I'm a writer by trade, fitness-minded by choice, and a Viking by chance. I'm here to share my work and if you absolutely, cannot possibly imagine a world without it, please share a little love!
At the beginning of quarantine I was starting to lose my mind. An ambivert seriously lacking in extrovert activities was forcing me to hone in on introvert side of life. Now I don't know if i'll ever be able to go back. In an attempt to jumpstart my creative juices, I started writing Disney parody songs about quarantine. Enjoy!
As we floated down the swamp (because it wasn’t really a river yet) a butterfly hovered so close to my ear, I could hear the rapid thudding of its wings beating air into my skin. Later this magical occurrence would lose a bit of value when I found out it was a racist insect, but in that moment, I embraced yet another wonder of the world.
The Lake Around the Corner
There’s a creature that lives in the lake down the street from my house. No one believes me, but I know what I saw. They chalk it up to a vivid imagination, but how many times can you see something so colossally unreal, before you believe its reality? Apparently that argument makes me crazy, so I’ve stopped trying to convince people, but when swimmers go missing I cringe for their fate. Drowning, accidents or whatever else the police file it under, can’t hide the bite marks in the severed leg that washed up on the manmade beach last Tuesday. It’s angry. They angered it, but I’m one science fiction proclamation away from the nut house, so I bit back the truth.
11 Things That Happen When You're Tall
Being six-feet tall for most my life has come with its own set of challenges. After years of adolescent mockery and actively avoiding high heels, I’ve come to embrace and celebrate all 72 inches of me. But the road here was arduous and seemingly endless. So, my vertically-challenged friends, what is it like being the tall girl? I’m so glad you asked:
You can tell a lot about a person by their keys, arguably, everything you need to know. Some people have one car key, one house key, and absolutely zero exciting prospects in their lives. Others have countless keys, a couple reward cards, and maybe one ornate key chain in a pathetic attempt to convince themselves that they have a life outside their daily responsibilities. They’re frugal though, so at least there’s that. On the other side of the spectrum, you have those with no intension of facing adulthood and just pile on the decorative key chains that surround a lone key to god only knows what.
13 Things That’ll Save Your Sanity During Wedding Planning
Planning a wedding may be one of the most stressful undertakings of this lifetime. I hope you can learn from or at least laugh at my failures during this trying time. The wedding itself was damn near magical, the actual marriage was not as enchanting. If you find any of this useful, please consider donating a tip to my divorce relief fund
Secrets of the Chest
Shawna struggled to move her old Bombay chest up the walkway to her new home. It became almost comical to watch this tiny woman support the weight of this colossus dresser, pivoting the back legs forward inch by inch. She momentarily regretted investing in a property set so far back from the street and further back from its own driveway. But she persisted. Once safely behind closed doors, Shawna slowly collapsed down the chest. As she slid over its voluptuous curves, her fingers absentmindedly tracked what was left of the golden, vine-like inlay. They wrapped around the body, coddling the drawers in a natural embrace, falling over what was once a shimmering black lacquer. Though age had tarnished the finish, glimpses of elegance still peeked through.
Some Call it Baseless Fear
I can feel it again, that surge of dread that settles into the depths of my stomach until something unbelievably terrible finally happens. It happened only once before, but I was written off as “emotionally unstable” or some other made up bullshit people use to validate these unjustifiable feelings. Maybe it’s a worldwide anxiety, like the onset of World War III. I hope so. It would be much less painful if the entire global population was involved in this terror instead of it engulfing exclusively my world. That might offend some people. So be it. But I’d rather have the next world war than lose someone I love. If they implement the outdated mandate for a draft, I’ll simply gather up those eligible in my life and flee on a bus to Canada. I’ve always liked the snow; it makes it increasingly more difficult for zombies to attack you.
Crabby and Proud
Astrology is right up there with tarot cards and psychics- either you believe in it or you don’t. With all the beautifully insane things that happen in our world, I find it difficult to believe that life is simply black and white, right and wrong are always definitive, and magic is only for fairytales. Hi, I’m a Cancer and I’m crabby and proud.