How I Identity Myself!!!

Identity? Who am I? We all come to this point in our lives on our identities. Whether it is our sexual identity, feeling lost on who we are, or feeling so confused by what we think is expected by us on the unrealistic societies expectations of us.

As a woman I came to this loss of identity when my abuser died on August 20th, 2021 about three weeks before my birthday. He died of natural causes and I found myself trying to survive. Money costs when you want to be free.

As a woman I don't exactly conform to what society tells I should do. Some would say this would be considered my downfall.

After all the troubled times I faced I learned a lot about myself. The woman I want to be everything I thought I knew was a lie. Instead of trusting myself I listened to the wrong people.

I knew what I had to do wouldnt' be easy as I was rebelling against my mother, and entire family for what I wanted. I know for me that was the time I started to question my sense of self. When I was abused my entire life, all I knew was being chasticized treated like the gum on someone shoe. I'm no stranger to the pain.

I had a lot to question, do I leave and start something better then this? Or do I stay? In the next room I overheard my mother, Lynn, my sister, and her fiance speaking about me like I'm a dog. I had no transportation, no way to drive away from all this. So I laid in my aunts blow up mattress falling asleep from pure exhaustation. My aunt woke me up pissed off, I walked into the living room to sleep on the couch my mother wouldn't even look at me.

I knew a long time ago, I was the only person I could rely on at the time. When things got really rough, was having the choice to walk away from that life to enter into another one. This was very scary for me as my audience would ever know.

Living with emotional abuse never feeling heard I ended up with social anxiety a very severe case. When I lived with my abuser I had every opportunity to leave but I didn't. I thought I deserved it. My idenity revolved around abuse, neglect, sadness, and doubt. In the mist of those feelings I had tried to make my family care but I knew they never would.

For as long as I could remember abuse defined me. My identity was been lost since 2008, when I got cruel dose of reality from my abuser when he said you think you know everything you don't. You will never accomplish anything, or amount to nothing.

I felt like this was the beginning of many times of nothing put cruelty and humiliation. I had no one to save me, no one to fight for me. I was alone.

I'm not proud of everything I did in my past I was afraid and fear pledged me.

However, my fear doesn't define me it's not my identity. I make my identity, I define myself alone.

And my sharing my tale of what my idenity truly is I know I will win this challenge.

My name is Emily Aurelien, my identity is bravery, love, respect, and passion. My identiy is found in my writing, how my characters over come so much. I have overcome a lot, and will endure even now. My identity isn't lost anymore. My indentity is found and I alone define and indentity with myself.