shaking, although suddenly, my fears were no more. Every part of me took you in, you came in slow and took your time, making sure that my first time would be unforgettable. The room we made our sanctuary, a sacred place for you and I. I remember she watched but not for a second did I feel shy, I think I blocked her out altogether, I really didn't care who was there. The night came quickly and although morning was around the corner, I grew weary of having to let you go. But you promised me everything would work itself out! Promises~ Promises of always of being by my side, promises of healing the worst of all my pain, you promised to always put me first and never let me down. You promised in this walk of life I would not walk it alone, you said you would go with me to my grave, you promised you would be my light in my darkest time. I believed all your promises. What a night, strangers we were no more, every day, everywhere in front of anyone. I wasn't ashamed of you and you kept me on a high. Every day you made me find a new strength, you awoke new passions; you let me explore hidden traits I didn't know I had. A once, young girl afraid of the unknown, you had made a woman, strong and tall, unafraid of people's cynical ways and I now walked in a confidence that stood out far more than anyone in the crowd. I loved you and I was sure you loved me back, I was never going to let you go and I knew how bad you wanted me to hold on. I had finally found perfection in my life, a purpose, you became my strength, hope, endurance, confidence, loyalty and above anything else, you became my life. It was easy to tell I was deep in your hold; people suddenly were intrigued by me and why not? You gave me that confidence to show the talented, beautiful, desired woman who held her head high. One night with you and you altered all I would become, my morals, my common sense, all I had known was no longer what I knew. I was far more than just another one of your girls; no, you had truly made me your number one. Thirteen long years of complete loyalty between you and I, and I would settle for nothing less. And then suddenly, I awoke from this fairy tale fantasy relationship you allowed me to create in my mind. Something awoke deep within me, The fire I once felt you light had simmered and when the smoke started clearing I was finally able to see the real you. So why was I deceived and misled, manipulated and taken advantage of? You failed to mention to me in all your promises, that you would be making these same promises to others. You failed to tell me how the pain you promised to take away, you would one day replace even more. Or your promise to never let me down, oh that one you kept by being the one putting me there, making damn sure I felt the worst of all my pains. You had mentioned going to the grave with me, but you never mentioned how it would be you that would put me there. How only I wished we were still strangers, how much I regret that day we meet. I should have walked away, why didn't I stand my ground? You tainted my world, you tore me from my family and kids, robbing me of all my hopes and dreams. All you did was bring me broken promises I was misled in thinking you were something you were not. The life I chose to lead with you, was your reality never mine. How foolish of me to compromise who I am and naively fall victim to your ways. How could you do this to me? Why do I even ask! This is you, and your only purpose is to make people believe they need you as if they can’t live without you, willing to compromise who they are, just for you. You thrive off their need to have you, their dependency they rely on you fulfilling, becoming manipulated by your charm that they will go to any extent to have you. I have been struggling to stay away from you trying to restore whatever life I have left. I don't wish for anyone to come across you and blindly take part in what will ultimately become their biggest regret. So to what name do I refer you by as you go by many? A deceiver, manipulator, a con artist. Illusionist, a drug? Or those charming names I once ignorantly would say, my love, charming, perfect my other half, my way of life, my happiness. Those of you that have been caught in his twisted and sick ways, ask god to help you find way, far from something that stands for nothing. But for me your name will always remain as is... methamphetamine.
A fire burns within me, these flames you cannot tame Anger is its feeding source now where to place the blame It's all consuming it's fierce and wicked and very very mean