I am 20 years old. I am a college student. My goal is to become an influencer.I work very hard for what I have and I am working even harder to reach my goals. I want my voice heard in hopes of inspiring people of all ages around the world.
The world I once knew before is no more Everyday my heart grows heavy The weight of the toxic world piling on me My legs shaking as I push myself up to fight on
Do you ever have those moments where you want to scream, cry, or maybe just hide in a corner away from everyone? Cause me too. Do you ever cry so hard that it makes you so sick to your stomach? Or the heartache that is so great that it actually makes you clutch your chest as if your heart is actually breaking. Are you one of those friends that basically acts like the therapist for everyone and plays matchmaker but in return you get nothing? It is so tiring because in the end, when you need someone, they are nowhere to be found. You have no one to be your therapist. Like that one person you really liked, and you do everything you can to be there for them just so you can find out that they do not like you like that but wants to be close friends with you. And then when they finally solve their issue or get with that one person they want, then your job is done and all you can do is just sit there and be “happy” for them like a freakin cheerleader. I know it really sucks, doesn’t it? You want to be supportive and be a good friend for them but then your heart I screaming, "WHAT ABOUT ME!!". No one ever remembers me or how I feel about things. Most people would say that you should make a change or something but what can you really do? You do not want to upset someone or mess up someone’s relationship, but it also hurts so bad to just sit and act like everything is okay. It is so tiring to keep wearing this stupid mask but if you take it off, everyone will see the real side of you, and it is not all sunshine and rainbows. Let us not forget those moments where you find yourself falling for someone even though you are fully aware that they do not feel the same. You know they will not feel the same even before they tell you that they don't but because of the hard head you are, you fall anyways. So, when you end up hurt, who can you really blame? Only yourself. What were you expecting to happen? Oh, do not tell me. You thought you could somehow change the way they felt at some point. Is that it? You hoped that if you showed unconditional love, they would see that and somehow fall for you as well. That is a good try, but it rarely happens that way. I know this because I was the dummy who tried this multiple times. It is pointless to continuously give yourself to someone who is not doing the same for you. You are too valuable to put up with that type of stuff. But if you are like me, you feel as though that you have no choice but to settle for less. You get what you get and work with it. That I not how things should be though. Life really does suck, and it would be nice to just disappear. Do you know what I mean? Nowadays, the only thing you feel is sadness and depression. Obviously, we have small or big bursts of happiness here and there but at the end of the day, we are left with that same sad and empty feeling. This is just the reality we all live in. I know, it is terrible. This would lead one to ask, well what can we do to fix that? In all honesty, I am still trying to figure it out.
Life of Isolation
Just like everyone else in the world, I did not see this day coming. It is as if my surrounding went silent. This pandemic was taking the world by storm. Even though, going into quarantine would allow students like myself to get more rest and comfortably work from home, I still felt the dread of how different my life would be. It was at this moment when I realized how much we took our lives for granted. Anyone could have their life taken due to this pandemic if they did not take heed to the news that they received. The scariest thing that I had witnessed was how fast items in the store started to disappear. Items that did not seem so important, are now so difficult to come across. The world I once knew is no longer.
I would not say that I had too many traumatic experiences throughout my childhood. I was a very content child that enjoyed spending time with my friends and family. I loved going to school every day to learn something new. In my family, I often got spoiled by my parents, grandpa, aunts and uncles, and even family friends. I always felt safe and happy. During this time, my mom and dad did drink. My mother was an alcoholic, but she was always a good mother to me and my brother. She used to ask me to pray that one day she will stop drinking because she wanted to be better. I took what she said to heart and I prayed every night. However, that is beside the point. My mom and dad had quite a few close friends that often came around and hung out with us. My parents trusted these friends with everything because they were like family. Never once did we fear or suspect things of them. Little did we know, the people who are closest to you, are the very ones that can harm you. I learned that in 3rd grade and this is my story.
This Is Me
You did this to me!! You beat and tore me down until I gave up on myself. You made me hate myself by constantly reminding me of my flaws.