Lori Dickson
Stories (4/0)
Changes
Anxiously, I paced back and forth in my den. I am distracted by a painting on the wall that I had painted years ago. Thinking how could I forget about me, and my family, and sit in the dark for so many years. Anxiety had taken all of the fun from my life. Every panic attack I struggle with day by day. My body shakes with fear and guilt. I question myself. "Why does this happen?" I decided everyday open the curtains up little by little and see the light. I need to fight. I need to be the person I use to be. Yes! Yes! Yes! But it's always no. That's what I always say, but will I be able to do it today? I stared at the curtains and lit another cigarette. I'm really contemplating what to do. Stop thinking and just open it, just a little crack. All of this is going through my head as I take another puff. I scream, "Stop it brain, just shut the hell up!" I'm tired now in a fight with myself. I left the room with my cigarette smoking in the ashtray. My body is shaking. Where is my medicine? I need to take it. My hands are fidgeting around in my purse. Finally, I find it without pouring everything out on the bed. OK, now I have to wait for a few minutes and I will stop shaking. I need to occupy my mind with something—anything. I could do laundry, but then I would have to wait for it to wash. And put it in the dryer. I could do the dishes, but everything is clean. I don't remember the last time I ate. I slipped down the wall, wrapping my arms around my head. I give up! I'm crying! I can't deal with my runaway mind. I look up and see a little mouse hiding under the hallway table. I sit and stare at it for a few minutes. Then it runs away. I think great, now my already falling apart house is infested with mice. The lights start to flicker. They are on the walls. I lay on the floor with my ear against the wall. I can hear you little bastards. I go to the kitchen and see if I can find some poison. All of my cabinets are filled with mouse poop. I gasped and cried at the sight. Looking down at the stove, more poop. All of my cereal ruined. Now, what do I do? I have no poison. And I have no car. It broke down two weeks ago. I run to get the broom and bleach. I swept everything out of my cabinets on to the floor. I filled the sink full of bleach and started cleaning. The lights are flickering again. Oh my gosh, the mice are in the walls eating the wires. How can I fix this? I'm all by myself. I have no family. I have no friends. I have the very little money that is my disability check. In the middle of bleach, I throw down my sponge and rip off my gloves. Puddles of bleach water with mouse poop floating around me. I run to the front door. Holding the doorknob, wanting to set me free. It's a struggle with the panic of the sunlight and the safety in the dark, but my dark sanctuary has been invaded by creatures. I have to think!!! Make my mind work. It's hard to concentrate on one thing. I still think about the laundry. I still think about how a warm bath will calm me down, but this will not fix the mouse poop floating in a river of bleach. Mashed potatoes flack cereal, taco seasoning, and bags of dry beans. I'm crying again holding the doorknob. "I need help," I mumble!!!! God, I pray for your help. By now my medicine has kicked in and I go upstairs and lay down, not looking forward to tomorrow.
By Lori Dickson5 years ago in Psyche
River of Darkness
My heart beats slower and slower each day. I'm burning, my veins are burning with the flow of pain that I feel. I'm used to nothing that feels better than this. I need someone to call me. I need someone to turn the light on. Why am I fighting for life when all I want is to disappear? Why do you hate me now? I'm on the wrong side of life and I keep coming back to the beginning. Where can I get off this ride? I just want to hide, I keep being lost deep inside this is not my life to play. I don't love myself and I don't need anybody else to love me. I'm feeling I'm alone, I'm screaming to you to please find me every day of my life. If my life is worth fighting for where is god to keep my head held high and don't keep my head down low? Hold me now when I need you the most don't let me down I want to rise like the river in your arms so don't let me drowned. I'm falling in the shadows, I'm tired of the battle. When the past runs to me, I live in the shadows of someone else, but part of me is here, sometimes I don't know what to say. I need to take a look around me to find something better each day. All I see is the dark around me. Light a match and start a fire inside me. I'm not learning anything from this. I guess I gotta learn how to let it go! I'm whispering with a glass of water in my hand, I'm falling and crashing breaking my glass on the floor. We're all just strangers in this world together, not knowing where we're going, or what we're doing. I am but one person standing on a rock floating in space.
By Lori Dickson5 years ago in Poets
My Painted Mind
The memories of life will destroy me. I ache with the thoughts of darkness that overwhelms me from within, consuming me from the heat of the sun, that tries to warm my heart. Do I see what is happening to me? Do I feel what's happening to me? I'm tangled by the wed of danger that's wraps my brain.
By Lori Dickson5 years ago in Poets