The Empty Glass
Introduction Heather stood up, watching as he walked out of her house for the last time. Ty had been good for her over the year she had known him. Now everything was irrevocably broken, and there was nothing she could do about it.
When things go wrong
When I was 8, my brother owned a candy store where he sold candy to the kids in our neighborhood. He made good money doing it and often enlisted my siblings and me to help him run the store. He sold tootsie rolls for a penny apiece, he sold licorice, snow cones, candy bars, and Laffy Taffy. As long as he marked up the price on it, he made a profit. Well, he finally got into mowing lawns and turned the candy store business over to us. Well, we had no idea how to manage a candy store. Nor did we know what things would cost. We took advantage of our family, but I was the only one that got caught. I was stealing change from my Dad to buy candy. First, it started out as forty cents in the laundry basket. Next, it was sixty cents in the laundry hamper, and this continued for about a month. Finally, I was in the car with my Mom, and she knew what I was up to. I'm not sure what it is about Moms who have a sixth sense about what their children are doing. With me, she knew and finally got me to confess. She wasn't angry, but she did insist I tell my Dad. After all, it was him that I was stealing from. If you knew my Dad, you knew when you delivered bad news to him. It never went well. I planned it out and that night after dinner I told him. The level of rage on my Father's face cannot be described. You see, my Dad was a police officer, and theft was a very big deal to him. So, my punishment was that he put my arms behind my back and handcuffed me. He read me my rights as he was walking me out the door. All my siblings and their friends were in the driveway. A look of shock set in on their faces as we passed by them. My Dad was still in uniform, so I can only imagine how this looked to everyone in the neighborhood. I could hear the whispers as we walked past them. "What did she do?" "How scary", and there was even some laughter mixed in. Never have I ever been more embarrassed than I was at that moment. He opened the door to his police car, put his hand on my head, and forced me to sit in the back seat. I was sobbing by this point, and absolutely believed he was taking me to jail. I didn't know what jail looked like, but I did know that's where bad people went. I didn't want to be a bad person. He radioed in to dispatch that he was in his vehicle, as they were required to do so. However, I could barely hear what he was saying over my sobs. To me, he was telling them that he had a young lady in the car, and he was taking me to jail. He started the car, and drove through the neighborhood, and turning out of the neighborhood. He asked me "Do you know what you did wrong?" Between sobs, I answered "Yes", and then he asked me "Are you ever going to do it again". I could barely get the words out and said "No", and he turned around and drove me back home. The problem was everyone was still outside in front of my house. I was beyond embarrassed at this point.
Herbert the Erflin
My name is Archimedes, and I'm here to tell you an unbelievable story. Centuries ago, there lived creatures on Earth named Erflins. Before man, and before dinosaurs. Erflins lived and thrived. They were small, about the size of a tennis ball. There were both male and female Erflins, and they had soft green skin. Their hair was usually blonde or dark black. Erflins lived full lives and used the earth's resources to build wonderous things. They created wells and built fashionable homes. They invented the wheel and used that to spin water to generate power. They mastered fire and discovered silver and gold. They turned the materials from the earth into jewelry and clothing. Erflins are not built the way humans are. The only way to tell whether one is male or female is their eyes. Female Erflins all had long eyelashes and blue eyes. While the male Erflins had dark brown eyes and no eyelashes. They wear clothing for art, and neither extreme cold nor extreme heat has an effect on them. They referred to Earth as the land of Gwin. They are magical beings. They cast spells, and are the first magicians to ever rule the earth.
I left high school in 1999, which was the year Bill Clinton was impeached, and the same year as the Columbine Highschool massacre that claimed the lives of 12 students and 2 teachers. That was also the same year I met the craziest friend I have ever met. I will spare her, by providing all of you with her name, but if she ever reads this. She will know it is her, and that for me is awesome. So, I will call her Laura.
7 years ago, things were hard, I mean REALLY hard. The company I had been working for demoted me to a different department. This also meant I took a paycut, and it was a harsh blow. The worst time of year for it to take place, Christmas. I had bills, lot's and lot's of them. How on earth was I even going to pay for Christmas that year? I told my parents, and since they were both on disability. There just wasn't a way for them to help me, but they did tell me not to get them anything that year. At 32 years old, how did I get to this place in my life? Why did I allow something like this to happen?
I'm with the FBI
Of all the dating stories I tell, this one by far is the most absurd and unreal. When you're young, you do really dumb things sometimes. If I had to label the dumbest thing I've ever done. This whole story would be it.
Crazy and Absurd
First, have you ever been on a date where you questioned what they were thinking? Where you physically sat there wondering what was going through the other person's mind when they said or did what they were doing? I wish this hadn't been the case for me and on more than one occasion.
Have you ever scrolled through someone's dating profile on a dating app and thought to yourself, "Can this person be serious"? Have you ever said, is it even possible for that to even happen? I find myself questioning a profile from a dating app that I came across years ago, and it has stayed with me. Now, the guy in the dating profile looked normal. Blonde hair, blue eyes, and a beard. He was sitting on top of a BMW, and he dressed like he had money. When I say he was sitting on the BMW, I actually mean he was laying down across the hood of the BMW. Which, I’ll be honest, looked really embarrassing and uncomfortable.