The first three days after Alice’s send-off, I spent mostly in bed crying. Those days were a blur, but I remember everyone being at my side during certain points. Not once during my deepest sadness did I ever feel alone, and it was unfamiliar in the best way. 

 But then, Leon promoted me, which caused a small argument. He had come to check on me, and I prepared some tea. He made idle chit-chat but when he sipped the tea he cleared his throat and looked at me. I could feel my eyes narrow as I suddenly became defensive.

“What?” I asked him, and Leon appeared to cringe slightly behind the cup he was holding. 

“What, what?” He asked innocently. I leaned back in my chair, sighing.

“You didn’t just come to check on me. I can tell.”

“Well, it’s just I’ve never promoted someone before. I tend to like working alone.”

“So do I. I’m the worst at teamwork and you’re choosing to promote me? To what?” I retorted, sipping my tea.

“Brave.” I nearly spit out the hot drink when he said this one simple word.

“I can’t be second-in-command of your unit, Leon,” I said, shaking my head.

“Why not?” He demanded, putting his cup down and leaning forward.

“It’s a clear conflict of interest, as we have been close. Do you know what people will say and accuse me of? And not to mention, I couldn’t even keep a little girl safe - on the way somewhere dangerous. I couldn’t even carry out one mission!” I spat at him angrily. “That kind of responsibility to be left to someone who isn’t a complete failure.”

“You’re not, Yuzuki. You were ambushed. You only had one death in that ambush, and that tells me I can trust you. And let me remind you, the only reason why Alice is gone is because she loved you, and was willing to put herself on the line to save your life. Kora, Nakita, Rachel, Ivan, and even that little shit, Elliot. They all respect you, and would still follow you. That is good leadership, Yuzuki.”

“I wasn’t leading anything! And the ONE person I was concerned with protecting still died, Leon!” I hit the table, tears spilling over my eyes, already sore from days of grieving.

“It wasn’t your fault, Yuzuki. And quite frankly, that aside, you’re the only one I want by my side as an equal. I won’t accept anyone else. So please, just accept the position.” He said this calmly, reaching over and pulling my hand into his, and I looked up at him. He had that expression on, the one I couldn’t ever argue with. So I sighed and agreed.

The promotion came with a living space much closer to him, so I spent the next few days furnishing my new space. I created a place for Alice in my living room. I had constructed a Japanese shrine cupboard. Instead of a name plaque, her Amaranth sat in the center, in a beautiful pink vase, that also held the dried bouquet of lavender she’d picked for me and I had had incense burning every moment I was home.

It was hard for me to imagine that I’d never get to see her smile again. Or hear her laugh. I found myself sitting down in front of her shrine, tears in my eyes as I firmly envisioned her within my mind. I would repeat her laughter in my imagination, her voice calling my name. Her big brown eyes and curls bounced as she ran to me. Perhaps it was romanticized in my mind, but I needed it. I needed to firmly remember her, to engrain her in my mind. I was, and still am, determined to never forget her in any way. Everyone left me alone for a few more days, which I was grateful for. I wanted to be left alone, to cope and recover. That day had been a failure, in many ways.

Before the funeral, CiCi had sent another group of warriors to the village that we had been headed to. When they found it, the miasma had been lingering there for so long it had nearly all dissipated. Not a soul was found alive. They said judging by the density of the miasma, they’d all been long gone before even our fight with the bat Tisin during the dark hour.

On the fourth day of being shut into my house, kneeling in front of Alice’s shrine, my mind was consumed with this knowledge. My father had done that. He had killed that entire village, and by extension, killed Alice. I looked up at the Amaranth, anger boiling in the pit of my stomach. He would pay. I would not let him take any more lives. Not so easily.

 A large part of me knew that it wasn’t just about revenge for my small, beautiful little friend who I loved like a little sister. How many thousands of souls had my father already consumed? Existences are permanently erased. I lit another incense for Alice, leaving it in its holder, before bowing down and touching my head to the floor. And then I stood. The past few days I’d stayed there, full of grief and yearning. I had ingrained Alice deep within my mind, sealing her there in my heart tightly. Now, I was full of resolve. The anger that burned through me made my skin feel as if it were on fire.

