Their Dirty Little Secret: Part 1 Daddy Issue
With them it was always “if we get together you can’t tell anyone about us” it was never “let me take you out”, “let’s go to dinner and a movie” or just simply “let’s just hangout and see if we vibe” I was just the girl who the just wanted to have sex with until they found something better. Someone better than me. And it wasn’t that I had a reputation or giving it out for free because I wasn’t that type of girl I was just a girl who was cool to hang around with and who could make you laugh, who could listen to you and offer you support for your dreams or whatever you were going through but I was never good enough to be offered a date but mainly I was never good enough to be someone’s partner. Someone’s girlfriend. I guess it all starts with home. I was my father’s last baby out of two kids my brother and sister plus a bonus child my sister. I was a daddy’s little girl. He made me feel special with our out of town trips, ride arounds or simply watching tv together. But everything change when my father started cheating and my parents got a divorce when I was 12. My father was kicked out and thought it was a brilliant idea to “hurt” my mother was to abandon me for his whore not thinking that it would hurt me when I needed him the most. Being a 12 year old getting bullied and mentally, emotionally and rarely physical abuse both at home and at school plus being ignored by both dad and mom for their partners when they’re around really fucking suck for a kid and not being uplifted or given words of encouragement or love or to simply say “you are beautiful” “you are smart” “you are special because you are not meant to be like them you are meant to be you and you alone” I had none of that. And my siblings on my father’s side were on their own doing their own things while my sister on my mother’s side was not only taking care of me, but working to help pay bills with my mother bless that 16 year old’s heart. My father would spend time with me (once a month) and mostly with his whore Black Jelly Bean and as a child I found out how the word and feeling of HATE could go so deep, because I HATED her. I hated how she hurt my family, how she never encouraged my father to spend more time with me, how I was supposed to accept her with openly because she made my father happy. From then on I swear I would never be like her, I promise myself if I would not be a home wrecker, that I would not sleep with married men and that for me to continue to be friends with a man that I was friends with I would have to make friends with the wife. And if I did sleep with a man and he gets married I will no longer speak to him unless in front his wife or friends not alone. I am proud to say I’ve kept that promise and will continue to do so for as long as I live, because as a 25 year old regardless on how the world is today I still believe in marriage and still respect marriage. Before I became a sophomore in high school I dreamt of my father’s death and woke up crying , because I didn’t hate him nor wish him dead. The only two things I wished for to have my father and family back together. Less an a month I was given an assignment to read Tuesdays with Morrie an old man dying with ALS and here’s where life gets crazy a month into my sophomore year my father was diagnosed with ALS. In case no one knows what ALS is amyotrophic lateral sclerosis is a terminal disease A" means no. "Myo" refers to muscle, and "Trophic" means nourishment – "No muscle nourishment." When a muscle has no nourishment, it "atrophies" or wastes away. In other words your body is a candle and the flames is ALS slowly killing you taking away your ability to walk, to feed yourself with solid food, my driving and your muscles. It is one of the worst death sentence I have ever seen that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. To watch someone you love, who means the world to you despite how much they have hurt you die slowly is absolutely the worst feeling in the world and knowing that I was gonna lose him again this time forever was heartbreaking. So from the fall of 2011 to the summer of 2014 my mother and I along with friends and some family members took care of my father and his girlfriend aka Black Jelly Bean left his life and never came back. My father had the one woman who stood by his side through thick and thin, for better and for worst. My mother. She allowed him back into the home we all once shared and sacrifice and took care of him for me. I could never repay her for what she did for me even though sometimes we didn’t get along because at the end of the day she give me my family back. When he died I didn’t cry I felt numb, broken and more alone than I ever did in life. I felt pieces of me missing. I had lost another part of me. At the end of his funeral I cried so hard, because I now realized the truth my father was gone forever and I had to say goodbye. I was forever missing a piece of my heart. I was saying goodbye to him seeing graduate from college, him walking down the aisle, our father and daughter dance at my wedding and his first time holding his grandchild. I was saying goodbye to a little girl’s dream that would unfortunately not come true. To the young lady who needed her father that most I’m sorry that you were let down. I’m sorry that you had to experience your first heartbreak with your father. I’m sorry that in the next few years you will experience one of the worst pains that you will never forget. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel just keep fighting.