LA Dating Chronicles
LA Dating Chronicles is an honest account of the real-life struggles of a single female divorcee looking for love in Los Angeles. The blog is run by Ksenia Meiron. Follow me on IG: @kseniameiron.
The Mysterious Case of Dr. William Packman
An air of indescribable darkness prevailed in the Packmans’ home on the morning of February 5th, 1956. Martha Packman had never before heard her mother, Victoria, utter as earth-shattering a scream as she did then.
60 Orgasms in 40 Minutes
My first noteworthy post-divorce dating adventure happens with an irresistibly sexy, very eloquent, and endlessly charming Brit named Andy. He happens to satisfy my three fetishes for the opposite sex: squarish, ultra-masculine fingers; soccer bow-legs; and a low, raspy, radio-worthy voice. We do, however, have a somewhat awkward start to our first date when I obnoxiously dare to order food and Andy proclaims in overt surprise: “I thought we said DRINKS!”. Well, we did, but I happen to have an exceptionally high metabolism, am hungry most of the time, and was too busy chasing my preschooler all day to sit down and have a meal – can’t a girl eat? Andy does put his card down when the bill arrives, but makes sure to immediately declare to me: “NEXT TIME IT’S ON YOU, BABY!”. Despite this anti-chivalrous (and, according to my generous father, whom I eagerly share my exciting LA dating life with on a regular basis, downright revolting) act, the chemistry from the very beginning of our encounter is through-the-roof, to the point where by the end of the date Andy practically rapes me in front of the whole restaurant (yes, I’ve discovered that this can be done in America with no arrest involved!). He then fingers me in the alley on the way to my car, and also performs incredible cunnilingus on me right there in the parking lot. Definitely my hottest date night so far. We both admit to each other that we do not normally do this sort of thing on a first date, but the attraction is just too unbearable to hold back. Sex with Andy is mind-blowing. He actually succeeds in giving me my first ever deep, soul-stretching, earth-shaking, exclusively vaginal orgasm (I have always up until this point needed clitoral involvement). This quickly skyrockets to as many as 60 orgasms within a 40-minute session (and I’m not kidding). We sext about 100 times a day, and for a week I feel euphoric.
And My Dating Journey Begins
Let’s face it – being single sucks. No matter how many times I desperately try to convince myself that I need to find happiness alone BEFORE attracting Mr. Dream Guy into my already sufficiently joyful life, I unfailingly and repeatedly arrive at this same sad conclusion. As a fresh divorcée, I have the unfortunate naiveté to carelessly believe that I will find my perfect guy pretty much immediately after my divorce. All too quickly I realize it ain’t so easy to find him, especially with the newly developed, post-marriage-failure, persistent conviction that THIS time, I HAVE to get it right. So per my fellow solo female friend’s recommendation, I start reading Arielle Ford’s “The Soulmate Secret” – supposedly the go-to bible for single, lonely women such as myself. (Arielle claims she met her soulmate for the first time at age 44, poor woman). Sure enough, I get a little euphoric from all the inspirational Buddhist wisdom it offers. “Imagine you have already met your soulmate, make your soulmate list, and trust the universe will bring him to you. FEEEEEEEL what it would feel like to be with HIM (she calls this FEELINGIZATIONS). I follow her instructions as precisely as I can, but after slightly over-indulging with even my high-quality dildo gives me a nasty yeast infection, I start craving the real thing. And some human touch. “Set the table for two, make the bed for two”, Arielle says. Sorry Arielle, I am a full-time working single mom of a four-year old – I don’t have time to set the table and make the bed for an imaginary soulmate, and frankly just the idea of doing that kind of freaks me out.