Anna Rodriguez
Stories (1/0)
Because of You
Hey mom, I have never told you this before but...I'm no perfect golden child. Never have been and never will be. I silenced my voice long enough to please you, but you won't be happy. So let me be happy. I don't want you around so much. I want to pursue my dreams now. You had your chance. You had better choices but you chose otherwise. If you had no love for my father, why did you stay? Don't give me that crap about wanting us to know our father. YOU STAYED BECAUSE YOU WERE SCARED. There I said it. I resent you a lot. You are emotionally unavailable and neglectful. I don't trust you now with my own and I'm drawing a line, a boundary. You are harmful to my mental health and I just want to disappear completely. You were meant to be one of the safest people I could turn to, but all you did was hide from your emotions or erupt like a volcano whenever I did something you didn't agree with. Even at the littlest of things. It seems that I couldn't do anything right and I needed my mom to not be my friend, but I needed you to be there! Why didn't you see that I was in so much emotional pain? Pain that I projected out onto my siblings and they have forgiven me, but I can't and won't even forgive myself. I cut myself off away from them to give them their space to heal, but I need to heal too and it hurts so much. I was only a kid when you put me in charge. I didn't like being in charge. I pulled away. I pulled away so that I could write more and draw and just not do anything. I sit in front of the TV, numbed and silenced and hurting and no one cares. No one is listening. I have no kids of my own because I'm terrified that I'll end up like you: a robot with no emotions, no heart, nothing. Maybe shutting down works for you, but I can't do that. I can't become numb anymore. I need an outlet, a better one, a healthier one and you never gave me that. All you cared about were bills this, bills that, work here, work there. I resent the heck out of you for this. A lot of people will say that you tried your best, but I needed you to be there for once and put on your big girl panties and go to therapy, too, but you'd deny it to yourself. "No money. I can't afford it." No, you won't afford it. There I said it. You make all the people who were meant to help us that you sent our way seem like angels and devils and we have to run and hide again. You'd rather be with a man and spend time with him than spend actual one on one time to get to root of the problem. I couldn't communicate that and how the heck am I to communicate this fact to a random, perfect stranger??? Who are you, mom? A lot of people will say I'm lucky that my mom was really there. There's a lot of noise inside my head and I can't even tell what I'm feeling. A lot of people will say I'm being ungrateful and unfair towards you mom, but that's what I'm feeling. Isn't that okay to feel that for a moment? So who are you, mom? I'm 30 now and I don't feel safe around you. I don't feel at home with you. I don't feel that you listen to me anymore. Who are you, mom? You treat me like I'm still a child. I can't do one nice thing for myself without you going up the wall about bills, bills, bills, work, work, work. I don't want you in my life. Just back off for a moment and let me breathe. I cracked under the pressure of being the one in charge. I can't do the things you want to do for your life. Now this is my life and I want you to stop and let me go. Even if it means letting me fall flat on my face. I need to find a way out and get away from you because you're so emotionally unhealthy. I can't stand it. I'm not a robot like you are. I can't tell when or whether you're being my friend or my mother. I can't make heads nor tails and it hurts my head and heart. It's why I don't have a man in my life right now. I'm emotionally unhealthy, too. I'm too sensitive and no one is around to help me. You certainly didn't help me emotionally. You put random perfect strangers who had no business demanding what's wrong with me in front of me. You should have been the one to ask that. Instead you said suck it up and get over it. It's how I responded to my friends who were getting through their own emotional rollercoasters. Now I'm getting the help that I need and I'm getting through it...gradually. I'm not perfect. I'm an emotional mess and that's okay to be like that isn't it?
By Anna Rodriguez2 years ago in Families