I’ve been deep in thought for some time now, thinking away like a clock ticks to the hour, yet through all of my thoughts, there has been no definitive answer. I’m searching for a resolution that I know does not exist. I’m holding out for some miraculous white steed to stumble through my door and save me from all of my fears. Thoughts, everywhere, half cut dreams, procrastinated ambitions, where do I cut the line through all the bullshit and find that one illuminated path to follow?
Bully? Or Bullied?
I have loads of regrets about my childhood, I know, I know, we would never expect a child to understand the repercussions of certain behaviours but let me just clarify what I mean. I have always been acutely shy. As a child I got a lot of unwanted attention, I did, and still do look like the life-sized model of a porcelain doll. My skin has always been extremely fair, and my hair has always been close to white. My mother dressed me in the most adorable outfits, so its no wonder that we couldn’t walk down the street without some strange random person speaking to us. I hated it, I hated it so much, I didn’t want to leave the house at all. I didn’t know how to handle social interactions or people in general, I just wanted to fade into the background, and I was pretty mute if I’m honest. I had a speech impediment, which is actually quite ironic now, as these days people tend to comment on how beautifully I pronounciate my words but it wasn’t always the case. I became so self-conscious about my speech that I would actually just hide behind whatever object was closeby and ignore whoever was speaking to me — How rude huh? I had always felt that I missed out on a lot of things due to my shyness, I had no friends growing up, and never really managed to fulfil any potential.
It’s the middle of January already, and I won’t lie, I am still trying to definitively wittle down my list of New Year goals. Let’s face it, last year was difficult for us all, and entering the new year was very different from the years that came before. Although, it may feel like the same old bad news day in, day out, I don’t think we should allow ourselves to feel deflated by our lack of oomph for 2021.
A cozy nomadic dream.
A dream is where I begin, a safe place, a cozy place, a place where the flowers are wild and the moon is fierce. My home is in my mind, my existence is just an existence, the dream of living the life I long for is what I hold closest to my heart. No atom, space nor time can compare. It’s the idea of a better life, the idea of any kind of life that reminds me of a little place I once knew, that will always be my cozy place.