An over educated blonde in fabulous shoes... but so much more. Comedian, author, podcaster and physical therapist. I can literally talk, write and discuss just about anything but if its funny I'm going to enjoy it so much more. Cheers!
Things Went Sideways
I hate first dates. Some people relish the prospect of meeting new people, making new connections and the possibility of a true love connection. Under my anecdotal, non-scientific observation these people are always extroverts. I’m an introvert, I like people who know me already. I like people whose stories I know and who know mine. I like relationships that are multi-layered, based on inside knowledge and a deep connection that is way beyond superficial. But, to get to this level of deep connection you must first meet people. Agh!
Only Read This If You’re Sexy
For as long as I can remember, I have loved trivia, all types of odd interesting mostly useless information. I was born in a time before the Internet and Snapple lids when trivial facts and silly informational tidbits were not so readily available. Trivia knowledge was only gleaned by reading the back of cereal boxes and from The Guinness Book of World Records. I implore you to look up how and why The Guinness Book of World Records came to be and how it got its name. Hint, yes it is named after THAT Guinness, there is a Sir Beaver involved and there is a reason why trivia and bars are simpatico. You will forever think of me when you think of any of these things. You are welcome.
Confession, I’m a people pleaser. If you come to my home I want you to feel pampered, and special. I will get favorite soap, beverage, food, etc.…whatever you like, if I can. I will play your favorite music. I will make your favorite dish. And I will accommodate all your dietary restrictions.
It All Works Out, Eventunally
I have traveled more than many, I suspect. Or I used to before the world broke in 2020. I have extreme wanderlust, so I am eternally grateful for the opportunities comedy has afforded me to see the world. I am not famous (yet, fingers still crossed) but I have been to 49 countries. And I have been pretty lucky with all my adventures. My luggage has only gone on a walk-about 3.5 times. And I have always gotten my suitcase back—eventually. The first time my luggage took the scenic route was the most upsetting. I was traveling to Edinburgh to do my one women show “I didn’t mean to be a Virgin in the 80s” at the Fringe Festival. (It’s still an adorable show that would make a great RomCom—hint hint investors). I packed my very important not easily replaced costume in my carry-on luggage – since it was vital to the entire show. Think about traveling with your wedding dress, same level of importance. Producing this show cost more than my wedding, no exaggeration. And I needed this dress for 28 days of performances, not just one day. So you can appreciate the importance of this outfit. A very unpleasant gate agent at American Airlines made me gate check my bag—stating it was too big. (I know for a fact having been on their website it met the regulation size. But if you have ever tired to argue with anyone at the gate—you will lose and get invited not to be on the flight. So I parted ways with my green dress and pink shoes with a sick knot in my gut. Our instincts always know. I arrived in Edinburgh without my very important piece of luggage. Apparently my costume wanted to go to Germany. I cried to the lost luggage agent, I was beyond upset. I spent thousands of dollars and hours preparing for this show, and now it’s on the brink of catastrophe My month long show run was going to start with a canceled opening night if that green dress didn’t find its way back to me in less than 10 hours. The lovely lady at British Airlines not only VIP’ed my lost bag, she attended the opening night and bought 3 friends. The Scottish are truly lovely people. I still get goose bumps thinking about her hard work and kindness on my behalf. The second time my luggage went on holiday without me was my first Middle East Military tour. I arrived to Djibouti, after a 47-hour travel day with nothing but the clothes on my back. Djibouti is in Africa in case you are not sure of the geography. At first, most people think it is a made up name, with all due respect, it is a funny sounding name in English. To give you some insight, Djibouti in August is about 120 degrees, that’s 9000 degrees Celsius, I’m pretty sure on the conversion. And it was in the middle of a sandstorm, weather that exfoliates---fantastic. Thankfully the military base had plenty of T-shirts to share and washing out my clothes each day was easy, because of the heat everything dries in less than an hour. But I had to perform in my travel shoes. I don’t fly wearing my CFM (Come F Me) shoes, not safe or practical. Why not just buy a new pair of shoes you think… I hear you judging me. Djibouti is a 3rd world country. There are no Nordstrom or DSW to pick up a new pair of “Laura shoes”. I was actually nervous about performing in my ‘travel shoes’ silly I know, but it is the first