I'm a human, I enjoy music, I talk to myself cause that's who I am. Mentally speaking my mind like to tell me many things. I wish I could be happy with what I do in life, but unfortunantely I have to be an adult. Someone save me.
At night is when the demons come out. Distractions during the day may keep them at bay, but at night is when the attempted slaughter of my mind occurs. Millions of unnecessary thoughts circle around and around. It will usually start off with thinking of something that may have happened earlier that day. With that it will continue to escalate further and further into a tornado. One thought goes to another which goes to another. It will finally come to the point where you don't think this life is worth it anymore. Sometimes you'll wish it was a bit easier. Unfortunately, it comes to the realization that it won't ever be. In that scenario, that's when the suicidal thoughts start sneaking in. Many images pass through the mind like a reel from a movie. Different scenarios occur of how I would do it. How it would happen. What people would think when it happened. It constantly goes all around my mind driving me crazy. The scary thing is if these thoughts will remain in my mind forever. Will it ever get better? Will it get worse? Will I be able to handle this if it gets worse. All of these unknowns can create worries that will start the cycle all over again until I pass out from exhaustion. During these episodes I try to think of positivity in my life that most people don't have. I'm aware that my life isn't as horrible as my mind tells me it is. It's really just getting past the superiority of my mind. It's something that is a constant battle. Fighting my brain with my heart. Some nights you win and some nights you lose. The real thing that keeps me here on Earth is the unknown. Also the love that I am fortunate enough to have from another person. If I left what would be next? What if there isn't an afterlife? What if there truly is nothing? Do I really want to waste the life I have for nothing? I try to understand the truth, that this is all in my mind. I try to realize that things in life can always get better. Even if there are bad times there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Even if it's so dark to see it, the light is there. You just can't give up trying to look for it. The world is full of hardships that we must all overcome. No matter how hopeless it may seem, if you work hard enough nothing is impossible. It's foolish to think that things will just go away. It's also silly to think things will get better without working hard to get somewhere. Never underestimate the tools you already have as well. Love is a powerful motivator in life. Love can make the impossible feel possible. I don't mean fake love either. I mean actual true love. You may not believe it's real or that it doesn't exist. For the longest time I thought true love was just a manufactured story of two people. Trust when I tell you that it's real and it is powerful. The motivation that come from love bring hope into your world. Unfortunately the bad thoughts are still there trying to haunt you, but having something like love to offset it is one of the greatest weapons you can have. Always remember that you'll never find what you're looking for in life by looking for it. Be patient and time will provide the answer and reward youve been seeking. It comes at the least expected times in our life because this is how our world works. Unknown futures all around us.
Inside the Deep Hold of the Mind
My mind it's a rather curious thing. Constant interactions with myself. This might make me sound crazy. Don't ponder on it too much, because I am crazy. I've come to terms with my mental illness these past few years. Just because I have a better grasp on how to control my mental illness does not mean I'm not crazy. If you were to look inside my mind and see the thousands of things that I think about on a daily basis, you too would agree with me. One good thing I can say about having these mental illnesses is that it has made me the person I am today. If anything it is made me become a stronger human being and much more patient and understanding.