Cassandra Carter
Stories (7/0)
Stepping Into The Light
They say a lack of memory of your childhood in itself is indicative of childhood trauma within itself. Not only do I have very few childhood memories, when I do look back the feelings of fear, sadness and inadequacy are tangible and suffocating to say the least. I don't really remember y parents together at all. Just the strained nature of their relationship post divorce. Neither of them were shy to let their opinions of the other from spilling out in front of their children. In review of the situation as an adult I can appreciate how deeply unhappy my mother was and that she thought she was doing her best, as a mother now myself I can confirm the intuitive feeling I've had all along towards it. It was good enough. If I wasn't living up to her exact ideals and expectations I was admonished, berated and vilified. God forbid anything good happened for me, then I was the subject of bitterness and jealousy. In my early twenties I took my mother to a rugby match at Twickenham only for her to have a few too many pints and tell me that I had in fact ruined her life by even existing. By my teens being screamed at and humiliated was how I thought it was supposed to be. The feeling of worthlessness and general emotional toil were as much a part of me and any generic character trait. I didn't find much comfort in my peers, not quite one of the cool kids but floating on the edge, adding to my sense of inadequacy and displacement. My grandparents were my only source of comfort really. My mother did her best to ruin that as well. I've lost count of the lies and manipulations she's fed the family over the years. Ever situation a warped version of events where she is of course with out blame and always cast as the victim. The universe itself is against her and anyone who doesn't agree with every aspect of her delusions along with it.
By Cassandra Carter3 years ago in Humans
Not waving, But drowning.
I feel like I've hit yet another painfully present rough patch. The walls are closing in and the haze of daily indifference is sucking the air out of the room. The lack of any other meaningful adult interactions is laying those needs directly and weightily on my partners shoulders. For all his many attributes, a natural flair for interaction isn't on of them. Combine that lack of fulfilment with the what seems like unending bad night sleeps, recurring nightmares and a constant sense of the unknown and I am beyond a hot mess right now. I am a slow building mass of over pressured anger and stress which I can feel creeping closer to the moment of utter explosion. One I can only imagine, based on the small but frequent eruptions of late, will be catatonic.
By Cassandra Carter3 years ago in Families
Better days
Let's be honest with each other for a minute, no one is exactly brimming with joy right now. The world is simultaneously both in chaos and at an absolute stand still right now. Any sense of normality or structure for the majority went out the window nearly a year ago now and for those still required to carry on as normal the permanent knowledge it might cost them their physical wellbeing has got to weigh heavily on them.
By Cassandra Carter3 years ago in Motivation
How we live now...
Today I got out of bed. I mean, I did physically get out of bed yesterday, long enough to make chicken nuggets and curly fries for breakfast, but then I went back to bed. I climbed back into my pit and put low quality television films on where I couldn't even bring myself to pick up my current book.
By Cassandra Carter3 years ago in Psyche
Time to Spill the Tea
Today was the first day in over a week I got up and actually got stuck in on some housework. I'd overslept. Again. Not so much tired, as unwilling to face the world just yet. A feeling compounded by my little pickle having snuck in during night, her tiny arms wrapped around my neck and tiny face muzzled in my chest made the prospect of getting up that much less appealing. Add to that fact, I knew exactly what was waiting for me when I threw off that duvet. Pots and pans left to "soak" for a week, laundry piles so high it was questionable if I even have clean pants in the drawer, and a general swirl of clutter, both as a result of, and a reminder that I have been feeling less than great lately. I haven't been feeling on top of the world for a few months in fact, but this last week or so has seen a clear and undeniable decline in my wellness. It always starts the same; a general feeling of tiredness or fatigue. That in itself leads to a development in procrastination. As the to do list grows, so does my sense of avoidance. The avoidance allows the piles of washing up and laundry to grow, only driving my feelings of failure and hopelessness to a more resolute position in my mind. The feeling of hopelessness whirling around in my head, draining me of my energy, creates more of the same fatigue that brought me here.
By Cassandra Carter4 years ago in Psyche
H2O and the Daily Goal
So I've been suffering from a severe headache for the best part of a week now. I've been short and irritable with the people around me, and generally brought the mood in the house down several notches. According to quite a few web searches one of the main causes may be my hydration levels. I'm not what you'd call a water drinker. Even in the height of summer, I am guilty of reaching for a Diet Coke or iced coffee. I've never really given much consideration to how this is effecting me. Whether those preconditioned to reach for the Evian are receiving noticable benefits from this habit, I'll admit it shouldn't take a six day migraine to make me consider improving my water intake. There's numerous articles in fashion and lifestyle magazines professing it will give you clear skin and sparkly eyes but what about other effects?
By Cassandra Carter5 years ago in Longevity
Working Towards Wellbeing
See the thing is, looking back now, I can clearly see that I have struggled a lot over the years. During my teens I was an unstoppable force of confused and exponentially destructive emotions. My early twenties; a constant sense of failure and social displacement. The lead up and aftermath of the birth of my daughter; a suffocating flood of anxiety and self doubt.
By Cassandra Carter5 years ago in Psyche