It was a love affair that never happened. A relationship that didn’t go anywhere at all. I’ve played the ‘What If Game’ a lot the past few days. It never makes a difference, of course, it’s just myself trying to reason with decisions we’ve already made. The choice was already made for us. What if… what if I wasn’t leaving in a month, would we be together? What if I wasn’t leaving at all… would we have a relationship, a real one and what if I didn’t want that, what if I did? What if after years and years I left anyway? What if I stayed for half a year? We could do a short relationship full of lovely things but then… what if both our hearts break? What if we fell in love?
I will admit right now that I am not the world’s leading expert on writing, far from it, however, there are some things I have come to learn. The following are three things I have picked up along the way, shared views with authors, and remind myself of daily.
Somehow, I got it into my head and soul in the past few years that I am not sexy or sexually desirable. The other day I started thinking about this and realizing that if I do not consider myself sexy how in the world is someone else supposed to? I am beautiful, cute, adorable, lovely. I have come to terms with those. However, I do not consider myself or feel sexy unless I am in a relationship, even one in which I am not having sex, just the knowledge that someone desires me. This is not an accomplishable goal when I not only don’t have anyone that likes me, but I am not even around men, like ever. Which means that it needs to come within.
Dear one, is it true? Have I never told you? Did I not? I meant to. If you’re still breathing, you’re the lucky one.
Do you remember when you were eight years old playing in a puddle that one perfect summer? Running and laughing and free? What brings you back there when the years have passed?
Re-entry. It feels like living on another planet in another time. Truly. Especially when you first get home. Everything is different, everything is weird. Your time is thrown off and you’re not sure what is happening. I know it sounds crazy, but everything really is different: the air, your skin, your bed, your friends and family, hell, even the sunlight feels slightly off. It’s not just jetlag, because you’ve had that before and it was never like this. Unlike jetlag, this feeling lasts for a while, at least. Slowly things start becoming more... ‘normal’ but this could last days, weeks, months or years and it’s hard, it actually is.