Mariah Kelley
Stories (4/0)
Life
When I was really little my Mom left me with my Grandma and Grandpa so much I thought my Grandma was my Mom. I called her Mom and she would correct me, "No I'm not your Mom, I'm your Grandma." And once I was old enough to play by myself my Mom would always leave me by myself and she hardly ever interacted with me. Some people have fond memories of their Moms playing with them, or making lunch and eating together, or anything like that. I have memories of my Mom getting upset because I didn't get the bathroom spotlessly clean, or get all the laundry folded by myself fast enough. I remember being told to clean the kitchen and if I missed even one spoon I had to redo the whole kitchen. When I was about 6 is when my step-brother raped me, repeatedly over the course of several months. My father and grandfather had also molested me and done horrible things. My grandfather would walk around completely naked and force me to look at his penis. My Mom knew this sort of stuff was happening, and she knew Chris raped me, but for some reason she still let me go over there every other weekend. I remember having full-on panic attacks and complete breakdowns because I didn't want to go, but she'd make me. Chris raping me became a huge deal for many years, with people defending him, or saying he didn't rape me, or justifying what he did to me, or say that I'm making it all up. I have really clear, vivid memories of it, though. I went to a therapist about it for a while, but my Mom never wanted to put in the effort to take me. My Grandma would drive all the way out to make sure I made it to the sessions. I was really scared there and I remember the therapists getting frustrated because absolutely nothing they tried would get me to talk and tell them what happened. They could never get me to tell them how far he went and the full extent of what he did, and I never told them about what my Father and Grandfather did. I only ever talked to my Grandma about those things because she was the only person I ever felt comfortable talking to.
By Mariah Kelley5 years ago in Families
Panic Attacks and Triggers
Panic attacks are debilitating and can be humiliating to have others see. If you're around anyone else, you probably feel like they're staring at you and you're making a huge fool of yourself. All you want to do is curl up into a ball and disappear. And if it's your kids, you probably feel even worse. You feel like you're being a horrible mother, setting the worst example for them, and your mind is racing with every bad thing you could possibly think. But take a step back and breathe. Having a panic attack in front of your kids does NOT make you a horrible mother! It may seem like the worst thing ever, but you can and will get through it. Contrary to how it feels, it WILL be ok!
By Mariah Kelley5 years ago in Families
Motherhood with Mental Health
It's hard enough just being a mother, but being a mother with depression/anxiety is a whole other beast. You probably laugh when other moms complain about how hard they have it, while you think to yourself, "you don't have any clue how hard it can be!"
By Mariah Kelley5 years ago in Families
Trauma
I had been molested by my father and grandfather for as long as I could remember. My Father would kiss me in a way that made me extremely uncomfortable, he would do things like putting my foot in his mouth, he made me feel horribly uncomfortable all the time. My grandfather would walk around the house completely naked. His reasoning was that when he was little he had to have surgery and the whole time he was in the hospital he didn't have to wear clothes, and since then that's how he's most comfortable. He didn't care if I was there, or if my step-siblings were there, or if my cousins were there. And he knew I was uncomfortable and didn't like it. I would tell him that constantly and he would just say things like, "but you used to like looking at my penis" or he would tell me, again, about his reasoning for doing it. He never stopped when I asked him to. I also have vague memories of my grandfather making me extremely uncomfortable on car rides when he would come to pick me up, but I don't remember any more than that. I know there was a lot more that happened that I don't remember.
By Mariah Kelley5 years ago in Psyche