I reread all 615 emails. Staying longer on the emails where he sent his photo. He’s so beautiful. His eyes are deep pools of sorrow. I want to drink in his darkness. But I’m on a mission. Looking for something. Anything where I can yell, ahuh. I knew it. I can leave you now. The obsession can finally end. Haha. My sanity has left the building. I click the email app closed...
Crazy. My doctor says this is a word I use too casually. A word that has such negative connotation and yet, it’s my go-to self descriptive adjective. Well. It’s my second word, behind SSBBW. Because being crazy isn’t enough. I need to be large and in charge. My brains says I’m in charge. My body might argue that I lost control a long time ago. This isn’t about that struggle. Not today.
Today I woke up sad. Sad that I didn't believe in God, and yet I prayed for a miracle. I prayed that I would just sleep forever. Waking up is so hard. Too hard. The loneliness has crept in so deep that it's choking my very soul. Crying has become my new normal. Stuck in this perpetual moment of heartbreak and even after the rain has cleared, I sit with no rainbows. No sunshine. No butterflies or even puppy dogs. I cry until my eyes hurt and my chest feels like it will explode. I YouTube videos on self-affirming yourself out of a panic attack. I lie, out loud, because it feels more true when my ears can hear it.
I went to bed last night with a question burning on my mind. I woke feeling like I just sat through the second viewing of a movie hoping the outcome would be different. The outcome is always the same; never changing because it cannot change. I am not in a movie; I change. I can be more than the words that I type or whisper. I can be more than the lies I recite hoping no one can see through the ruse. I am a good person… I am a good person… I thought I was a good person. I need to know if I can be the kind of good person I want to be. Standards so high, the intention is really to fail. Did you know that about me? My question was, am I living a stereotype in denial? I knew the answer before I knew the question. Sometimes the question is the answer. This question was my answer. Knowing doesn’t feel good, though. It is good to know the truth. The truth can set you free. They say that this is half the battle. I have always been half way done then. It feels more like I haven’t taken one step forward in a while. In fact, it feels more like I am walking in the prints I already left. My foot doesn’t fit… I am making the prints bigger, wider, and fatter. Buddha says you are what you say you are. Not literal in the way that I can say, I am a bird. (Literal in more of how words have power.) If you say you will fail before you start, you have already failed. This is why I have so many words. I want to succeed before I start. You can talk so much that walking becomes impossible; a task that you put on a pedestal too high to reach. I talked up a good story with no intention of living it out… If I stop talking, will I live my dreams instead?