I remember walking to the display I’d asked to be built for Estrakulius, and grabbing him from it. The jeweled hilt seemed to glitter, the blade humming loudly and glowing a brilliant purple as I pulled him partially from his beautiful scabbard. As if he were physically reflecting the anger deep within my soul.

There you are. You look much more like yourself now. I have missed you. Now, we have work to do, My Other. Let us end the creature who is causing so many to feel the loss that we have suffered.

His voice echoed softly in my head. The more I heard him, the more I realized his voice was beautiful. I slid him back into his sheath before going to my room and donning my new navy blue uniform and shoes. Exiting my new house I walked along the path to CiCi’s office. I looked straight ahead, the whispers and stares of those I passed seemed to bounce off of me as I walked.

When I reached her office, I opened the door without knocking. Clause and Leon were there, having a meeting between the three of them. They turned to me, both of them standing as I walked to the desk of the red-headed woman as she looked at me with her never faltering emerald gaze.

“Prepare for war,” I told her, in a stern voice that didn’t sound quite like my own. “The next time my father thinks to take the lives of innocents, he will find it won’t be worth the anguish we cause him.”

CiCi smiled and searched my face with her deep gaze. 

“We’ve been waiting for you.” She said softly before turning to Leon and Clause “Begin the preparations.” She said simply and the two men were gone swiftly from the room. Once we were alone, she came around the desk and took my arm in hers, leading me from it.

“We've got work to do. Malakaii told me you broke through to the second level of your Soulmate.” She said, looking at me expectantly, and nodded, though I frowned.

“I don’t remember much about it. Alice…” I paused here, for saying her name still caused a ripple of pain to flow through my chest. Swallowing the grief that threatened to consume me, I sat down. “Alice said that I had wings. But I do not really recall. It happened so fast.” I said.

“But your Soulmate talks to you freely now?”

“It’s easier, yes,” I answered, my free hand going down to stroke the jeweled hilt of Estrakulius.

“You’ll need to learn to trust yourself more, or you’ll never win against the Spiderbeast.” She said, sitting down next to me, and I frowned at her.

“What does this have to do with fighting my father?”

“So far you have been able to tap into your true potential only when you were in situations where you could not do anything more on your own. You are obstinate in your absolute refusal to depend on anyone or anything else. Including Estrakulius.”

“Isn’t Estrakulius a part of me? I have no problem depending on myself.” I retorted, impatience rising within me like the rising waters of a flood.

“And yet only in desperation are you able to call upon him, and it is usually him forcing his way through to you. That speaks volumes about how much you deny yourself. How little faith you have in yourself.” CiCi said softly. “Do you really want to face your father when you are only able to call upon your true potential when someone you care about is in danger or dying? Why does it have to wait until it’s too late for you to finally depend on someone else, or for your determination to break through?” Her tone was merciless. The insinuation tore at the wound in my soul, and I could hear the gasp of pain rip from me.

She was right of course. If only I had been more able to use Estrakulius, Alice might have still been alive. But in that moment the pain seared through me and I stood up from the couch, glaring at CiCi.

“You have not truly accepted the circumstances, Yuzuki. You are dead. In a world where part of your soul is a weapon, you must rely on yourself in that aspect.  Alice is gone. There is nothing you can do. She has been reborn somewhere. And this is the first time you have experienced losing someone you love. The difference between most people and you, is that you have the power to prevent something like that from happening again.”

“I know that!” I yelled, and she stood and wrapped her arms around me as I weakly leaned against her, fighting against the anger and grief in my heart.

“Knowing and accepting are completely different.” She said gently to me as she led me back to the couch and sat me down.

”What do you want me to do?” I asked angrily, looking up at her.

“That is what you need to figure out on your own. Being able to call for your Soulmate at will and being able to let him in to help is something you must figure out, and quickly.” She responded gently, her expression neutral and unwavering as she looked at me. I sighed, leaned back, and closed my eyes.

“My living life was full of death. Much of it caused by myself.” I muttered. CiCi sat down next to me, I could feel her weight move the couch slightly.

“This is not your living life.” She said, her tone light and I shook my head.

“I don’t know why I’m here CiCi. I shouldn’t be. I don’t deserve to be here. I killed so many. I don’t have to be the way I was, but I don’t deserve the kindness shown to me here. Alice… she reminded me of someone. She didn’t deserve what happened to her. And it was because of me. I am a death bringer.”

“What happens here is meant to be,” CiCi responded serenely.

