Undivided
I have been married for a decade now, and you think we would be in the same page most of the time. No. We fight more and more now than we ever have. Whether it be him not giving me a hand with our children, or it be me nagging about his video games. Either way it always lead to an argument. In all of the years we have been together I have always been completely honest with my feelings and what it takes to fix them. For example, a few years ago, I felt like he was absent from us even with his presence. Like he was always stuck inside a comic or something. This drew his attention away from me and our kids. He started out me telling him, “hey babe, can you spend a little more time with me and the kids and not your games?” Just as simple as that. I’d repeat almost verbatim that exact statement for a few days or even weeks. Until I would say it a tad louder than he likes. Then it would turn into a fight. Him always taking the victim way out of the argument. Putting words into my mouth. Then lashing out at me. Classic narcissism. Once I had enough, I would blow and tell him if he did not try to fix our issues then we would be done. I am not the kind of person to waste my time, or even to feel like I am wasting my time on something or even someone. We have gotten better, but here I am again feeling unloved, unwanted, and undesirable. And as usual I express these feelings to him and he automatically assumes sex will fix it. Or an “I’m sorry.” Seriously. I keep letting him know how I feel and I am just waiting to see if he will hear me before or after I explode. I do not like expressing myself in such a manner, but I am going blue in the face repeating myself. Holding my breath for when things will finally change. Perhaps it is just me. Perhaps I am the only person that feels this way. Stuck in between fighting for love or fighting for affection, when those two should come hand in hand. As a wife I should not have to fight for my husbands attention, I should not have to argue in order to get a point across. I should not have to put the entire 100% into a marriage. What happened to being equally divided, to support one another, to pick up your partner when they are down. Well, I am down. And it seems the only one that’s going to pick me up, is me. As I sit on my kitchen floor crying day after day of trying to carry my relationship. I do not know what to do. Should I keep going like this? Should I fight with him until he gets up and leaves? No one said marriage was easy, but it should not be this hard. It should not be one sided all of the time. I feel trapped by my love him and the pain that he causes me. How do I pick myself up from this? How do I fix something I did not even know was broken. He does not even know how I feel, and even when I tell him he does not hear me. I just need him to hear me. I just need him to acknowledge that I have feelings too. I need him to know how much he is killing me. I am breaking a part. I keep telling myself to stay strong. To believe it will work out. How long will it take? What will it take? I do not have anything left to give. I am done.
