I'm Ashley, a 23-year-old chem student from New Jersey. I've always loved to write, but only as a private outlet. However, I want to start putting myself out there. The goal is to make this journaling hobby a consistent channel of freedom.
June 2018 (21 years old at the time of writing) “Kel, that’s not how you do it!” I cautioned him “Who cares? I’m going faster than you!” my brother responds snarkily, laughing as he runs off in an awkward sort of tip-toe manner. And there we were, learning to skate for the first time. We don’t remember how we got there or who else was present. Still, I’ll never forget the happiness and security my brother and I shared that evening. Kelvin and I have always looked to each other for confidence, and it seemed we had found a safe place to talk about our lives and laugh about our struggles. The combination of disco lights, buzzing and blaring from the arcade games, and the rink DJ spinning the hottest tracks of 2008 was enough noise to drown out our voices. We had to experience this elation again. My brother began mowing lawns to earn a little cash, and I the same through domestic duties. Once we had been able to save consistently enough, we’d run off to the roller rink once, sometimes twice a month. From my mother’s divorce to her remarriage, and then the birth of our younger sister. Through our parents leaving to serve overseas, splitting us into different homes in the process. The rink was where we could escape together. Plans and dreams were thought up there because no one could tell us our hopes were foolish. The roller rink was our secret spot.
I talk too much about my problems. Everyone has issues, and it feels great to express the feelings that come with them. However, I’ve found myself giving up on my rants once I realized I’m talking in circles. Way better than I used to be, but still catching myself combatting solutions by restating the problem. It goes back and forth like this until I’m so frustrated I cry. Sadness, disappointment, and discontent feel like the only appropriate emotions these days. To put it clearly, I think I’m addicted to negativity.