Friends come and go. It's just a fact of life. Sometimes we age out of each other, move away from another, grow apart, or have falling outs. All we can hope is to keep a good group of close friends around us, they help us get through life. But, if you're anything like me you have that one friend that you just can't seem to get rid of. She comes and goes in and out of my life, I can never quite get her to just stay away from me, but when she's around, I embrace her in all of her hot mess status. She is after all my oldest friend. I've known her since I was a teen, she's been there with me through everything I've ever been through, so I can't just say good bye. Unfortunately, whenever she's around she's fine in small increments, but she usually overstays her welcome. But how to you tell an old friend to kindly fuck off? I don't want to her he feelings after all... and yet... why do I care so much about her feelings?
We all want something to hold. As children we hold on to our parents hands, little trinkets we find, anything that makes our little hearts feel happy. As we grow up, we get bigger, our dreams get bigger, our hands get bigger and can hold more, and most importantly our hearts get bigger, and need more to keep them full and satisfied. As a kid we need a group of other kids our age to keep us happy and feel loved. We want our friends to play with and keep us entertained. It's pretty simple. But as we grow older, we need more out of our friends. We need them to hold our hands when we get heart broken, feed our cats while we're away for the weekend, or pour us more wine while we vent about the latest bullshit our boss has decided to put us through at work. Maybe we don't need a large group of friends like we used to, but we all need at least one close friend that's there for us whenever we need them. We need those friends to come over to visit us in our homes we now also now need. A home that gives us shelter, a sense of comfort and belonging. It helps us hold belongings that we now need to help us feel as though we have a place in the world. We have a place to keep possessions that remind us of our past. It just seems like the older we get, the more we seem to hold on to. Grudges, memories, anxieties, good things and bad alike, we just hold on to it. At least once a year I need to go through my apartment and clean it of all the things I've accumulated through the year that I just for some reason can't seem to get rid of. I have pictures on my phone that I just can't seem to delete, even though I have 23 versions of it with varying light levels. They have entire shows about how we hold on to everything. Some people hoard actual trash, because sometimes, to them, it makes them feel whole. We just, hold on.