It all happens so fucking fast. One minute you’re swimming through a fiery field of frantic forever agos and the next minute, that memory has been paved over and turned into a parking lot of endless hopes and dreams and open ended anythings. Every thought you ever had of “I can’t” or “I’m not worthy of any shining star placed in front of me” suddenly bursts like an atomic explosion of a million diamonds dancing across Lake Calhoun as the blooming sun shines intently through every crested wave. I can see the surface now and I pray to god that I don’t get tangled in the weeds again. Because, while an escape from the reality of the shoreline can be freeing, you’ll eventually run out of energy and sink to the murky bottom trying to find where it was you were running to in the first place.
It’s a helpless mind that wanders so completely that it cannot retrace steps or patterns. Events and places from my past seem to be fleeting back and forth between conscious enigma and the reality for which it was at the time. Every brilliant little speck of happiness, every impulse I long for is hiding somewhere out in the open, like a wild beast waiting for its hunter.
I find myself scared too often for no reason. I feel tears forming up in my eyes too many times for absolutely no reason at all. Maybe I remember something from years ago or my chronic deja vu pours a cup for communion and nostalgia throws it right back in my face, like so many girls should have. I was never really the outgoing type, even when I drank. Always too nervous to spark up the flame of conversation and that’s probably why I hate small talk, because I was never really good at it.