Proud mom of triplets, married to my knight in shining armour, loving life and literature!
My life story of challenging my inner strength with a somewhat invisible disability… It was Grade 5, the last year of my life as I had known it. Something had drastically changed, switched on or off depending on how you see it. Chronic illness has arrived. Darkness and BLACK. They say that black is the absence of colour, I believe it, my colour was gone. Even my facial colour, drained and strained, looking so pale with the only colour in my withered and tired body were my legs and feet turning PURPLE upon standing too long. My heart racing upon movement and position and almost passing out, nauseated, vomiting, unable to eat, so bad they considered tube feeding, migraines, eating handfuls of salt, so many different types of medications, natural, traditional, tilt table tests, stamina testing the list is never ending. So many suggestions and opinions from perplexed and well educated pprofessionals. Family stands by, friends come and most go, not realizing what has happened to this human that was full of life, laughter, school. I remember crying just saying all I want to do is just go to school and be a “normal“ teenager. After years of “what is this” that has made me into someone that cannot function with SO MANY SYMPTOMS that NO ONE can figure out, who is this person? I dig deep searching for the strength to move on in my life of unknown future. I see 100’s of doctors, specialists, professionals and years pass by. Grade 11 sucked but I did it, alone in my bedroom, learning when “stable”. Graduation, I did that too achieving Honor roll grades eight thru 12. My mom always says “thank goodness you are smart like me”, we laugh. Yes, I laugh again. I laugh a lot with my family. You either laugh or you cry, we do a lot of both. So, we stumble upon a hero, one of many that have passed through my life. This hero, a Neuralogist who specializes in neuro muscular illness and autonaumic disorders, says that he can’t cure me but he can help me. Six years later, here I am. I can get out of bed most days. I am GRATEFUL for so much and heavily rely on the kindness and generosity of strangers! 100’s of humans have donated their time, their blood, I get the albumin portion for my infusions. I am now designated with a permanent disability, even this has taken years and so much energy! My life journey has taken me places I never thought I could or would go. My “invisible” disability, with many still struggling to accept that I have “something” wrong with me, I never want sympathy or to dwell on illness but this is a tough gig but I press on. The sun is now shining a little brighter, peaking thru the blinds casting kaleidoscope like colour on the wall. Intriguing, this COLOUR reappearing in my life. I spend hours per week in hospital and at home attached to a pump thru my chest port. This has become my life as I now know it. I celebrate infusion milestones with vibrantly coloured cupcakes and sprinkles, sadly spending more time with my nurses than I do with my family. Celebratory RED cherry on the top, I completed my Bachelor of Education Degree with distinction. I am currently continuing my education journey with taking Inclusive Education. Yes, I want to work with students with varying needs! I want to help others. I yearn to help others. I am inspired to help others. This girl who couldn’t get out of bed. I fought like heck to get out of bed. I learned and grew while in bed. But I was not giving up. POTS. That’s it. Google it. Life changing, life sucking, POTS. It defines me, educates me and educates others. Will there be a "magic" pill someday, we don't know, but until then, this is my journey. I love me. I love life. My chronic, rainbow array of new COLOUR, crazy to some, life...as I know it.
My moments with the Scarlet Macaw
I leap from my perch, the wind glides through my feathers. I feel alive! I am an endangered species. I am the Scarlet Macaw vibrant in colour, red, blue, yellow…I really am radiant!
Not again. The presence. I can feel the chill. The breeze of an entity passing past me. Taunting me. Again. This story begins many years ago. A tiny community constructed next to the large, ominous at times, lake in the woods. No one knew the series of spirit connection to the structure that had been relocated to this very spot so long ago. This structure itself attached to a famously known haunted church from miles down the road. These spirits are not happy and long to be home again.
September 11 2021
September 11 2021 my home destroyed FIRE there one moment gone the next HOME to many generations our safe spot our gathering place
Don’t Make Eye Contact!
“Don‘t make eye contact” she screamed! It was a chilly, cloudy, ominous sort of day on the prairies. We thought we would venture out, going for a long drive way back into the park. The road is long lined with aspen and birch trees, casting shadows onto the dirt. We double check that the gas tank is full, learning from past mistakes. The journey will be exciting, with high hopes of spotting various wildlife!
