The Long Road Back to Myself

In life, we all have a story. But, not everyone is an open book. Some people prefer to be private while others can share their stories with no issue. I'm an open book so I'm going to share my story.

It started when I was around the age of 9 years old. I was cutting flips on the couch one day all by myself. I wasnt paying attention and before I knew it, something, I won't go into detail, occurred. I didnt understand or realize that I had just been molested.

When I was 14 years old, my world was shattered. This same monster that stole my childhood, almost killed my sister. She suffered severe blows to the head with a clothing iron and knife wounds which occurred from multiple knives. She was left for dead but she survived.

When I saw her lying on the ground, about to leave this world, it made me so resentful towards my mother because I felt that her judgment should have been better.

She claims that she has a spiritual gift called discernment of the spirit, which means you can tell that a person has the wrong spirit by looking at them and being around them. But where was that gift then? Nowhere apparently.

I was 18 when I told her what he did. Her response: You could have saved your sister from all that if you had spoken up. Wow. I feel so much support.

Fast forward a few years. When I was 19, I lost my virginity. The same man raped me nights later. I was highly confused.

From that point forward, sex became a drug to me. I didn’t care about anything. I had several health department visits, and it still never stopped me. I had convinced myself that if you do what a man wants, they stay by your side. Where I got that from is beyond me.

I have had more one-night stands than I can count. Relationship after relationship, trying to find that happy place as people call it. But I never found it. I convinced myself that I did but I got my feelings hurt more times than I can count.

My wild days finally caught up with me in one incident. I had what I thought was my boyfriend. One night, around 10 pm, he took me to his house. He said we were home alone so I believed him. When he opened the door, his friend was waiting on the couch and I turned around but he locked the door. I didn’t realize just how much danger I really was in.

At first, we were telling jokes and when we began to "pretend fight", both of them said I was too strong. I sat on the couch and they started touching me and kissing me. At first, I wasn't comfortable, but things changed quickly.

Me and my supposed boyfriend at that time went in the bathroom to have sex. His friend walks in. They took my phone and placed it in the shelf. I thought to myself, do what they want because you need to survive. His friend got temporary relief, if you catch my drift and walked out.

My supposed boyfriend was offended because he thought I liked his friend better so as we were having sex from behind, he began beating me, even though I was pleased by him. He beat me for a solid hour.

At 10 pm, everything ended. I was in such shock, I couldn’t even sleep. I couldn’t process what had taken place. We were on a mattress on the floor where his 4 year old son was sleeping. He got right beside his son and slept as if nothing had happened.

At 6 am, I pretended everything was okay. I told them, "we had a busy night, can ya'll go get breakfast?" They fell for it. I called everyone I could think of but no one answered. They returned and his phone rang. His mother said, "who is that in my house?" He said, "moma that's the tv."

That phone call saved my life. So, finally, at 1:30 pm, we all get in the car. I'm finally relieved that everything is over. We are on the road. I see a state trooper. I was told: "If you make a noise or signal the trooper, we will kill you. And we don't have license, so if he does pull us over, you will say you know us and you will take the blame."

Once I got home, I went straight to my room. I couldnt process what had just happened. I laid on my bed and cried myself to sleep. I got up and got dressed for work that night. I had severe back pain but of course I couldnt tell them why.

My addiction continued on and it cost me my job. I ended up back in Shelby. For a short time, I attended WRAP classes. WRAP stands for (Wellness Recovery Action Plan). I completed the classes and got a certificate in September 2010. But yet, I went right back into my addiction.

When I turned 30, I told myself: you have done this long enough and it has gotten old. It's time to stop. And just like that, I stopped.

But, in January 2016, I decided to give up on life. I told myself that if no one cares, I don't either.

I spent 7 days in a psychiatric unit. Some people were there to get help while others were in there for attention. I didn't talk to anyone about my issues until the day I walked up to a woman who was there for drug rehab and dropped all my problems in her lap.

I talked to her about my situation; she told me that nothing in your life changes; you have to change it. When I left the hospital, that advice stayed with me.

After I was discharged, I was placed with the ACTT Team. ACTT stands for Assertive Community Treatment Team. They helped me learn how to manage my multiple illnesses, which are Bipolar I Disorder with mixed manic episodes, General Anxiety Disorder and PTSD.

I also have adult ADHD (was diagnosed at age 3) and was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

By looking at me, you can't tell the experiences I have endured or the disorders I have been diagnosed with. I don't let my illnesses define me as a person. You can live life or let it live you. I choose to live life.

To end my story, Our experiences made us who we are, but that is the past. You should embrace the present time, look forward to the future and make new memories that will last.