In My Mind

Maggie: January 2022
Life feels peaceful I think, Covid is mostly a lingering memory that feels oddly dystopian, work is going well I feel like I have found my place and with exciting new opportunities going on maybe I have finally reached "girl boss", I also spent all of lockdown having a health kick and I look fantastic for it! all that's left is to find myself a nice guy to settle down with and I tell my friend this while texting someone I went on a kind of good date. I mean it wasn't the most amazing but he made me laugh and he was cute so he deserves a second shot right? But for today I am sat in the local dive bar my friend has taken ownership of with a cup of coffee ready to start painting. I had been promising for weeks I would come and help and just couldn't find the time, after a week of feeling.. not quite myself I promised my boss I would stay home and rest! I am late to almost everything all the time but this week I had been late to work 3 times and luckily she was concerned and not angry. well staying home lasted all of 3 hours Saturday morning before I was texting Tessa if she wanted help.

One thing everyone I know will agree on is that when things are going well for me some bad luck is always waiting round the corner, and just as I was feeling safe the universe came back with a punch. Tessa was talking to her daughter whose only a few years older than me about where to start and I noticed I felt a bit... fuzzy I figured I was just tired until I heard Tessa ask " are you okay Maggie you don't look right?" I waved her off "I'm just feeling a bit tired I'm okay"

Tessa:
I know my Mags well enough to know she was not okay, before I could do anything she slumps to the side nearly falling off the bar stool and we only just caught her in time. We moved her to the sofa slumped to one side I knew something was wrong but she cant be having a stroke she's only 25, I look to my daughter Dee I can see her panic "if she wasn't so young I'd think she was having stroke" but as I look back her face is drooped and her words and slurred "oh fuck you are having a stroke" Mags looks at me and tells me she's fine she's going to walk home but I'm already dialling 999, "you are anything but find Dee keep her talking!" "what am I supposed to talk about" I cant answer before the operator picks up and after asking for an ambulance immediately and explaining the situation they tell us to do the same "keep her talking".

Maggie:
"oh fuck you are having a stroke" The words don't mean anything to me I'm aware I cant move my left hand and I have no idea how I got onto the sofa but all I can think is if someone would just touch my hand I will remember how to use it. There is no panic no sense of doom just this simple solution. Dee is talking to me about planning holidays and sexy men in Jamaica but we both know I don't have a hope in hell of affording that. Well unless I get that promotion! She's also trying to convince me my cat needs a friend which I can't argue with and will probably be my promotion gift to myself. I'm dimly aware of my phone being taken and Tessa asking for my password but I don't understand why? I just need someone to touch my hand.

Tessa:
"lift your arm for me" Maggie looks at me again telling me she is fine and lifts her right arm "now lift your other arm" again her right arm goes up and her slurred words tell me she's going to walk home but luckily she makes no attempt to get up like she did from the bar stool. I relay the information to the operator and they tell me to keep my phone nearby. With the ambulance on it's way I look at my daughter who has gone from planning a holiday to singing nursery rhymes and think how I would want to know if this was happening to my daughter. I try to get Maggie to tell me her passcode but all she can say is yeah in response to Dee's nursery rhymes. We manage to use her thumb to open her phone and I type in her parents phone number into my phone but get no answer. So I ring her mum from Mag's phone. "Hello, you don't usually call is everything okay?" Mum's always know, "Hi, sorry to call you from Mag's phone but there's been an emergency were at the attic bar and well I think Mag's is having a stroke and thought she would want you here" next thing I know she's shouting to who I assumes is Mag's Dad and they are on their way. I can only imagine how terrified they must be I don't know what I'd do if it was my Dee.

Maggie:
I'm still thinking about my hand how I just need someone to touch it before suddenly I'm not sat with Dee but leaning on my Dad I try to give him a hug but I still cant remember how to move my arm "Don't let her fall asleep" my mums voice appears from nowhere, when did they even get here, they can help me move my hand again right? I still feel peaceful its nice to see my parents maybe once I can get my hand moving again they can help paint too?

Tessa:
She must be so scared bless her, we've propped her up against her Dad for now as she couldn't hold herself up right it's been half an hour already and there is still no ambulance if they don't hurry up I'll be calling back up! Were all trying to talk to Mags but she's not saying much of anything new and whilst slurring so much its hard to tell what some words she's trying to say are meant to be. Her Mum looks on the edge of tears but she's holding it together well, she's definitely a bit more prim and proper than our mags though. The minutes tick by and finally the ambulance arrives a whole 50 minutes after I called and the first question they have the nerve to ask is "How much has she had to drink?" Wrong question! "She has only drank coffee she is very obviously having a stroke you idiot, she's already been waiting nearly an hour now shut up and get her into that ambulance!
They ask a couple more questions and get her into the ambulance her mum gets in a tizzy about her phone nearly dying and she has to swap phones with Mag's Dad and he tells her to shut up and get in the ambulance, which judging by her reaction is probably the first time he has ever told her to shut up. Despite the situation I did have to stifle a giggle. "Is that Maggie? is she alright". Small town problems everyone knows everyone and everyone is nosy. John stumbles over from the pub across the road Cigarette stained moustache and a pint in hand, but I cant blame him he was one of the regulars when Mags was working behind the bar we they all loved her. Even if she would give them a smack round the head for flirting with her. But that's why Mags was so great behind the bar she has the sass for it kept the old boys and the young ones happy and she had fun doing it. "She's just had a fall she's okay" Last thing poor girl needs is the whole town knowing what's happened I usher him away before the lights and the siren start and rush away.

Maggie:
Now how did I get here, The bright lights and the loud siren are all I can think of but still I feel calm my Mum is holding my hand and maybe they will help me move my hand again. I just need someone to touch my hand then I'll remember. But The scenery changes again.

Tessa:
I don't hear anything more until past midnight, she had a blood clot but they don't know how yet, she got rushed off to London but it cleared on her way there and should be sending her back tomorrow. All I can think about it what would have happened if she hadn't text me or I had said no to help she would have been in her flat alone. I hug Dee extra hard that evening and don't want to let my baby go.

1 Month later
Maggie: "Turns out I had a hole in my heart and never knew, the combined pill caused the blood clot and I took a breath or moved at just the right time for it to slip through my heart to my brain and not my lungs. I'm just glad I was with you I think you saved my life" Sitting opposite Tessa my brand new walking stick leaning against the wall. "well your lucky you can walk and talk I didn't do anything special I just did the right thing" I don't think she understands how she did more than just call an ambulance to me she saved my life! "well I need to thank Dee too, although I wont be getting another cat anymore like she suggested" Tessa looks confused and asks what I mean. "Dee was telling me pumpkin needs a friend so I should get another cat while it was happening" the confusion is soon replaced by amusement as Tessa explains to me that that conversation never happened. The holiday chat did but after that Dee was just singing nursery rhymes. She tells me I was telling her I was fine and going to walk home, "but I knew I couldn't move my hand because I remember thinking someone needed to tou..." Tessa interrupts "No you didn't I asked you to lift your other arm up and you lifted your right again to prove you were fine." I replay the events and realise how many blips I have from moving to the sofa to Mum and Dad arriving and wrap my head around the 2 versions of reality one all in my mind and one playing out in real life.