“Why, though?” I opened my eyes, looking at her in frustration.

“Fate cannot be explained, child. We all control our own fate, but in a way, it’s all orchestrated by an unfathomable source. The future is going to happen, but you have to have the strength to make the choices to guide it.” She said, smiling. “It once frustrated me too. My anger at myself for not being strong enough, it took me a very long time to get over that.” She said chuckling.

“That doesn’t sound anything like you,” I said bluntly, raising my eyes at her, causing her to burst into laughter.

“But nonetheless, it’s true.” She said smiling. “Everything happens for a reason. Regardless if it’s to teach us a lesson, make us stronger, or help us move forward. So, what lesson will you make of this?” She asked, a curious look crossing her features.

“I don’t know,” I answered honestly and CiCi leaned forward, a small smile on her face.

“Perhaps you will learn to let go. This situation has much to do with your past. But you must learn to shed it. You cling to the memories of what you were. So perhaps it’s time to focus on what you will be. What you have always been buried under the oppression you’re so used to.”

I stared at her, suddenly feeling lighter. She was right. I was always punishing myself in some way. And it prevented me from becoming stronger. Clinging to the past like a miserable parasite. It kept me from saving Alice… but at the same time, it allowed her to move on to where she needed to be. Her soul had been pure, and it hadn’t belonged here either. With this realization, I stood up and nodded. And I did belong here. My father, that monster, would have come to Limbo and the destruction he caused here could have been much worse. If it weren’t for me who knew how to handle such a creature, someone who had lived with his monstrosities throughout life, they may not have known what to do. I knew his weaknesses. And I could redeem myself.

“I love this place. And I love everyone here.” I said softly, a mere whisper of fear. Love was a terrifying thing. It caused pain, fear, and worry. It was a weight of emotional responsibility. Something I’d never dealt with before. With this admission, I felt a resolve tighten in my heart. I would not let anyone obliterate my world again. Never again. CiCi smiled, pride crossing her features as she stood and went to her desk.

“And now you are ready to move forward. That was much easier than I thought it would be. Perhaps you are not as thick-headed as I thought.” She teased and I blinked in surprise, my mouth dropping.

“Yes, I am!” I protested, a feeling of amusement creeping through my heart. It was the lightest I felt in days. CiCi chuckled and waved her hand at me as she sat down at her desk.

“Don’t you have things to do or something? Stop distracting me from my work. Oh by the way. You’ll need to go to Clause and Leon, to tell them whatever little epiphany you must have had. They will be in the meeting room off of the Chieftain's Quarters making preparations.” She said in a casual voice while  her eyes were sparkling with laughter. I stood up and grinned at her, sending a little wave before hurrying out of the office.

I hurried through the military segment of the Warrior City to the meeting room that CiCi mentioned, entering calmly as Leon and Clause were pouring over a large board with chess pieces.

“But we still don’t even know where their lair is. The spot Yuzuki and I had found was empty when I sent scouts to check on the situation.” Leon was saying in a frustrated tone. “Limbo is very large, and even with the help of the South, East, and West cities we’ve only been able to cover a little bit of ground. Not to mention, he’s using the dark hours to hide most of his army.”

“You won’t need to find them. He will bring them to us.” I said coming to stand next to him, staring down at the board with figurines. I realized the figurines were detailed whittled pieces of CiCi, Leon, Clause, Malakaii, and myself. Clause stood up and came around the table, putting one of his giant chubby hands on my shoulder.

“Yuzu. I’m glad you’re here. And I am glad to see your spirits risen again.”

“I am sorry to have kept everyone waiting. Even my own Soulmate.” I said, reaching down and touching the hilt of Estrakulius once more. I felt a small vibration as I stroked the jewels as if he enjoyed the feeling of my fingers.

“You are here now,” Leon said gently, smiling at me with his ridiculously beautiful brown eyes. 

“We have work to do. I need to learn how to transform with Estrakulius before this battle occurs. I am willing to bet he’s already found me and is just biding his time until he’s ready. The best place to fight him and the horde he has will be here, in the city. We will have the home advantage.” I said touching the board and grinning as the image on the board went from green cast expanses to a detailed image of the Warrior City.

“But we have innocents here,” Clause said doubtfully.

