Fighting My Inner Battle

I’ve always had an idea of the person I want to become. When I try to picture myself, I see someone who is confident, kind, encouraging, and comfortable with who she is. I try to make people feel heard and cared for. In this imagination, I also see myself interacting with kids and animals because they bring a relaxed energy, especially toddlers and babies.

Then there’s another side. When I come back to reality and step away from the imagination of who I would like to be, fear, anxiety, and self-doubt start to surface. I begin to overanalyze, and somehow, I become this girl who forgets how to speak English and starts rambling, especially when I’m put on the spot or when I’m trying to prepare myself to be seen and ready to be vulnerable with others.

And I think that’s where my inner battle begins. I stop pursuing things and start giving up on what I would like in my life. I let my fear stop me. It doesn’t stop me easily because I fight it, but what it does to me is change the way I plan. I can’t stay organized because I don’t know the exact way to build myself toward success.

And maybe you also relate to this in different ways, and that’s why I feel encouraged to keep going. I don’t want my limiting beliefs to control my thoughts. I know that I will always have battles, but I also know that in order to keep going, I need to stay consistent.

Being here helps me express myself, and I struggle to believe that people would actually want to hear me or see me. But when I’m outside with friends or when I’m interacting with customers at work, I am always my genuine self, and I don’t think badly of myself. It’s when I sit alone and get trapped in my mind that I start believing I cannot get anywhere or that I cannot compete.

Whenever I start to have hope, something happens. The hope gets crushed, something gets blocked within me, or I get rejected on paper. Then I convince myself that I will never get there.

Something that helps me get into a calm state is listening to calm fantasy music. I’m mentioning this because it helps my mind calm down, and I stop overthinking everything. Meditation could also help, but I need to rebuild that habit. When I try to quiet my mind, it doesn’t always work. But I know it can work because it has helped me in the past, even if only a little. When I kept trying, I noticed that my vision expanded, and my mind calmed down, even if it was only for a second.

I believe I have to find a way to continue doing more self-care hobbies. I think that if I incorporate more of those things into my life, I will become more focused and clearer about my path.

In some of my other blogs, I mentioned that fear is your compass to your dreams, and I still believe that is true. If I removed this fear, I feel like I would have already lived my dreams. So, I know that one of my biggest blockages is fear. It stops me from believing that I have the strength to move forward.

The advice that I give to you is advice that I should also take for myself. Sometimes I get inspired and motivated, and everything seems easy to move through. It’s the hard days when I know I need to keep pushing forward. Because if I mentally become weak and continue to believe in those limiting beliefs, I will continue staying stuck in my mind.

As you can see, this blog is more expressive about what I’m fighting with and what I know I should do. It’s a step, but I still need to find ways to keep moving forward.

There’s a book that I’m planning to read called Win Your Inner Battles by Darius Foroux. I don’t know if this book will help me, but I think that’s what I need to do: read, learn, and stay consistent, even with reading. If this book helps me in any way, I will share those techniques with you.

For now, I will continue to show up and post more frequently.

I truly appreciate you reading, and if you have any suggestions for this battle, please let me know.

And I wish you all the best. I will see you again soon.

Love,
Elena