I do. I did. I died.

I vividly remember picking wildflowers from my grandmother's creek side, wrapping them in ivy vines, and walking down the wooded path to my imaginary husband. Five, maybe? Dreaming of a princess wedding, with Prince Charming at the end of the aisle, a bouquet of flowers, and birds singing for the celebration.

Innocence is beautiful, isn't it?

I don't know that I'll ever see marriage as a beautiful union again. I can see why people do, because I saw that at 19, just 14 years after my make-believe forest wedding, I had my park chip-and-dip wedding, with my Dollar Tree skirt and fake flowers. It also lasted 14 years, and many nightmares, scars, and trauma later.

And it took him to hate marriage.

Clearing the clouds only works if there's not a storm. They speak so easily of leaving if you're unhappy, but they fail to remind those who do how it affects you.

I get it, some people just lose touch, but what if the touch can be corrected? What if the chances were expired when executed? Do we exhaust ourselves pleading, begging, shaping into the form they want?

What about those of us who put in all our effort only to be flushed away again? We struggle for years to put ourselves back together; we search for some type of distraction, but even distractions become distractions. Shall we drown in wine and become the puppet for the night? Does it ever begin anew, or is escape the only rule?

People should be aware; people should make an effort; people should have some compassion for those of us who scream inside because we went vulnerable for a person who likes to break windows. Who breaks promises. Who ends commitments every other Thursday.

You can't claim sanctuary & follow with black magic; it just doesn't work that way. The deepest love is a one-time chance. You don't get to ignite the flame only when you're finally ready to feel warm. You don't get to pick and choose when love is the answer, when trust is optional, when vows are sincere.

I am a fireplace, a standing ovation of cheer & giving. I give to all, take what is returned & find a lesson in all received. What you learn is up to you, but I've learned to keep going when times are simply unbearable. And having that ring really made it a contract rather than an equal.

The impossibilities are endless & it's frightening because, at any given moment, the scenarios become real, as abrasive as the first. The threats are real; I've felt your words across my face, burned in my mind, and bruised my skin. I've felt the consequence of telling you no.

And suddenly I became another notch, and no amount of performance riddles you made me play will ever validate. I escaped; I ran away; I cut the puppet strings and burned them to ash.

A phoenix has risen, and she's spread her wings far.
Away from you, away from the chaos, away from the fire you, yourself, started.