“We train those who are willing to fight. The other cities are too far to safely transport those who cannot or will not. So we will place them all in the very center of the city. We will be a stronghold. And we will not allow the Tisin to breach through to them. All villages on the outskirts for several miles will need to be evacuated to us, or moved further out if they haven’t already. When the horde comes you will be sure they will be making a point to destroy everything in their path.” I told them looking at the board carefully.

“You really think he will come here, Yuzuki?” Leon asked, frowning. I looked up at the two men, my eyes narrowing seriously.

“He trained me all of my life. He’s very confident. Together our family, with him as our strategist, infiltrated many lord’s castles in our lifetime. We always killed our target and occasionally filled their ponds with blood along the way in and out. He will realize now, he can do things that before he could not. Ego and pride are fatal flaws that I came by honestly. He will be cocky because he knows he’s powerful and he has won every little strike he has set out on. His power grows, and so does his confidence. The villages, and the ambush on us. Right now, I am his target. And he will underestimate me.” I ran my finger along the outside of the image of the Warrior City. “So much so that he will not come to me himself first. I am willing to bet he will be sending a horde in a preemptive strike. This will be a test of our strength, to see if we are as weak as we have appeared to be to him until now. But I can bet he will be close by for the first attack. Watching from the shadows. He’s probably been watching for days, figuring out our wall’s weaknesses…”

I touched the center of the board and a purple dot appeared, where the civilians would be protected. I moved the figurines to different quadrants of the city.

“Clause, our defenses. We need to figure out how to protect the bottom layers of the city, basements and such. As it stands, they can burrow under our defenses.”

“Understood!” I nodded and looked up at Clause seriously.

“You’re lucky that no Tisin has realized before that it only protects the surface. But this Tisin is a strategist bred specifically for bloodshed. He will think of this weakness. We will need to bolster our defenses, and turn this place into a proper stronghold. But stealth is advised. Remember, he is watching.”

“I don’t think the city has ever been attacked like this since its foundation. No Tisin has ever managed to make an army like this. I’ll admit, that’s something we’ve never considered. The guard is just to keep the perimeter of the city safe.” Clause said, frowning.

“I am certain he will come here,” I answered. “He is building up power for something. I can only assume it’s to take the city, where he will gorge himself on souls and use the citizens like cattle.”

“How many Tisin do you think he will be sending Yuzuki? Something we cannot handle?” Leon asked.

“There are more Tisin than Spirit Warriors. We only have a few hundred here in this City. He has been amassing his victims since he got here, trapping them under his control. We will need to rally whatever civilians will fight and get them weapons. They will be stationed with all the other civilians. And this is just in case the city falls.” I sighed with regret.

“Do you think we will fall?” Leon asked quietly, and I looked up at them.

“I hope that we are clever and strong enough not to, but over-preparation is better than negligence. Things have changed. Until my father has been cleansed, this is a war.” I answered looking at them both solemnly. “But I promise you, he will attack soon, so we need to move fast. There needs to be more defenses, and we need to figure out a way to alert the people of the city to come to the middle if there is an attack. We need to do practice drills with them. Meanwhile, we need to double our guard, so that way at any time of an attack, we have at least half of the warriors on duty and armed. A larger force who can maintain defense until the rest of the warriors are able to join the fray will ensure victory.”

“This is all so new to us. I am glad we have you, lass.” Clause said. “I will begin defense preparations. Leon will handle the offense.” He said, before turning and exiting, heading to the research quadrant to speak with those who had designed the defense mechanisms on the outside of our great city.

“Do you think this will work?” Leon asked quietly once he was gone and I turned to the man who had been my teacher and friend since the beginning. 

“We will not fall without a fight,” I said simply. To be honest, I had no clue of the force my father had built. And I could only go on instinct, and think of counters to all the weaknesses my father had taught me of fortresses during my living life. He was more experienced than me, so I could only do my best to think of everything he might have attempted.

Leon walked to me, putting his hands on my shoulders and looking down at me. I  did not resist his touch as I usually might have.

“How are you feeling? Are you okay?” He asked softly, and I knew he was referring to Alice. I’d locked myself away for days in my mourning for her, and my anger at myself. I looked up at him and nodded.

“She died to protect me. I will not let it be in vain. I loved her very much, so I will honor her life with my own. I just needed a bit of time.” I explained. He smiled and leaned down, putting his forehead to mine.