Made With Love
1977. The best slice of heaven, my first memory of my grandmother’s homemade chocolate cake. I loved sleepovers at my grandparents, my own room, my own cozy bed, a tranquil peaceful retreat.
Sailing with the sail fish
We heard the horn blow as this huge floating little city proceded out of the port area and began our cruise adventure. The ship glided perfectly over the calm seas allowing excellent opportunities to watch for marine life. While my husband and I were cruising the Pacific Ocean off of the coast of Mexico, camera in hand, out popped this beauty! I have always loved taking photographs and recently became obsessed with nature. Two days into our cruise was a particularly beautiful, sun filled day with minimal wave and swell making spotting achievable. The mesmerizing sun-filled day began with a hot cup of coffee and croissant, enjoyed out on a secluded side deck. As I felt the warm ocean breeze and warm sun on my skin, I found my mind would wander off, strangely remembering “The Little Mermaid” and how it becomes a whole new world under the sea. Other than photography, another of my passions is snorkelling. Floating through calmness of underwater with the abundance of life peaking out all around me. The assortment of shapes, sizes and flora of these creatures is always so intriguing. Equally abundant is the fabulous plant life, observing the underwater creatures nibbling on the plants, spewing sand while digging their trenches and pathways down to the, unknown to me, treasure below. During my snorkel adventures I have spotted a variety of marine life but today I focus on the sail fish becoming curious of the long barb leading it’s way as it travels so quickly and effortlessly through the water. I wondered if this sword of sorts was to penetrate food, or to assist with balance, speed, what was the creative design purpose? So I begin my research and I learn some fun facts about the sailfish! I learn that this species of fish holds the record for the fastest speed of any of Earth's marine animals, how fascinating! The sail fish gets it’s name due to the “sail” type fin hidden on the back. This sail protrudes and becomes raised when attacking prey. Supposedly, the raising of this sail makes it difficult for the head to move freely discouraging predators as the long bill looks less desirable to eat. Also, during spawning the female sailfish will attract a male partner by extending her dorsal fin above the surface of the water. So this fin has much purpose. This fish hunts and manipulates the “sword“ to injure it’s food, making the meal more easily attainable. Studies have shown that most of their prey get injured from the back versus the front as they swiftly speed up behind the school of fish bumping their food source enough to inflict an injury allowing the possibility of capture. Approximately only 24% of the hunt is successful. These fish really work hard for their meals! These fish tend to hunt in groups for various reasons, such as, fish can be predictable and a fish on it’s own can repeat its movements and directionality. Studies show that the mob mentality creates much movement at the same time making it more difficult for predators to track or plot their path. More fascinating, is studies have shown that these fish may be able to change colour, throwing off their predators. Studies also show that this species may be able to communicate with each other and that they have the ability to display emotion, who knew, fish can have emotions. I was thrilled to see this Vocal challenge, prompting me to step out of my comfort zone, chose my photo with then educating myself on these majestic water beauties. I look so forward to my next wildlife adventure!
I am not going to lie, I have a confession. I really struggled in my teen years. Having an undiagnosed medical condition for most of my elementary and all of my high school years gave me way too many hours in bed, contemplating life, thinking much too hard about things that I could not control. I was hurting. I had many friends that had gone thru self-harming, I watched on the side lines, thinking that perhaps this was the release I was looking for. I was preparing myself educationally and mentally to become a school psychologist. I was very aware of the idea of the temporary relief some found from cutting themselves and knew that this would not be a positive choice. But, when life deals you some unfair cards sometimes you start thinking outside the box. So, my journey continued and I eventually made the decision to start cutting. Now I know what you’re thinking, cutting herself? The answer is No! I actually had stumbled upon and found great pleasure in the cutting and ripping of material! The way the scissors sculpted the cloth, slicing and shaping my masterpieces, even the sound of the blades striking together, it became so rewarding! I began searching the topic of clothing ripping and cutting and I was fascinated to learn about a couple of interesting topics.