I sit here today feeling accomplished and generally happy. I feel ambitious, positive, healthy and capable. Tomorrow may shine a different light on my life, so I close my eyes and tell myself to live in the moment. The impending doom that I try so hard to avoid every day will eventually make an appearance. It might not be today, tomorrow, or even a few weeks from now, but the feeling of being swallowed up by the whole world and sucked into a deep pit of despair will rear its evil head. I believe that acceptance and being aware of what that looks like before it consumes you is key to surviving this whirlwind of a disorder: BPD. Borderline Personality Disorder.
Waves of emotion crash into her like the impact of a car in a high speed chase when it smashes into a pole. Her ears are ringing, her mouth tastes metal-like, and she can't see straight; she's in a fog. The anxiety melts over her like hot candle wax dripping down the sides of the candle and onto the table top. She feels like she has been engulfed in a forest fire or drowned in a flood. Heart is beating fast, her body temperature is rising—she feels the heat waves rising up from her neck onto her face. Everything was fine she thought, but that can always change in a moment's notice. She is no stranger to the feeling of someone standing right on her chest, blocking her airways and making her swallow the clump in her throat. The painful emissions of her disdain can physically be felt in these moments. The pain creeps up throughout her body and triggers an episode of despair, depression and clouds her ability to think straight; never-mind love herself. This down swing she knows oh so well will always be back with a crash, but she lives for the moments where she can see the world with crystal clear vision. Not very often does she see the world with rose colored glasses, although she is content with just seeing it, feeling it, breathing it. Those moments of clarity where she can see herself and her surroundings without her overloaded, clouded brain interfering are magical. Few and far between these days, but worth every last drop of misery that she encounters on her journey.
Sunlight beams through the blinds onto her delicate face;
Tears stream down her cheeks
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder
For you, I would do anything;