Friends and Enemies

I'm stealing from my Deep Thought series:

And these are the lines I will use to inspire myself:

If both sides claim you, you are probably doing something wrong.

If both sides critique you, you are probably doing something right.

My Deepest Thoughts...

Note: the following speech was delivered at a local college by one of its most well-known graduates. The reactions which followed were not anticipated, and the speaker has issued no apologies for his thoughts and feelings about his time there and its influence on his future success.

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Good morning, class of…well, you know the name of this place, right? Don’t really have to bother repeating it here.

I have been asked to speak to you about…well, I guess about your futures and what you can expect from them. Hey, if you spent four years studying macramé or whatever else they now teach here, you know what your future’s gonna be like, right?

Hah, hah…

Yeah, start with a joke, they said.

So, let me tell you a little about myself that you did not pick up from a Tweet or an old PDF file…

I was born here, yes. That was correct. I went to school here, yes. Also, very correct. What you did not get from the fine reporters and news agencies when you began to learn about my life was how I actually lived it.

I was what you might call Generation X. Y’know, latchkey kids; first to have computers in the home (well, not my home); rotary phones; Walkmans; the knowledge to program a VCR and use the encyclopedias at the local library. Some of you kids are really weird about this. Even today, I have heard some of you say how much you envy us and wonder what happened.

Can I bring you into the mind and life of a boy who has a very different opinion on the matter? Can I finally share a very uncomfortable truth with you?

It was not…all that (yeah, we would say that in the day).

As I said, I did not have a computer growing up. We were lucky to have a turntable, before it became fashionable, and a television that had a remote that was still attached to the damn thing (strange how “remote” it wasn’t when I was watching something very late and very age inappropriate). Skip that last part.

So, I was a latchkey kid. Had to be because my mother worked all the time after my dad passed away and my brother moved out. Can’t blame him for that. He wasn’t going to have much of a future here, and the government had a lot of opportunities for those of us who were desperate and hungry enough to head west. He had my mother’s blessing and all of my jealousy. I was in grade school when he left and did not get to see him until I was almost out of high school. Now, you’d think he’d have some kind words to guide me in life, some insight after years of working and making a decent living.

No, not really.

“Life sucks. So, suck it up.” That’s what I got. And by that time, I had already figured it out.

I was a kid in a school where I had to learn how to negotiate between different cliques just to avoid getting my head kicked in. Ever been chased by jocks because they need to make an example of someone who isn’t athletic? Ever been rejected by Goths because your look is a bit too – let me get the phrase right – “suburban mellow” (thanks for that one, Peter)? Ever been told not to sit at a table in the cafeteria with people you thought were your friends because you were the wrong race? Yeah, I went there. And so did they.

No hands up, I see.

That all happened, along with the final humiliation of trying to have a normal prom night. Getting sick on too much vermouth and not enough gin was a dumb move before getting my idiot uncle to drive us to the event (too many James Bond films can really put your social life on hold). Getting sick on her dress and pretending that it was funny while everyone laughed was an even dumber move. And I finally figure out that my problem was I wanted to be everything to everyone. I wanted popularity; I wanted to be invited to all the parties; I wanted what every teenager wanted: to be in without being outed.

And let me tell you that it is all BS.

Popularity will get you some smiles and laughs, but it won’t make you a success in life, or make you loved by people who would not give a damn about you if you needed them to. Even my guidance counselor – they still got those, right – thought that was trying too hard to please the wrong people when he looked at my transcripts and noted that I had the grades for a life in…an office.

“Very good jobs are being offered in…”

Whatever… He still haunts me and I can only imagine what it would have been like if I took on a MBA and ended up another desk drone like so many of those other classmates.

Like they said, I did not go to any of the bigger universities or colleges. I decided to stay here, no matter what people thought or what my mother believed was a better option. This school gave me a break and I could do the work that I loved without worrying about that really awkward albatross on my back: popularity. As many of you have now read and heard, I was not popular when I was a student here. How could I be? I attended very few events and did not join any clubs or groups that were willing to take me on (Groucho Marx, take a bow…anyone get that reference? Never mind). I focused on being the person I was always destined to be: the jerk. Yes, not only was I not popular, I was also actively hated by many of the same people in high school. This time, it felt right because I could return the feeling. How else could I have the occupation that made my name? How else could I have developed the reputation that followed me when Netflix decided to actually make a series based on the ugliest moments of my life?  How else could I have ended up here with an honorary degree, despite the obvious annoyance some faculty and students feel about the “honour” and my very presence on this stage?

It pays to be who you really are.

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Note: the speech by noted porn producer Eddie “Sticky Grillz” Rodasso has been redacted to remove some of the more prurient details of his life and work. The police report allows us only to use this reduced text of the impromptu material. The school has also decided to not award him the planned degree, despite the threat of legal action mentioned by Mr. Rodasso and the management of “Short and Big Productions”.

Mr. Rodasso has stated that he has no regrets over his speech and that he appreciated the opportunity to visit his hometown once again.

We once again apologize to the teachers, parents, staff and students of St. Erebus College.

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Thank you for reading!

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You can find more poems, stories, and articles by Kendall Defoe on my Vocal profile. I complain, argue, provoke and create...just like everybody else.

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