Back In The Days

So I met this cat tryna be grown. It was back in middle school I was still at home. We went our separate ways, didn’t think nothing of it, then one day I laid eyes on him in a covenant. I didn’t know what I was thinking death was three stops away, me and my baby almost died by a train that day. Stopped me dead in my tracks I thought I was saved, whole time this story gets wilder by the page. He was homeless and I was looking for stability, we hit it off almost instantly. I wasn’t one to settle down, I was still dealing back and forth with the father of my child, you know the energy. Moved in a place for teenagers up to 24, he was 22 I was 21 no galore. Wasn’t no date nights or fun things that comes when a man pursues a woman that he wants. It was strictly struggle you know give me what you got and give me what I want. I wasn’t looking for promises, helped him get in the place I resided in. I was talking to a hookup, a black guy who was big, you know who looked rough. I mean, I told him what was up, I was pillow to post so anything I had left was for me to get ghost. He showed up there thinking it was us, I said nah we’re just friends, he promised to make me bust. It was in that moment that I signed a bad deal. The dude wasn’t even up to my sex appeal, he smoked and drank, ran with anybody who allowed him room to not think used his food stamps to feed whoever bought the weed, and I had a baby to worry about so I was doing my thing. I like tattoos so I tatted a black bear to show that survival of the fittest wasn’t about a nigga, it was about the situation that enhanced my confidence to go get it. He left and got a tattoo of a chick. Still didn’t think nothing of it, I moved out the covenant, my mama said she wasn’t able to provide for my kid, so I moved to a place that was closer to where he lived all this was a coincidence. He left the place before he was set to get his own, climbed so high to move in with the chick who likes clits and they almost beat him to stone. He hit my Facebook like back in 2012, asking me to attend a barbecue with his brother and them. It was close to the Fourth you know of July, me and my baby was in a shelter where we had to beg for a spot. Bus rides everyday in the heat, still had time to teach, but wait, let me get back to the tea. He stayed downtown near the Gateway, a complete 180 on how quickly things changed. I stayed in the shelter, got a house for transition, gave up my spot because roaches were in them. On the outside looking in it looked like I gave it up for a nigga. Wait, it gets deeper, my daughter was molested by one of his people, they laughed in my face, and I still stayed stagnant, all the while house was just nasty. Anyways back to me and him, I was working a 9 to 5 and he had to babysit. He asked me to marry him, it was only for convenience, so we can have a place to stay so I agreed to it. The day came we marched down to the court house then things became, clear to me, I wasn’t tying myself with no man who can’t clearly think and was in sin with me. He begged for the 60.00 back saying you don’t want me you’re stuck on your ex. I let him think whatever but getting out of the city is where my focus is at. Moved in with my aunt down in St. Joe, my first baby daddy had a baby, so this nigga was a joke. I was planning babies with men I kept in my contacts, connections grew longer until he made another contact. He moved down there Christmas Day, I moved out my aunts spot, after an incident with a baby cousin who got dropped. I moved in with him, my aunt was wigging out on that Heroine and I couldn’t deal with them. I worked at McDonald’s he still was the sitter, this man didn’t even have a decent pair of shoes that fit him, I kept me and my daughter looking nice, so now everyone can understand this story right? Okay back to it, things felt off, we were engaged in grown up activities but it’s what he did with his mouth. We pan handled and struggled you know a lot together, I’m not one of them women that believes in giving up because it’s difficult. But this man was just sketchy. He was never someone I wanted to build with, just someone I had to deal with in order to be alive today. I did some things in the streets that I dare not say. Wait let me turn the page. I worked the night shift with a few locos, back when 24hr McDonald’s were in the showrooms, you know before they did reconstruction and the M’s were the logos. The man couldn’t even properly fill out an application, I got drunk in February and we had a sexual altercation. It was the night of the Super Bowl, it was the Ravens and 9ers Ray Lewis was climbing, back when talent wasn’t retiring. Wake up six weeks later pregnancy test on the table, caption was he got me, and I felt trapped by this mindless behavior. He begged me to let him be a man so I did, quit my job even though his people warned me before I did. He got a job making 2500 a week, I stayed down through a lot. Once he got up on his feet, he went back with his friends, didn’t make one doctor’s appointment for his kid. Stayed out clubbing, he moved in with another woman. I moved back home straight to my mother, she called herself putting me through the struggle, slept on the floor, while he was building with another, took all his weekly check amounts and moved out of town with the mother. I still gave him chances but I vowed this time was going to be different, I found out he was sleeping with niggas. He confessed and we had a conversation but this was after my baby. I moved in a place called The Haven, decided to get my self together and I wasn’t faking. Went back to school to try and get some paper, got me an apartment for me and my babies. He was mad calling me all types of names, thought I was doing it for him or his name so he wanted to benefit from my change. Yeah my name, let’s fast forward. He never had much to offer I messed with him a few days after another man and never wanted him to be the babies father back in 2014 it was Valentine’s Day and I was lonely. He went to Facebook like most DL’s calling me trashy and names he couldn’t spell. I laughed and thank God I broke the spell, because a woman with a gift like this, dealing with a man who likes dick, was absurd as it sounds. I vowed to love myself and this is where I am now. College graduate, extra mouths, author, philosopher, volunteer, and I know how my name sounds. I don’t know much about him Nkw. I tried to set him up back in 2015, to get him up of off me, I guess he finally gets me yet, he still thinks I want him and he doesn’t respect the kitty kat. I laugh at him with his kids, I’m just giving facts. I did in fact put him on child support and he still not sending it. He’s still lying saying we’re married to his boyfriends to sound classy. A bisexual man will ruin your life if you let him. Ladies, let me be the first to tell you, pay attention and ask the right questions, and if you catch him in one lie he’s told more than that, never trust a nigga unless he wears a hat before sex! I would never deal with this man again, no matter how hard my situation is. I learned a valuable lesson and I thank God I did. Escaped the path without H.I. V, kids born healthy thank you G.O.D! It was never suppose to be permanent between him and I, but God has a plan in a lesson that can only teach you to trust in the blessings, because never again will I settle for lesser. He never showed up because having kids was his embarrassment, to counter off me embarrassing myself trying to uncover an undercover man!

Disclaimer: In life, we make choices that we aren’t always proud of, and we may not understand the determinant of those choices because we are full of pride and sin, or we don’t have enough people to love us to help us see the way. It is not until we are given the chance to see ourselves from the lenses of God that we understand that his word is swift that he was always there, we just aren’t looking.

I learned through the last 13 years that it will never be about his choices. It was about me not loving myself enough to make the right sacrifice to be alone. I made choices that were poor the ones that benefitted me in my flesh and others in their spirit. I try my best to not talk about this person as he is nothing but a chapter. We haven’t been met one another and I’m hoping we never will again. Although, we have children he’s not active in their lives they’re 13 and 12 and he’s seen them once, and each visit was about fornication with me to make himself feel accepted and me feel shame.

I wanted to share my story today and raise awareness in the eyes of women, who may be afraid to share their embarrassing experiences. Or who have been trapped by a man who loves other men. It happens to the best of us, and I thank God I didn’t marry him, or wasn’t eager to have a ring because Lord knows, I wouldn’t be sitting here writing, I’d be a patient in a cell my name being a number that matches slavery instead of servitude.

My spirit knew all along and deep down that revelation and restoration that would happen was worth everything I'm going through today. I’m so grateful for that discernment and inner voice that always led me to believe that this too shall pass!