If you want to convince people, follow these three

1 You have to be curious A recent study of friendships found a significant reason for the intense disagreement. It involved a questionnaire that I developed with psychologist Ian McCrae and was given to BBC readers in July and August last year. Part of the questionnaire asked participants to imagine themselves in a debate with someone who disagreed with them on a political or social issue. Each participant was then asked about their intentions, whether they wanted to persuade the other person, learn from them, or argue with them. They were also asked about their perceptions of the other person’s intentions. In total, 1,912 participants overestimated how much the other person was trying to convince them of their point of view and that they were making an argument. When in fact they underestimated whether the other person was actually trying to understand and learn from the different opinion. Whenever we are in a conflict, we should remember that the other person may be more willing to engage in a conversation in good faith than we think, and we should treat them with respect. It is also possible that the person we are talking to may not realize that we are not interested in their opinion. Therefore, we should be more open about our own interest. If we sincerely try to learn and understand, the other person will also be more open about their thinking, and the conversation can be more positive and productive. It is usually easy to ask the right and appropriate questions. In the late 2000s, Francis Chen and his colleagues at Stanford University invited students to join an online debate on whether the university should introduce a new exam system. As might be expected, many students were strongly opposed to the idea.  The important thing was that they thought they were debating with their peers, but the people engaging in the debate with them were actually researchers, and they were following a very strict script. They were also checking whether the participants were in the experimental group or the control group.The researchers asked the students to explain their ideas. For example, they would respond to a student’s argument by saying, “I’m interested in what you’re saying. Can you tell me more about how you came to that conclusion?” In other experiments, participants were not asked for any additional information or about their beliefs. It was a small change in the script, but the addition of a question encouraged participants to talk more openly and changed the tone of the discussion. They seemed more willing to continue the conversation and learn more about the other person’s arguments. 2 Tell us about your personal experiences. You shouldn’t be afraid to share your personal experience with the issue during a conversation. In fact, it can make your argument stronger. This is a fact, but it’s not widely acknowledged. When Emily Cobbin and her colleagues at the University of North Carolina asked 251 participants to describe the best ways to present their opinions on issues like same-sex marriage or abortion, 56 percent chose to present facts and evidence, while only 21 percent chose to share personal experience. We saw the same thing in the Friendship Study. When we asked people to rank seven persuasion strategies, “politeness” came in first, followed by “logic” and “argument,” and “personal experience” came in fifth.But Cobbin’s experiments show that it can be a powerful tool for persuasion. His team asked 177 participants to read about three people’s opinions on topics like taxes, coal mining, or gun control, before rating each person’s respect and reasonableness. It didn’t matter what their initial stance was. Participants rated the person significantly higher if they knew the person had personal experience with the issue. Reading short texts online seems very different from real-life encounters. But Cobbin also tested the principle in live conversations about gun control, using more responses from 153 local people living near a university. Once again, someone who used personal experience to present their views was more respectful of their conversation partner and their views were perceived as more reasonable. Consider the recent review of the 2018 midterm elections.  The study examined the progress of 230 canvassers. It interviewed 6,869 voters in seven U.S. locations on a variety of political issues. Some were asked to make their case using purely statistical arguments. For example, the common fear that immigration increases crime, while others were asked to share personal stories in addition to presenting factual evidence. Each of the voters took a poll before and after meeting with campaign leaders. The researchers found that a respectful exchange of experiences was more likely to lead to a change in opinion than conversations that focused more on impersonal facts and figures.Although the overall impact was small and resulted in a five percentage point change in views on immigration, for example, this should be put into context. On average, the conversations lasted only 11 minutes in total, a large number of people still began to strongly change their views. 3 Listen and understand. During your conversation, you should make sure you maintain a basic level of civility, not only when talking to your partner, but also when you are talking about anyone else who may be involved in the discussion, including public figures. Research by Jeremy Framer of the University of Winnipeg and Linda Skatka of the University of Illinois at Chicago has found that being rude is more likely to alienate the person you are trying to persuade than to change their opinion, and it can also affect people who were already coming around to your point of view. They describe it as the Montague Principle, named after 18th-century Lady Mary Wortley Montague, who said that ‘Civilization has no price and buys everything.’ By demonstrating genuine curiosity, sharing your personal experiences and maintaining a sense of humor, you may be surprised by your ability to connect with others and in the process gain a wiser worldview.