We are all born with the inability to function on our own, we are open and vulnerable to the world in hopes someone will care for us. Needing someone to lean on in order to survive because as newborns we cannot adapt to the new responsibilities of life. We have a clean slate, unmarked and ready for the world to make its first imprint. As we grow older we grow accustomed to the new realities, we learn and grow and celebrate the big milestones that are too soon taken for grated. We become fixated on the next step, the next stage all while not realizing that we are missing precious and memorable moments.
Head spinning and thoughts exploding, life feels like it is going nowhere in this moment that I’m experiencing. Feelings of failure come crashing down, making my eyes begin to close and tears begin to flow. Shame creeps in, saying, “Who am I to succeed?” Feeling not worthy of much, still I push my luck and again I end up in the same spot.
Hard days pass and good ones do too, It all comes down to perceptive and views. Where thoughts are meant to be challenged, feelings are meant to be examined and behaviors are meant to be changed. When the hard days come again, you feel it like a sudden pang in your chest, coming from nowhere. It’s so painful it feels as if your world cannot go on, ending so quick and sudden. You feel the need to grasp the chest because the heart lay there cold and abandoned.
Balance. Life is filled with imbalanced people who spend their whole life trying to find the perfect equation or method in order to have balance. The world is accompanied by a bunch of strangers all living “under one roof” so to speak, who are all searching for the same thing, happiness. Searching for happiness can become one’s life quest, just the soul act of searching.
Thoughts of who I used to be travel through my head at such a high speed, making me fall on my knees. Tears streaming down because the pain from the fall went right through my chest into my heart, making me bleed from the inside out.
Why do I have such an extreme urge to fit in? Why can’t I be as pretty as every other woman I see? Recovering from an eating disorder, or even just trying to like myself is so freaking hard to do. Why is that? A constant mindset of mine is a pessimistic one. “Who will ever love me,” “Why do I look like this,” “What good can come from this?”etc.