Fallen Angel

"Breathing now, lying beside you. Deceived by your truth, now broken in two. Tears I've cried for you, breaking out of here. Beg for you to leave, echoes of your memory."

I'm watching her. That younger version of me, the one I really thought was cool. Holding the headphones, singing 16-year-old break-up lyrics into the microphone. My uncle bobbing along at the desk, mixing the echoes I'd repeatedly screamed hours earlier, leaving my voice cracking as I tried to reach depth and pitch for the finale.

I can almost peer-write for myself at this point; change this, tone up here, this is just...bad writing, girl, start over! But it was so real for me at 16. That pain, that heartache, that betrayal I wrote it out of my system. It was a huge part of the ending of my childhood and the beginning of lessons learned. A memory I return to when I face those dark moments again and have to remind myself I made it through many things I shouldn't have.

"Hearing your lies, despised by countless tries"- great point, terrible writing, Izzy. It's cringe-worthy, really, but god, I thought I was so cool. I miss this album. I miss spending days and hours with my uncle creating an entire album of songs I had written, at that age, nonetheless. It was my goal. I wanted to write, to make a dent in this world, make a difference with music, and share love all around. I was the old soul in a world of bigotry and rage. And I wanted so much more.

"Hold your head up, up up and don't give up, up, up, just breathe.
The sun always sets and the rises again, maybe we weren't even friends.
But I'll choose myself, again and again;
Because at the days end, I refuse to regret."

I mean, she had it going. It was a good start, she just wasn't ready for the reality. It was highly romanticized, but she knew absolutely nothing. And maybe that's why it was never finished.

Deep breath. Exhale. Begin.

Deep breathing now; uncovered truth;
Guards up, I have no time for this, for her, for you.
Do you remember the promise you made?
The sacrifice I gave? The many humiliation rituals at play?
The many times I begged, pleaded, and dissociated my way?

Oh, my "one", how dearly forgotten you have become.
Much like flavor on sugarless gum.
A pointless endeavor, fueled with greed and hate.
Was I the martyr? Or was I the mistake?
The stories you tell keep changing, and I can't keep them straight.
Where did we meet again? Or were you also stalking me then?
Love-bombing with "soulmates" as I nursed a severe sprain.
"I won't do it again, babe; I don't know why. You just drive me crazy!"
My, my, what a master am I! To control a man's body for him; what a name!
Where's my money? Where's my title? Where's my interview?
WHERE'S MY FAME!?

Get off me. Don't ever touch me again.
I'll heal from the memories; you'll never heal from the act.
You'll earn all the pain in the years you grow and try to make sense;
You'll earn all that you sent out, because karma never doesn't hit resend.
And all I wish for you, is for you to earn all you sow;
Because the world outside of you, is an entire love globe and is everything,

You will never be able to hold.