“I am sorry for the loss of her. It may be selfish but I am so grateful for her sacrifice.” He whispered and I closed my eyes, hesitantly letting my arms wrap around Leon. “I love you, you know,” he said to me and I sighed softly. I knew. Just as I knew all along I’d loved the people here. But the love I was beginning to feel for Leon was different. I decided that love was complicated, and I wasn’t sure if I liked it in all honesty.

“I know. You know how I feel in return.” I responded a bit overwhelmed. I still felt pangs of sadness when Alice was mentioned, and yet my heart was fluttering with a nervous feeling I still was not familiar with. Leon groaned, lifting his head and pulling me close to him.

“Say it.” He demanded in a gentle voice and I could feel my cheeks heat as I looked up at him helplessly, feeling a pout tug at my lips. He smiled, his hands coming up to cup my cheeks, stepping forward. I stepped back, not sure how to react, until he backed me up against a wall, my hands going to his chest. I was aware of every flaw of my body in this moment. The heat of my checks, and the warmth his body radiated. I could feel my body trembling and my heart pounded violently in my chest, but his voice made me look up at him. It was almost as if I were experiencing this secondhand.

“Say it, Yuzuki,” he said softly and I could feel my bottom lip tremble, my heart thumping hard in my chest.

“Why?” I whispered, swallowing back as the hot tears burned my eyes. I couldn’t say it. Saying it would make things different. It would change it into a more terrifying experience. One where there would be more emotional responsibility, specifically to him.

“Because I need to hear it.” He said simply, a frustrated sigh leaving him as I looked up. “Because I need you to accept it. How am I supposed to continue this way? Things are dark and grim. And the more we continue forward the darker it seems to get. I want this small relief, small comfort. I want to know for sure that you feel the same way I do.” He begged and I took a trembling breath. Had I been being selfish in a way that I hadn’t realized? His voice was anguished, and pleading, as if my inability to say it hurt him.

I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the wall as I thought about his words. It would be cruel to keep denying it. It would only hurt us both. The moment he’d dedicated himself to teaching me, training me, and supporting me I knew our friendship was going to be different. And even if it meant a terrible weight of responsibility I had no understanding of, I wanted to do this. CiCi had just finished lecturing me about how I could not keep hiding inside of myself.

“I love you.” I told him in a soft terrified voice, and a small laugh escaped him before I felt his lips against mine. Our arms wrapped around each other as I explored this new sensation. My first kiss. I’d never felt this before and I hesitated at first, the warmth of his mouth on mine. I followed his lead as he pressed me against the wall. I don’t know how long it lasted, but when the door suddenly flung open it startled us both, causing us to jerk apart.

“YOOZOO- OH!” Kora’s voice screeched in surprise as she stared at us, Leon still holding me close to him against the wall, his eyes sliding to the surprised brown-haired girl, a scowl on his features. I was panting, looking at Kora in surprise as she stared at us, her own brown eyes wide. Why was I so out of breath? All I did was kiss him. My cheeks were burning and I tried to hide my face in Leon’s chest.

“I am... so sorry.” She said in a little squeak. She seemed speechless, and I laughed, unable to help it. It wasn’t often Kora didn’t have much to say.

“What is it, Kora?” I asked, straightening up, as Leon begrudgingly let me step around him so that I could see her better.

“Oh, well… Ivan and Rachel are getting married! I had to tell you! And they’re doing it in only a few days!” She said, suddenly regaining her original excitement. Her cheeks flushed as she clapped eagerly, hopping up and down.

I blinked and looked back at Leon smiling.

“I think a wedding is an excellent idea,” I said in a happy voice. “See? These times are not all darkness and sorrow.” I told Leon in a teasing voice. He responded by rolling his dark eyes and pulling me close to him, kissing me once again as Kora squealed.

“Get a room, you two!” Leon pulled his lips away from mine just enough to growl out in response.

Memoirs Of the In-Between Chapter 12

Victories After The Loss

Chapter 12

The first three days after Alice’s send-off, I spent mostly in bed crying. Those days were a blur, but I remember everyone being at my side during certain points. Not once during my deepest sadness did I ever feel alone, and it was unfamiliar in the best way.



Vocal is a platform for supporting, discovering and rewarding creators.

Memoirs Of the In-Between Chapter 12

Victories After The Loss

About the Creator

Hope Martin

Comments