and only time in over 3000+ shows I was not in fancy shoes. FYI my bag went to Germany again, without me. My suitcase and I were reunited 3 days later at the airport as I left Djibouti. Ok, back to travel shoes. Since I fly more than most, I have done some reading on safety. Flying is still the safest mode of transportation. Don't believe me? Research it. Travel tips: You are supposed to wear long pants, closed toe shoes, with rubber soles, and sadly no high heels. Incase of an emergency the rubber sole will protect your feet from heat, ice, fire and/or debris. Long pants and enclosed footwear again protection from the elements if needed. I hope never to be in a plane emergency but I also don’t think it hurts to be prepared. I stated my luggage has been lost 3.5 times, because about 2 years ago on a trip home from NYC my bag was plucked up by accident by a big shot Hollywood agent type at baggage claim. Check the tags people! To his credit the bag is high end and in a distinctive color. I had never seen another one like it either. Which is why he absconded with my bag without looking at the tag. When his bag was left and mine was gone– I knew the problem. I could of involved the airline baggage authorities, but I think that would have complicated the issue. So I just called the number on the tag (a good reason to do this) and explained the situation. At first he did not believe me. “No one ever has a bag like mine.” He said. “Well I do and you have my stuff.” He made his limo driver pull over and he checked. Sure enough—voila- he had taken the wrong suitcase. Since he was already 20 minutes from LAX and on his way to an important meeting of course, he asked if I could wait 30 minutes and his driver would come back, return my bag and give me a ride home. Thirty minutes is a much quicker turn around time than dealing with lost luggage personnel and I got a ride home in limo—so I consider it a win. This last time my luggage and I parted ways was in London. I barely made the connecting flight from Amsterdam, so I knew my luggage had no chance. If you have ever traveled through Heathrow, you know that connecting flights and customs requires at LEAST an hour or more if you have to switch terminals, forget it. I had 35 minutes. I ran, I mean RAN like in the movies to make my connecting flight. Barely made it—I was the last person to board before closing the doors. I knew then that my luggage would be hanging out in London for the night while I flew to Seattle. Sure enough I arrived sans luggage. My case would be on the next flight from London arriving the next day about 5pm. Problem was I was performing at venue 4 hours from the airport and I only have the clothes I have been wearing the last two days and no show (CFM) shoes. I explained this to the lost luggage lady and she was unsure if the airline would cover what they considered to be a non-necessary expense. So on my drive north of Seattle I purchased what I thought were essentials for the next 24-hour plus hours, which included a pair of (CFM) Laura shoes. My luggage and I reunited 36 hours later, with a wheel missing—my luggage went on a wild ride. Thankfully, I was graciously reimbursed for all my necessary purchases including my new shoes. So thank you British Airlines for losing my luggage? That doesn’t seem right, but I do love my new shoes. So thank you. Why did they pay for new shoes you wonder? I asked the agent if a businessman was traveling and the airline had lost his suit needed for an important meeting would they cover the expense…I explained these shoes are my suit. She was savvy and understood. I can’t wait for the world to open up, so I can lose my luggage again.
How I Helped the Red Sox Win the World Series
When you think you are above reproach, life has a way of teaching you humility and perspective. I was barely 30 when they found a lump in my left breast. I was really too young and have no family history of breast cancer, so I blew off getting my first mammogram for a few months. I figured it was a cyst that would resolve on its own. Finally, my doctor who had found the lump called wondering why she had not seen any test results. She scolded me for being so nonchalant and shamed my carelessness. I was guilted into scheduling an appointment that day. I don’t want you to be concerned while reading this. This is not a story about me getting breast cancer but breast cancer is part of the story. I have never had breast cancer, so please sit back and relax into the story. Several weeks later—still convinced that this was a waste of time, I went to my first mammogram. I had heard horror stories for years about the boob panini machine and how painful it is to have your breasts pressed into a pancake. Honestly, it is not my favorite thing, wouldn't want to do it for hours but there are many many more painful things in life. Clearly these ladies have never had a baby, broken a bone, passed a kidney stone or had a guy try for anal sex. Not a comprehensive list, but you get the idea, I feel this procedure’s pain scale was exaggerated just a tad.